I Just Can't

I feel like I have been fighting tooth and nail to hold Jeremy and myself together, and it's getting to the point where there is nothing for me to grasp for.  He seems to be distancing himself MORE now, if that's possible and it's crushing me!

A sad thing, to me, is that it's not crushing me that I may lose Jeremy.  I don't know that we've ever been that close and I don't think that I'll really miss him to much.  I am very sad that my kids will lose him.  I hate to take away another dad from Austin...  I hate to think about what I'll lose without having another body around.  I hate thinking about being alone, without any close friends here in Kansas, but I don't think it's right to just move away either.  I have acquaintances here anyway.

I have taken down the four pictures we were in together...  I have a list of things that need to be done for me to start being on my own, with three kids...  We have discussed childcare arrangements for as long as he's still in Salina.  We have discussed tax return issues.  He seems more willing to talk about and give me solid answers when it comes to the process of me leaving him than he does about fixing things to move on in life together.

I'm scared and angry.

I feel alone, like I can't tell anyone I'm close to because I'm afraid they'll tell me I've failed or look down on me.  I fear this the most from my family.

I hope I'm alright...
I hope life gets better.

Is the Past Repeating Itself?

I'm still in the process of moving all of my blogs to blogger and during this process I get to read over four years of a completely unhealthy relationship.  I came upon THIS and can't help but notice how that is EXACTLY how I feel in my relationship with Jeremy right now.  :-(  He sleeps for 12-14 hours a day, or he goes to bed just a couple hours before I wake up and then sleeps until he has to go to work.  He plays video games or watches shows when he's not sleeping or working.  Once in a while I like the shows he's watching... so...  Two hours and fifteen minutes a week were doing something together...  Otherwise I get nothing.  He does try to hug and kiss me before he goes to work, but when that's ALL I get I can't help but wanting more.  No sex for three months... and honestly less than ten times in two years...  What is this?

I can't stand the thought of splitting up my family.  I have so many hopes, dreams, desires based around a stable, cohesive family but I've been so sad and upset about my relationship with Jeremy lately that it's hard to function. I wish there was an easy answer.  I wish Jeremy listened to my "cries for help" and made an effort to change.  I wish he could see his addiction and that it negatively impacts those "closest" to him.  :-(

*30 Things*

30 Things I Want to Do
30 Things I Want to Be
30 Things I Want to Have

(My list from a couple of years ago... Some repeat b/c some of the things I want to do/be/and have are closely related. ;-P)

DO 1. Be a teacher
BE 1. Teacher
HAVE 1. The ability to make others see they are special
DO 2. Write a book/Have something published
BE 2. Author/Writer
HAVE 2. A tanzanite ring
DO 3. Trust God
BE 3. Saved
HAVE 3. A laptop/A portable workplace to work on my photography
DO 4. Change/Influence someone's life
BE 4. Inspirational
HAVE 4. Motivation to do and get what I want
DO 5. Get a AS/BA/MBA?
BE 5. Wise
HAVE 5. An AS/BA/MBA
DO 6. Be teacher of the year
BE 6. Loved/Admired/Adored
HAVE 6. The means to see my fam&friends whenever
DO 7. Be in more plays
BE 7. Actress
HAVE 7. A movie editing program
DO 8. Take great pictures
BE 8. Photographer
HAVE 8. A high quality camera
DO 9. Go to Mexico
BE 9. Unforgettable
HAVE 9. Recognition (not neccessarily fame)
DO 10. New Years in New York
BE 10. Designer
HAVE 10. The means to get a ped/manicure whenever
DO 11. Go to Japan
BE 11. Friend
HAVE 11. One to a few outside animals or no allergies
DO 12. Be a flight attendant
BE 12. Flight Attendant
HAVE 12. My own library
DO 13. Play piano
BE 13. Domestic Goddess
HAVE 13. The ability to make tastey&healthy meals
DO 14. Play the violin
BE 14. Conservationist
HAVE 14. A good, dependable babysitter
DO 15. Play guitar/at least some songs
BE 15. Active Community Member
HAVE 15. A close group of friends
DO 16. play flute?
BE 16. Proffesor
HAVE 16. Someone I love who loves me back
DO 17. Be 115lbs/heathy
BE 17. Model
HAVE 17. Ideal body
DO 18. Have a big family
BE 18. Mother
HAVE 18. A big family
DO 19. Ride a horse
BE 19. Funny
HAVE 19. A healthy/fun sex life
DO 20. Visit all 50 states
BE 20. Well-rounded/Cultured
HAVE 20. A house (home near ocean or body of water)
DO 21. Be friends w/ a person of "high esteem"
BE 21. Musician
HAVE 21. A "famous" friend
DO 22. Get my blackbelt
BE 22. Nice
HAVE 22. A permanent campsite
DO 23. See the Parthenon
BE 23. Fair
HAVE 23. Laser hair removal surgery
DO 24. Go to a Hollywood awards show
BE 24. Loyal
HAVE 24. Perfect eyesight
DO 25. See the pyramids
BE 25. Positive
HAVE 25. A meadow
DO 26. Take singing lessons
BE 26. Singer
HAVE 26. Swimming pool
DO 27. See a NFL game
BE 27. Upper-middle class
HAVE 27. A new car
DO 28. See the Cistine Chapel
BE 28. Confident
HAVE 28. Awesome collecton of lingerie
DO 29. Have a pic published (National Geographic/Time Magazine)
BE 29. Fufilled
HAVE 29. A beautiful, special proposal/wedding
DO 30. Be bi/tri-lingual
(sign language)
(spanish)
(japaese)
BE 30.
HAVE 30. The ability to speak diff. languages

People are GREAT! (Until you get to know them.)

Okay, it's a pessimistic way of thinking, BUT, it's sort of true for me. I'm a bit picky about people I keep in my life... okay, a LOT picky. But some people manage to slip through the cracks and make an impact on me, and remain people I look up to and even like.

I was thinking about a particular friend, who is actually my most long term friend that I still keep in touch with and like/respect and all that jazz. I was thinking about what made is so I kept an admiration for him these past 12 years. It's a bit sad to say that it's probably not that he's a bit of a genius, or that he was a teacher of sorts for me, or even that I at one point found him very attractive. Nope, admirable qualities, but not why I think I still am fond of him at all when you get right down to the point. I think he's probably still a part of my life because I don't know him very well. I never hung out with him outside of a class type enviornment. As an young adult and throughout some of my adult years I've had IM conversations with him about this and that, where I did get to know some parts of him. But, being a closed off male, as most men I seem to meet and interact with are, I know very little about the way he thinks or how he feels. He is very opinionated and has blogs with his opinions, many of which I don't agree with. That's as close to knowing him as I think I'll ever get. Sadly, I think if I ever got to know more, I may not like him. I enjoy the role he's had in my life, and the tiny roll he still plays, I don't want to ruin that, so I won't try to get to know him any harder than I've ever tried.

I have a co-worker. He's a fascinating person. Very interesting. Surprising. We're almost like friends I guess. I was starting to get to know him a little, on a healthy level for someone who is dating someone else to get to know someone. I was enjoying the balance of having a male friend and a boyfriend and having no boundries crossed. I was thinking about how I admire him and why... It's because he seems to know things, and I find that intriguing. I'm a curious person, I like to learn about other people. Recently, our communication has dwindled. I don't feel a huge loss here, but I am let down... To me, it is showing me that he is a bit unreliable, or at least not the kind of friend who is good at "two-way" friendships... ya know, the type of friendships where both people make an effort to be friends equally. I know there's a wax and wane of that, obviously things come up and sometimes one friend needs to try harder til the other friend comes around again, but we weren't at that kind of friendship yet. It's a little more proof that I thought he was great, til I started to get to know him better and see a different side to him.

The same is true for my ex's... which is why they are my ex's. It's true for friends I've lost touch with and have no interest of getting back in touch with. They were great, or at least good at one point, until I found parts of them that were much to incompatible with me and how I am.

By all this I'm not saying I'm great or the best by any means. I have let people down in the past in extreme ways. Sometimes those ways were materalized by the people, in my opinion, but I fueled the fire.

There are a few people, who, despite my differences with them, I love. Major differences are religion, more slight is politics and on a small scale is distance. Distance is the worst difference I'm facing right now... the only wedge I feel between myself and those closest to me. (haha... obviously not geographically, but in my heart.)

(Sorry Nicole, gonna copy your list thing here.)

People who have influenced me, who still influence me, in a positive way: (Listed by length of time influencing, not including family)

Jason - 12 years
Emily - 11 years
Katie - 3 years
Bri - 3 years
Danielle - 2.5 years
Nicole - 1.5 years

People who I love, who might influence me if we lived on the same plane, who I wish I was still close with:

Jen - age 13-17
Natasha - age 13-17
Renee - age 14-18
Jared - age 15-23
Kathy - age 17-21
Phillip - age 21-23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
Jenny - age 17-18/23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)

People who helped me figure out who I was and helped me get through a very rough time in my life:

Jessica
Alicia
Rocco
Shannon
Rick
Rachel
Jennifer
Ali
Matthew
Weston
Bernardo
Russell
Joe
Kevin
Amanda
Alisha
David G.
David H.

Surprisingly there are more people that have influenced me, but these are the biggies, the ones I think about on a fairly regular basis, the ones I sometimes pine for, because they brought a lot into my life! I am so blessed to have met and befriended so many amazing people.

Jeremy's not on any lists right now because I'm still learning about him. He dissapoints me all the time. It sounds so harsh, but I'm trying to learn who I am in a healthy relationship while learning who he is and sometimes he's not what I expect and he's definetely not what I'm used to. And it's difficult because I don't have any close friends where we live and I think it's ridiculous to try and get all of my emotional needs met by one person, a guy non the less. ;-) I'm glad I've got him and I'm glad he is patient with me, as I am with him... and I'm hoping for the best, cuz what else can I do. ;-) Life has been a whole lot better since Jeremy than it was before on many different levels. The only drama there ever really is is the past haunting me. :-S Trying to work past that.

Cardboard and Fingernails

So, other than the past three hours I have nauseous for the past five days, at least! I missed half my shift yesterday because I couldn't fall asleep when I tried to fall asleep, and then when I got to work I threw up within an hour. I also three up right after waking up today. It feels like I'm always eating or drinking something and I am peeing all the time as well.

That being said I'm pretty psyched about it. I have plans to go see a doctor for a prenatal visit after I get back from CA.

Oooh, I'm so excited about going! March 16-31. I get to go somewhere warm and green and I get to see my nieces! and Gary and Barbara. Yay!!

Okay, I've gotta go, Charmed is on and I get to cuddle with Jeremy. :)

LoL, oh yeah, my subject title... Cardboard and fingernails make me super nauseous. It's actually pretty funny except I want to throw up. :-P

Blind sided

I got hit on today at work. Marjorly hit on. I'm not used to that. First I was flattered, a little embarrassed, slightly amused, a tad uncomfortable, then a tiny bit confused, sort of frustrated, maybe irritated, and ever so slightly worried. It was one of my co-workers, happens to be in the army reserves. New to me, b/c he had just been over seas. Like I said, it was nice at first to be noticed. Then it just became bothersome because it's sooo easy not to notice other people for me, but when I'm noticed then I tend to notice.

The end result, anyway, was that I am So grateful that I am with a man like Jeremy. I would hate to be the wife of this guy. Granted, she may not know the way he came across to me, but I am pretty confident Jeremy is not that kind of guy, and that is AmaZing and a HUGE comfort.

The bad part though, is that I loved the attention. He definetely "gave" me something Jeremy doesn't. Or at least he gave it to me in a way Jeremy doesn't. It was just that feeling of being wanted. Jeremy loves me, and I "know" it. Jeremy obviously wants me from time to time or we would probably never have sex.

Anyway, I sort of wish he acted more attracted to me sometimes. In a sexy way, not an annoying, bothersome way. Either way he's great... we'll have time to figure each other out.

Love is Bliss

Heh, yesterday Jeremy and I were going through a "rougher" day and he went to work and asked if I wanted him to bring me home anything, to which I replied, "love." So anyway, he brought me home chocolates with the quote, "Love is bliss..." on them. They were called "Bliss," but if love is bliss, then bliss must be love. :-P On a tangent I thought, "isn't ignorance bliss? and if ignorance is bliss, and bliss is love, then wouldn't love be ignorance." :-P Like I said, it was a tangent.

After Jeremy was done with work our day got better. We finished up season 8 of friends, played Bamboozeled and just hung out. I need more days like that. Oooh. Along with my chocolates and my sub sandwich Jeremy brought me home the first book in the "Twilight" series. I really didn't want to do anything other than read it when I got it, but I did anyway. Every bathroom or food break though I was right back to my book! I saw the movie in theaters and loved it, then I read about Nicole reading the series and it made me want to see the movie again. I guess Jeremy thought I'd be interested in reading it, though I never mentioned how much I wished it were still in theaters, but I'm glad he brought it home. So far it's just like the movie. I just have the opportunity to take it all in a little more slowly.

This morning Jeremy brought the car in to get the brakes fixed. Of course the car place did a diagnostic to see what else was wrong with the car. With issues pertaining to the brakes alone it's costing us $602 to fix. Better that than a faulty car though. Ya know, if Jeremy would have routine matinance done on his beloved '92 Ford Probe it wouldn't cost this much to fix. :-P Oh well. Better late than never.

Austin has been having such problems going to bed lately. He just screams and throws massive fits. It's really aggravating. I don't quite know how to deal with it sometimes. His screams are so shrill that I feel like my eardrums are going to burst. Jeremy and I, as kids, both just listened to our parents. The only thing my mom ever did to discipline me was put me in the corner and send me to my room. That doesn't get the point across for Austin.

Well, I'm up and nobody else is here at 2:36 in the afternoon. Just thought I'd write while I had some peace and quiet. ;-) *Relief*

A Talk

Last night Jeremy and I had a talk and I actually told him a lot of the feelings I've been keeping from him. I keep them from him because I feel they are mean. I hate that I compare people I have dated. I hate some of the shallow feelings I seem to have. I feel that is something wrong with me and telling him will only hurt him and not actually help our situation.

Anyway, last night I talked and didn't feel any better, but today I felt sorry. I feel like I've been ungrateful and immature. I see a future with Jeremy. I think whatever funk I'm in is just a phase. I really need to just wait it out, and I think things will get better.

It is such a big adjustment for me being with someone who really cares and isn't just trying to smooth talk me, or keep me around for a short while. It is a big adjustment to be with someone I don't just look at as a "pick me up," or completely replaceable.

I need to go through these different phases of a real, healthy relationship to figure out what it's all about. I've never had this before and I need to learn. I am so glad after my little rants and odd thoughts/feelings that Jeremy still knows I love and care about him, and that it never seems to shake his feelings for me.



K, on a different note, there's a house down the street that is adorable and a nice price, in a good neighborhood... and I know Jeremy was interested in it before... The price went down $9,000 since this summer. I'm really hoping to have a house by the time Austin starts kindergarden. That's not for another year and a half/two years, but it's still something I'm eager for. We'll see if it goes anywhere.

A Strange RememBRANTs

We belong, we belong to the light 
Many times I’ve tried to tell you 
Many times I’ve cried alone 
Always I’m surprised how well you 
Cut my feelings to the bone 
Don’t want to leave you really 
I’ve invested too much time 
To give you up that easy 
To the doubts that complicate your mind 


Chorus: 
We belong to the light We belong to the thunder 
We belong to the sound of the words We’ve both fallen under 
Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better 
We belong, we belong We belong together 


Maybe it’s a sign of weakness 
When I don’t know what to say 
Maybe I just wouldn’t know What to do with my strength anyway 
Have we become a habit 
Do we distort the facts 
Now there’s no looking forward 
Now there’s no turning back 
When you say 
(chorus) 


Close your eyes and try to sleep now 
Close your eyes and try to dream 
Clear your mind and do your best 
To try and wash the palette clean 
We can’t begin to know it 
How much we really care 
I hear your voice inside me 
I see your face everywhere 


Still you say 
(chorus) 


From the album tropico Written by: d. navarro & r. lowen 


Happy B-day to someone who will never read this and never care... and that's okay. 
But sometimes memories hurt and make us wonder. 


SO I'll remember when I put on my tennis shoes and I boarded the plane.
I touched down in VA, the land of the hurricanes, in the middle of a sunny day... 
God -- weren't you lookin' down over me? 
Yeah. I had a first class ticket but was blue as a girl could be.

I'm Not On An Emotional Roller Coaster...

Okay, so I am. Oy Vay. My life, my relationship and my-self are SO confusing. However, at the moment things are alright again. I talked to Sam's mom today and she's been married for quite some time, over 30 years. Anyway, she was somewhat encouraging in saying that she and her husband have went through times where they both felt like things were over but after 30 years, and maybe sooner they are happy that they got married. So yeah, Sam and I got along today when he came home from work, and even before he left for work. I had to leave to babysit, but we had started to cuddle before I left... Almost like spending quality time together. Bleh. He's got duty tomorrow which means I won't see him until Thursday afternoon and then I leave Friday morning. Why is everything always so confusing?!

My Day Isn't Getting Any Better

I feel numb. I really, really don't know what to do, or how to do it. I can't give up on Sam's and my relationship, but I am so miserable right now. Time apart would just make me see that I'm okay without him. I know I'll be okay without him, and I know he'll be okay without me, but this isn't high school. We're not just going out, we're married and we have a baby. Sam is really good with Austin, and I know Austin likes being around him. I would feel cruel to take them away from each other, but I can't imagine not having full custody of Austin, or not being able to spend all day with him. I think I would be miserable. I know once Austin is in school I'll have to be away from him a little bit, but I want to live with him until he's old enough to live on his own. I want to be able to tuck him in every night and read him bed time stories and give him baths. I can't think about this stuff. I wish everything was just magically better, or at least I wished Sam would just care, more than enough to simply come home at the end of the day.

Back to Great

So, Sam and I settled our differences and things are good again. I'm really glad cuz I was afraid that they wouldn't be. I think he's really trying, and it's wonderful!

Sam and I were getting along great for the past two weeks and six days. Then last night we got a babysitter so we could go to the movies without fear of Austin fussing and we got in a fight right after I brought him into the babysitter's house. So, we ended up not going to the movies, plus we fought all night, and he's still angry today so he's not talking to me. Every time I show some emotion he gets all ticked off! I can't just be a vegatable and not do anything... I don't think anyone can. Maybe slamming the car door to show my anger was inappropriate, I could have went about my issues another way, but him running off so he can have alone time is SO frustrating to me. I left him alone all last night, now I just want to solve the problem. It seems like it's so blown out of proportion. I just wanted help with the baby and his things between apartment and car and car to babysitter's house. Now he's not around to help at all. Plus he's out wasting gas when we don't even really have money for groceries. 

It was so nice getting along. If I had a problem he'd notice and ask what was wrong and then he'd try to figure out a way to make things better, even if it meant him sacrificing something he wanted. That all made me more understanding when he wanted things and then I could sacrifice time with him so he'd be happy. Plus when he was being really nice it made me feel bad for getting mad over petty things, so I wouldn't. I was so happy with him, the house has been super clean, and I was planning to try to start really cooking soon. We'd have this sweet little "family" time at night where we'd both talk to and play with Austin and each other. It's been awesome. I feel sick thinking that it's not going to keep being like that. I just want him to come home and be nice again. Ugh...