A Ramble

I finished the second book of the Twilight Saga. It was nice to read, kept my attention, has me anxious for the next book, though due to finances that'll have to wait. I can't believe I've read two 24 chapter books in the past four/five days. Not to mention the one I just read took me less than 24 hours to complete. Not too bad considering I worked today. It just astonishes me because they're only the 2nd and 3rd fiction books I have read since Austin was born. I'm more of a "self help" kind of reader. Yay me, I guess. :-P

I am very overwhelmed by bills and debt lately. I feel so hopeless, like no matter how much I don't spend on things I don't need I'm not going to have enough to pay everything off before the walls start closing in. I'm trying to take care of the "small stuff" first, becuase I like finishing the debt of one place rather than paying a little for everything. When I'm done with a bill I feel so much relief. Anyway, today I got a call from a radiology place I owe money to for when I had my miscarriage and needed the sonogram. I wasn't able to answer, but they left a message. I don't want them calling and bothering me. I have a list of my debt and a plan to pay it off and I don't want people making me more stressed about it.

Argh. More things bother me too, but I think they're more trivial... weight and housekeeping. Things I tend to struggle with all the time, no matter how much I try to get it under control. I just want to relax and feel at peace. It's like I'm always on edge lately. Ughhhh. :-P

Love is Bliss

Heh, yesterday Jeremy and I were going through a "rougher" day and he went to work and asked if I wanted him to bring me home anything, to which I replied, "love." So anyway, he brought me home chocolates with the quote, "Love is bliss..." on them. They were called "Bliss," but if love is bliss, then bliss must be love. :-P On a tangent I thought, "isn't ignorance bliss? and if ignorance is bliss, and bliss is love, then wouldn't love be ignorance." :-P Like I said, it was a tangent.

After Jeremy was done with work our day got better. We finished up season 8 of friends, played Bamboozeled and just hung out. I need more days like that. Oooh. Along with my chocolates and my sub sandwich Jeremy brought me home the first book in the "Twilight" series. I really didn't want to do anything other than read it when I got it, but I did anyway. Every bathroom or food break though I was right back to my book! I saw the movie in theaters and loved it, then I read about Nicole reading the series and it made me want to see the movie again. I guess Jeremy thought I'd be interested in reading it, though I never mentioned how much I wished it were still in theaters, but I'm glad he brought it home. So far it's just like the movie. I just have the opportunity to take it all in a little more slowly.

This morning Jeremy brought the car in to get the brakes fixed. Of course the car place did a diagnostic to see what else was wrong with the car. With issues pertaining to the brakes alone it's costing us $602 to fix. Better that than a faulty car though. Ya know, if Jeremy would have routine matinance done on his beloved '92 Ford Probe it wouldn't cost this much to fix. :-P Oh well. Better late than never.

Austin has been having such problems going to bed lately. He just screams and throws massive fits. It's really aggravating. I don't quite know how to deal with it sometimes. His screams are so shrill that I feel like my eardrums are going to burst. Jeremy and I, as kids, both just listened to our parents. The only thing my mom ever did to discipline me was put me in the corner and send me to my room. That doesn't get the point across for Austin.

Well, I'm up and nobody else is here at 2:36 in the afternoon. Just thought I'd write while I had some peace and quiet. ;-) *Relief*

Open

I have slight envy toward some of my friends. A couple of them seem to be so open in their blogs. I am open about events, and sometimes pain, but they seem to be open about things that I just don't know how to put into words. I wish I could put my thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams into words like they do. I know I should accept me for who I am, but I can't help but want to improve. Maybe improving doesn't mean being the way I want to be though. I should know that. Improving is being like God wants me to be and being okay with that.

I've been reading a lot lately and it seems like God is saying a lot through them. I think I've been improving my spiritual relationship more and more everyday. It's exciting and I hope it only continues to get better.

Being off my zoloft is horrible. Not only do I break down very badly but I have millions of random thoughts about problems that seem to have no solution. It seems like the zoloft is a dam and when I'm not on it the problems just flow right on by. It's sort of a scary feeling. Everything is confusing and frustrating. Things I can normally handle only feeling minimully stressed by are now tearing me apart inside. I hate that I have a jealous bone, I hate that I have an incredibly hard time trusting my husband, and I hate that I seem to have a stupid obsession with love. I need to feel that I am loved BY SAM. Other people can love me and tell me they love me and say wonderfully nice things about me, but unless I am feeling loved by Sam I can't seem to be happy. It's ridiculous that I base my feelings off of how I think he feels about me, and I know that, but I can seem to control how I feel. I guess the best thing I can do is control my reactions to my feelings, but that seems very difficult. When I feel a certain way I want Sam to understand so maybe he'll try to help me be happier, but he just wants me to solve all of my own stuff and I've been working on that since I was 12 and it hasn't happened yet so I'm not sure if it ever will. I'm reading a book right now called "The Dream Giver." It's sort of inspirational. I also just finished a book called "Fascinating Womanhood." That was suppose to give me tips on how to have a lasting relationship. This really is no fun, most of the time (when I'm taking the zoloft regularly) I don't even think about stuff that bugs me to a great extent, only if the problem is directly in front of me. Right now I have to deal with all of these emotions, probably at a worse level than if I was never on medication to begin with and my "support system" is half a country away. Not to mention my extra moodiness makes taking care of Austin ALL DAY by MYSELF a little more taxing. I love him, and he's super cute, but Sam makes things a lot easier. :-(

I'm a Manic Maniac

Okay, maybe I'm not manic, maybe I am. Maybe this is just a normal good mood. I wouldn't know. I was moody before I was pregnant, I'm even more moody now, and I don't know if my moods should be considered normal or abnormal. While in Wisconsin a Dr. prescribed Depokote or something like that, because she thought that I might be bipolar. I'm not sure if that makes me bipolar though. Anyway, I'm up right now, which is wonderful. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours last night, I worked all day and for some reason I'm ready to go! Maybe it's the overtiredness. Maybe it's because I feel that I had a good day and I learned things, and Sam and I have been getting along lately. Maybe it's because I'm leaving for Wisconsin in a week? Maybe it's all of the above and some other things added in. I don't know. All that I know is I am very happy right now and I like being happy.

I filled out all the paper work online for my first prenatal visit which is next Wednesday. Sam got off for it so he's coming with! I'm terrified and excited. I am 11 weeks today. Oooh, aaah. Right... My sister-in-law sent me a pre-baby book baby book. It's a planning calendar.

I'm hungry.

I got lucky at the library today because whoever was signed up for 3:30pm didn't show so I got to sign up for four and take the person before me's spot. I checked all of my e-mail, filled stuff out, and saved pictures to my yahoo photo album... I feel so fufilled... Gosh I'm amused and satisfied easily.

I don't think anyone will listen to me on this, but my mother-in-law just sent me a book called Fascinating Womanhood by Helen B. Andelin and I'm up to roughly chapter three, I think it's excellent and I'm sure I'll write more about it in the future, but if you're married, or not married-- If your a chick you could probably get a lot out of it. I'm very excited to read more.

I need to e-mail my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law, so I'm going to go while I still have time! Bye for now!

COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:
May. 14th, 2004 01:28 am (local)
Yay! Prenatal visits are so fun! lol. I'm in the stage where I have to go every single week now though, starting Tuesday. But then again, on Tuesday I will be 36 weeks so I guess that's to be expected. :o)

I've Had Better Days

Okay, so this morning Sam and I were all cooey cuz we had a nice night last night and okay so I said, could you call me when you get home from work (I just wanted to know when he was home so I had something to look forward to when I was done working) Anyway, at around 1:30 I was told I could go home and Sam hadn't called yet. I said I'd stay a little longer and that I didn't need to get paid for it because if I left I'd just be at home by myself... So I went for a walk with Juliana and Ethan. I decided to call Sam when I was getting a little annoyed by the kids running very far ahead of me and trying to pick their neighbors flowers. To my surprise he answered and I was like hey, how are you? and he was like i'm good and then I asked him if he was done with work and he said yeah i'm home and then I asked why he didn't call me like he said he would and he didn't answer, and then I asked again and he said that he had a couple of buddies over and then I hung up on him. I went back to the house where I babysit and the mom was like, I can pay you, and I said it didn't matter and then she said let me call the kids dad to see when he'll be here. (He gets them for a little while before Easter.) So she called him and he was on the street, so she didn't need me anymore. So I angrily drove home accelerating whenever possible. I tried to get ahold of Shannon but I guess he must have been working still. I was hoping that he'd be at his apartment and I'd have somewhere to runaway to. After that plan failed I was going to visit Alicia. But then I thought what if the people she works for have a couple extra days off for Easter? I didn't want to get her in trouble so that idea was out. Then I thought, well I can just go to the library, but I wanted to go home first because I knew I didn't have any e-mails and I wasn't sure what else I would do. I wasn't in a journal mood really. Oh, my other option was to go to the driving range, but my excuse for not doing that was I was nervous about going on base by myself. Alright, I got home and slammed a couple things around when I first walked in, that was after seeing Sam in his pjs and two strangers in my house. Then I went to my room and started reading. Now for my main point or thought. (I bet you didn't think I'd ever get to it.) I was reading the book "Why Am I Up, Why Am I Down" and it's about bipolar disorder. I have a lot of the symptoms, not to admit that I'm crazy or anything, but then again some things just don't fit. But a couple things that really caught my attention were the following;

-people with bipolar disorder often can't control their moods
-sometimes the onset of a manic episode is like a seizure
-people who are involved in the creative arts are more likely to have bipolar disorder

And then there was a list of things that can lead up to bipolar disorder and I, like a lot of people, have experienced a lot of things on the list. Right now though, as sad as this may sound I feel like I'm freaking out. I can feel the blood going through my body I'm shaking, sort of on the verge of a nervous breakdown but not quite and I don't know how to calm down. If I didn't have to save money I would go shopping and I know that would help.

Today when I was babysitting I swept and did dishes. It kept me busy. It was a lot easier than my five hour cleaning escapade in the apartment yesterday...

I need a friend.

COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Apr. 8th, 2004 07:03 am (local)
Sorry I'm not there to give you this... *big hug* I find that cleaning keeps me occupied too. Yesterday, I was feeling really restless and I just started walking from room to room looking for things to tidy up. My dad was shocked when he got home from work. lol. But some girls have told me it's anxiety about the baby -- I guess a lot of expectant mothers have that. *shrug* I don't know. I hope you start feeling better soon!

Love yas!

hopeathy wrote:

Apr. 8th, 2004 01:40 pm (local)
You have a friend.
I wish we lived closer so that when you got like this I could be there for you. You know that you can call me any time day or night. I can't fly down there at the drop of a hat, but I will be there for two weeks in June. I don't know what to tell you except that you can always count on me. I'm here for you. Call me if you want to. -Kat

Calgon Take Me Away...

Ughhhh... Why are people such pains in the butt? I was going to say why are men such pains in the butt and then I realized, just as much as any man is one, in particular Sam, I am just as much of a pain.

I think that we need time away from each other, not a lot of time, but enough to clear our minds maybe. It's not that I want time away from him, it's not like I have a choice even, but none-the-less, if we end up being apart for a few days, it's probably for the better.

For once I am not at the library, my friend Alicia (hi Alicia) is letting me use her computer. It's nice to be out of the apartment and not dwelling on the fact that I don't know if Sam is coming home tonight or not. Fights are so stupid, and they're always just miscommunications blown out of proportion.

I wish I could visit Wisconsin for a week or two. I miss my friends, and the little kids I had the pleasure of watching. I have a job now! There's not much of a point to write about it, because most of the people that read my journal already know, but anyway, now it's documented.

I hope that there's a thunderstorm tonight. It seems like around here hard rain for a few hours is considered a thunderstorm. Only once since I've been out here have I seen lightening.

I have finished two books since I said I wanted to find something I actually enjoyed reading. They are The Ultimate Personality Guide, and What No One Tells The Bride. I am in the middle of Why Am I Up, Why Am I Down. Ah yes, how I yearn for knowledge...

I suppose, time to pull myself away from the computer. I forgot how addicting these things can be if there's no time limit.