Not there.

Within the past three months I have been reintroduced to the idea of Nayeli's father (step-mother and siblings) being in here life. I am happy that she will more than likely not recall a time she did not have contact with them. I think that's as it should be. While I am so very happy for her, that perhaps missing that part of her family (as in having no contact with them) will not be an issue, I am finding I have to 'deal' with some things/feelings I would really, really, really.. really, really rather not. Tonight Nayeli's step(or bonus, whichever works) mom posted a video of Nayeli's father helping his other daughter learn to walk. She's a precious little girl, and it was a cute video... mommy and daddy together. I liked it. I like parents being good parents. It warms my heart. I'm a comparer. I love finding pics and videos of Nayeli at her siblings ages and oohing at how much they looked alike or made the same sounds. I found a video of Nayeli walking. She was just barely starting... I saw her start from the entertainment area. Since normally it was me with the kids, even though Jeremy was around, she didn't have someone holding her hands, giving her security if she faltered. She had me cheering her on, gently calling to her, trying my best to be everything I could be for her. I still try. She told me a week or so ago, randomly, "I never met my dad." I said, "You've talked to him on the phone," and she replied, "Yeah, but I never seen him." I said, "You've seen him on Skype." She came back with, "But I never been by him." Then I stopped. She hasn't. I don't know when she will be. Sometimes it hurts so bad to have these precious children who I adore more than I can explain. I want to be there for them as much as they need. I'm just me though. There is so much I feel I can't do alone. I feel SO alone sometimes. Austin had to do a paper for school... 'If I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would use the money...' the last thing on his list was that he would use the money to give his dad freedom from jail every year if there was enough. I feel like a failure as a mom. How could I make these sweet little vessels of feelings and knowledge with people who weren't going to stick around? I know I didn't know they weren't going to stick around, but I feel like I should have.

California Dreaming

I miss cruising and concerts, clubs...flowers and palm trees... swimming in a pool that was right outside my door all but three months of the year.
the ocean. needing sunglasses and sunscreen all the time... living next to base... when my two best friends lived next to me... long walks... still feeling like a kid, a little bit.


I don't miss the hell I was going through, the reason's I needed to pay so much attention to all those things... so I wouldn't go completely crazy. For as bad of a time as it was, I sure did have a lot of fun. :-P

Scared

I woke up this morning to find that I'm spotting. :-S I was just starting to get excited that I am further along now than I was when I miscarried Avery... but technically, I still have 1.5 weeks til I'm as far along as when I found out I miscarried. (I started bleeding at 10 weeks but the embryo was only 6 weeks along. :-S) I want to be positive, I want to keep hope enough that if I'm not miscarrying I don't stress myself into miscarrying. I don't want to miscarry again! It hurts! I was told last summer when the doctor was trying to rid me of my pre-cancerous cells that the procedure would reduce my chances of carrying a baby to term, but I had no choice... cancer or no cancer... Duh, right? But I'm so angry with myself. People, websites, doctors say miscarriage is because the pregnancy wasn't developing the right way, but mine is because my cervix sucks because I got HPV because I was a bit to permiscuous in my day. God forgives me but I still have to live out the consequences of my behavior. It hurts. It hurts so much. :-(

I was reading a lot of things about miscarriage and people who didn't miscarry but bled and cramped and whatnot. 1/5 pregnancy is a miscarriage... If I'm miscarry I'm at 2/4. I don't want that, and there's nothing I can do to stop it if that's the way it is. Thankfully this time I have some health insurance to cushion the blow of doctor's bills. I'm grateful for that.

My doctor's app. is at 3:30. Then maybe I'll here a heartbeat or see a heartbeat... or maybe I won't. I hope I do. :-(