The Cycle

Sam got home on Tuesday night. When I walked in the apt. from my sociology class he was there. It was a pleasant surprise. Of course now that he's home things are back to how they usually are with us. FRUSTRATING. I keep meeting people who are young and divorced and happy. It's discouraging. I don't want a divorce, but things I'm seeing are sort of glorifying it. Marriage is so much work, but I know that if I were to get a divorce that I would just end up getting married again and that I would have to "work" with someone else. On the surface it may seem like I could make it with a "nicer" person, but Sam was a "nicer" person until we got married, and he still has his moments now. I don't know if you can ever truly know another person. For Sam and I it would help a lot if either one of us knew ourselves. We don't though, nor do we know what we want for ourselves. It complicates everything. School is going great. I love my classes, I love meeting knew people! I am usally in an awesome mood on school days. It's refreshing. I'm having a lazy day, as much as I like school it wears me out! So the next day I just bum around. It's fun but it sort of makes me feel counterproductive. I am leaning towards a sociology major. I'm still not positive but that's what I'm thinking that I want. That's just for my associates degree though, I plan and getting a bachelor's degree after that. I suppose I should do something around the house to earn my keep. Not that I have to, but it's a nice thing to do.


COMMENTS:
(Anonymous) wrote:

Jul. 15th, 2005 08:54 pm (local)

hey there Amy! It sounds like things are never going to get better for you in that relationship, yeah you may have to work at marriage with someone else, but you need that someone else to want to work with you and by the sounds, Sam doesn't wanna work on the marriage. He has been like this for a LONGGGG time now, I remember when you were in VA he was the same way, I honestly don't think hes going to change. He will end up making you sick Amy, I know it may sound crazy but my aunt did the same thing and she has medical issues now because of it. You need a healthy, loving environment for that baby of yours, and by the sounds hes not getting that. Everyone has problems but I think Sam has A LOT of growing up t do and he isn't ready to do that... Its good your in school, thats a positive thing for you and you need that. How is Austin liking the babysitter?!?! does Sam pay any attention to him or do anything with him?? Zach is still only good to play with Bradley, everything else seems to be my job,, haha, he gets the easy stuff and I do all the hard work... but he loves his mommy more too, haha! Well I hope things work out for you, you think about that babys future, and make sure hes happy. Take care, talk to you soon!
~Erica~

To Make a Long Story Long.

So most of you who read this(all seven of you...) probably know a lot of this stuff, but not all of it, so I thought I'd share so you could have almost the whole story. Sorry if it's boring, I dunno, it's nice to have documented. Enjoy.

I have been with my husband, Sam, for just over two yrs, and married for a year and three months, we got married really fast. We got engaged in October 03' and married February 04'. We haven't actually had a wedding yet,just the whole court house thing. But we eventually plan on having the whole big wedding sometime in the future, probably our five year anniversary. I found out I was pregnant in March when I was about 6 weeks along. It wasn't planned but it wasn't uplanned either if that makes sense. We knew we wanted kids so we figured we would just let it happen whenever it happened, but we just didn't expect it that soon! We should have though because I ran out of birth control a week after we got married and we didn't really practice "safe" sex.

I hated pregnancy. I REALLY hated it. I got morning sickness the day after I concieved. I didn't know it was morning sickness at the time, but it was. My morning sickness lasted until like my fifth or six month. I'd get it in the morning around seven am and then again at ten-thirty at night. I cried every day for the longest time. It was sort of like post pardem before having the baby. When Austin first started kicking it really weirded me out and I got a little bit squirmish. Eventually I got used to it and liked it, the kicking that is, not the pregnancy. I'd put headphones on my tummy and shine lights on it and stuff like that. 

I believe I was about 33 weeks along when I had to pack up everything Sam and I owned and drive across the country, Virginia to California. I drove one car and Sam drove the other. It was a six day trip, but three of those days were just hanging out at a hotel in Illinois to see my family and wait for Sam to catch up in the other car. When I got to California I was in and out of the emergency room almost every day for two weeks. My blood pressure had gotten really high and ever since about two weeks before leaving VA I got braxton hicks pretty bad. The doctors thought they might have to induce labor when I was 34 weeks, so they injected my with steroids to strengthen the baby's lungs. At 36 weeks they said I could make the eight hour trip to Camp Pendleton so I was with my husband when the baby came. 

Two weeks later, two weeks before Austin was actually due I went to the emergency room because I thought my water might be leaking. They checked my blood pressure and decided to induce. That was the 24th of November. I had Austin on the 25th, Thanksgiving! I thought Labor was the easiest part of the entire pregnancy. They gave me really good drugs that all worked, thank goodness. I only had about five minutes of true pain, that was between the narcotics and the epidural. I think my least favorite part of the whole event was not being able to eat for over 48 hours, I also couldn't drink anything. Because of the high blood pressure they had me on magnesium and couldn't give me anything because there was a chance that I would have a seizure and choke.

Austin did really well through my labor. His heart rate was at the right place and all that fun stuff. He decided to be awesome through the pushing and then when he came out he wasn't breathing and didn't have a heart beat for three minutes. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck three times. I didn't get to see him up close or hold him for a while after he was born. Seven hours after I had him I got a nurse to take some pictures with the camera on my phone, and when he was 12 hours old I finally got to hold and feed him. I don't think I heard him cry until he was two weeks old. He was a great baby then and continues to be a great baby now. I have no idea how I got so lucky.


MUSIC: Fur Lis
COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Apr. 19th, 2005 10:27 am (local)

Wow -- I didn't know that part about him not breathing for 3 mins! Either that or I don't remember. Either is possible. But I'm glad that he's alive and kicking today. He is definitely a great little boy. And cute too!

Neglected...

I'm feeling neglected which is never any fun. Sam was gone all weekend, Friday morning to Monday morning, and had work all day Monday. When he got home from work he pretty much shut himself in the bedroom... I was around him for an hour, and that was just watching parts of Lion King 1 1/2. Today he worked late, came home, didn't come in for like an hour and a half after he got here, then popped in DVDs and shushed me every time I tryed to start a conversation. After the movies he got on the computer and I tried to talk to him, but every conversation was a dead topic. It seems like no matter how hard I try or don't try I can't get him to communicate.

Alright so, Sam won't communicate with me and I don't live by anyone that I've known for an extended period of time and the person that I'm closest to out here other than Sam is in the process of being on a two week vacation, so I'm going nuts with no sense of intimacy with anyone on the "talking in person" level. The phone is one thing, real live human interaction is another thing completely. 

I truley dislike this lonely feeling. The less attention Sam gives me the more I yearn for someone who will completely adore me... That makes sense and yet I'd think that over time I'd get used to being ignored and brushed aside. *Sigh* I dunno, maybe I'll figure out how to achieve happiness without Sam constantly being nice to me, still it would be nice to be shown some affection, I mean, I'm his wife, right? A hug a day? A kiss a day? I dunno. Maybe for him that's asking to much. :-P


COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Mar. 16th, 2005 09:38 am (local)

I think for a lot of guys that's asking too much, unfortunately -- especially for the communication part. For some reason guys are intimidated by talking. Why? It's such a simple thing! Don't worry. It annoys the crap outta me when Chon does that too. Maybe someday they will learn to be nice to us!!! Take care and I hope you find some good interaction soon, hun. *hugs*

mychrysalis wrote:

Mar. 16th, 2005 11:33 am (local)

I'm sorry Sam is still being difficult. Always remember that you do have the right to be happy and if you feel you need affection, then you do. You never have to settle for less than you need. With that in mind, I'm sending big "Auntie Alicia" hugs your way.

vivrelavie wrote:

Mar. 16th, 2005 06:09 pm (local)

*hugs* Have you ever gone to Boards.WeddingChannel.Com? They have a Newlywed (and even for not-so-newly weds like me) board. In that board, there is a sub board for emotional support. I think you should go there. I don't want to be a downer, but Amy, it isn't fair for you to feel that way so often. Once and awhile is one thing, but I am worried about you. I know we never knew each other too well, but I still care. Please visit that site. Have you two talked about marital counseling? It might help open the path to more communication and affection. It's great for good days and bad. :)

*hugs* again.

Life is Still Crazy.

My life lately has been nuts. It started with the new year I swear. 2005 was just not meant to start out right. A series of events led up to the separation of Sam and I as of a week ago. He's been living in the barracks and just Thursday he said he wanted to work things out. BUT I didn't hear from him at all yesterday, granted he had duty, but I know he has time to at least call on duty. Oh well. Since the separation I have made a few new friends, now along with my older friends they are telling me I deserve better and yadda, yadda, yadda. Same story always coming from a different person. Most of the time I know what I want, so what other people say isn't really going to help me too much when it comes to them giving me advice. I always need to figure things out on my own. Right now I don't really know what I want. It's not exactly that though, it's more like the things I want conflict with eachother and that just seems to make everything all the more complicated. 

Anyway, Austin got his first immunization shots on Thursday. He got really mad and has been pretty sleepy ever since. He's so precious. I'm really glad I have him. He is Happiness. Even though crap goes on, none of it seems horrible, because he exists. It's nice that way. 

I'm starting to get used to it out here, I miss Virginia though... Someday I might move back, even if it's not until I'm really old and Sam has died, or something like that. I liked it there. 

Hopefully this bad start to the new year will end when February comes around. I sure do hope so cuz in Feb. I've got my first year wedding anniversary with Sam, the 2nd year of our first meeting, the second year of us "going out", Valentine's Day, and my birthday.


COMMENTS:
mychrysalis wrote:

Jan. 29th, 2005 03:16 pm (local)

I'm sorry you are having such a rough year. I won't try to give you advice, becasue you know what I'd say anyway. And I'm glad Austin makes you happy. Thanks for the pics. He is too cute! I miss you!

Sometimes Life Hurts.

A little more than a week ago I found out some disturbing information in regards to my husband and his relationship with me. Anyway, two nights ago I didn't cry at all and last night I cried very little and managed to write a poem, but all of it is so stressful. The friends I have that know what's going on all seem to think I'm stupid for staying with him. It's not easy for me to stay with him, but it wouldn't be easy for me to leave him either. I don't know, even the married ones are apathetic to my situation. When I got married though I took MY vows seriously. Even if Sam didn't, I did. And I think that sticking to them would be the only way I could continue to feel like a decent person. If the situation gets out of control I will probably leave... Many people would say that it's out of control now, but I am handling it. I wish that there was a certain way to feel about everything. It would be great to have a book that's a how to on what to feel and when to feel it and also how to react. The movers are going to be at my house in four days. I'm leaving in eight. My friends and current surroundings are going to change and this is a time when I really need security in something. I am SO glad I'm on a "mood stabalizer".


COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Oct. 4th, 2004 09:29 am (local)

Wow hun. I don't don't know what's going on, but it doesn't sound nice. :o( If you need to talk, you know how to reach me! *hugs*

(Anonymous) wrote:

Oct. 18th, 2004 08:33 am (local)

It's Michelle Dunphy from FDL here. I'm sorry I haven't emailed you back. Life has been crazy.

I just wanted to check up on you since I don't have LJ anymore..and I saw this entry. Sweetheart, I know you and I never knew each other that well through HS, but from one young wife to another... You can always talk to me. *hug* I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope everything will turn out alright.

vivrelavie wrote:

Oct. 18th, 2004 09:10 am (local)

It's Michelle.

I gave in. I'm back on LJ. But a very private journal with a very small friends list ... so I can keep in touch better!

My Husband is Broken

Alright, I'm being a little dramatic. My husband's fibula is fractured. He did it a week ago while in a drunk haze and I've gotten to take extra special care of him since then. Yipee for me. So, I babysit four days a week go home and get bossed around some more. The joy of it all. Other than the past two days Sam and I have been doing extremely well and I've been very happy. I figured out that I like being married and after four months of not being sure it means a lot to me to know. My baby is moving around a bit, it's fun to feel the tickles in my tummy. My ultrasound is scheduled for the 19th. I'm probably going to reschedule it though because Sam's going to be underway then and he wants to come. Right now we're at one of his "co-workers" houses and he is drinking again. Oh joy, oh bliss. It's possible that I should have stayed at home. Too late now... I went to Wendy's by myself earlier, it was relaxing. I've got a headache, I'm gonna go.

COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:
Jul. 3rd, 2004 07:08 am (local)
Feeling the baby move is so special. You'll begin feeling him/her move more and more often now and it's truly amazing. I can actually say I miss feeling Maia moving around. It's weird... when I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to NOT be pregnant, and now in some ways -- I actually miss it. I'm still not used to my new skinny belly. lol.