He Loves Me

Saw this as a friends facebook update,

"Sometimes I wish God would just hit the pause button, split the sky wide open, reach down, pick me up, hold me in His arms & whisper "I love you" in my ear."

And I thought, that's how I feel when I hear my name. It's how I feel when my kids say they love me, or smile at me like I'm the most amazing person they've ever seen. It's how I feel when the wind is rushing past me... or I'm in a lake or river and water is going through the spaces between my fingers. It's how I feel when the rain is warm... when I see a shooting star... when I see fireflies. :)

There is so much more that makes me feel exactly like the "pause" button has been hit, the sky has been split open, I am being held by God, being told, and feeling, and knowing that He loves me.♥

After Loving You I Could Never Be The Same

~Tonight was windy...  Jeremy's car wouldn't start and I had to call a guy friend I work with and ask for a ride.  It took him a while to find my place, so I had some thinking time.

I stood, in the wind, let it wash over me... spread my fingers, which were mostly covered by my fingerless gloves, and let the wind rush between them.♥

I felt God romancing me.  I love when He does that.

Just now I was posting some pix on fb, and I was looking at some old pix... lol, not very old, two months...

I love my kids.

They're all special in their own ways...

Kheaven is God romancing me.  It may just be a baby thing, or maybe it's him.  :)
I love his smiles, and his laughs, and his noises, and his movements.  I love how most of the time he's healthy, even though it's not something I expect.  I love how smart he seems to me.  I love how much he reminds me of the other two kids.  He's quite wonderful in every way I can think of.  :)

He is definitely the definition of everything I never knew I always wanted.~

♥Thank you, God, for my kids.  Thank you for giving me them, before I even knew I wanted them...  Thanking for taking situations I ruined with my humanness and making something amazing as a result.  I know I am fighting You right now...  So much so that I can hardly pray for You to change my heart.  I love You.  I'm sorry I can't be the kind of servant You deserve sometimes...  all the time.  Thank you for your Grace and loving me still.♥

*30 Things*

30 Things I Want to Do
30 Things I Want to Be
30 Things I Want to Have

(My list from a couple of years ago... Some repeat b/c some of the things I want to do/be/and have are closely related. ;-P)

DO 1. Be a teacher
BE 1. Teacher
HAVE 1. The ability to make others see they are special
DO 2. Write a book/Have something published
BE 2. Author/Writer
HAVE 2. A tanzanite ring
DO 3. Trust God
BE 3. Saved
HAVE 3. A laptop/A portable workplace to work on my photography
DO 4. Change/Influence someone's life
BE 4. Inspirational
HAVE 4. Motivation to do and get what I want
DO 5. Get a AS/BA/MBA?
BE 5. Wise
HAVE 5. An AS/BA/MBA
DO 6. Be teacher of the year
BE 6. Loved/Admired/Adored
HAVE 6. The means to see my fam&friends whenever
DO 7. Be in more plays
BE 7. Actress
HAVE 7. A movie editing program
DO 8. Take great pictures
BE 8. Photographer
HAVE 8. A high quality camera
DO 9. Go to Mexico
BE 9. Unforgettable
HAVE 9. Recognition (not neccessarily fame)
DO 10. New Years in New York
BE 10. Designer
HAVE 10. The means to get a ped/manicure whenever
DO 11. Go to Japan
BE 11. Friend
HAVE 11. One to a few outside animals or no allergies
DO 12. Be a flight attendant
BE 12. Flight Attendant
HAVE 12. My own library
DO 13. Play piano
BE 13. Domestic Goddess
HAVE 13. The ability to make tastey&healthy meals
DO 14. Play the violin
BE 14. Conservationist
HAVE 14. A good, dependable babysitter
DO 15. Play guitar/at least some songs
BE 15. Active Community Member
HAVE 15. A close group of friends
DO 16. play flute?
BE 16. Proffesor
HAVE 16. Someone I love who loves me back
DO 17. Be 115lbs/heathy
BE 17. Model
HAVE 17. Ideal body
DO 18. Have a big family
BE 18. Mother
HAVE 18. A big family
DO 19. Ride a horse
BE 19. Funny
HAVE 19. A healthy/fun sex life
DO 20. Visit all 50 states
BE 20. Well-rounded/Cultured
HAVE 20. A house (home near ocean or body of water)
DO 21. Be friends w/ a person of "high esteem"
BE 21. Musician
HAVE 21. A "famous" friend
DO 22. Get my blackbelt
BE 22. Nice
HAVE 22. A permanent campsite
DO 23. See the Parthenon
BE 23. Fair
HAVE 23. Laser hair removal surgery
DO 24. Go to a Hollywood awards show
BE 24. Loyal
HAVE 24. Perfect eyesight
DO 25. See the pyramids
BE 25. Positive
HAVE 25. A meadow
DO 26. Take singing lessons
BE 26. Singer
HAVE 26. Swimming pool
DO 27. See a NFL game
BE 27. Upper-middle class
HAVE 27. A new car
DO 28. See the Cistine Chapel
BE 28. Confident
HAVE 28. Awesome collecton of lingerie
DO 29. Have a pic published (National Geographic/Time Magazine)
BE 29. Fufilled
HAVE 29. A beautiful, special proposal/wedding
DO 30. Be bi/tri-lingual
(sign language)
(spanish)
(japaese)
BE 30.
HAVE 30. The ability to speak diff. languages

Inspiration Para Mi

I believe that everything has a purpose and everybody has a place in this world. I think that we could learn something from every person we come in contact with if we're willing to listen. God's plan is far beyond anything we could ever plan for ourselves, so why not put your trust in the one who will lead you in the way everlasting?? Try today to impact someone for the greater. Try to listen more, love all, smile often, appreciate the smallest things in your life and abide in the truth. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." ~1 Cor. 1:9

I'd like to meet artistic people who will inspire me, help me to discover new things. Music lovers. People who know what they are. I wanna see that the world is full of folks that truly believe in respect and tolerance and kindness. I wanna know people that are open-minded, curious. I want to see smiles, and want to hear laugh. I want people who share. I like unusual things.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New King James Version)
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

The Doc

My doctor prayed with me. Ya know, it's a sad thing that doesn't happen more often, but it was great. He seems like a super genuine kind of person. We last spoke in October and he remember various facts about me, that I'm pretty sure he didn't take notes of or anything. It made me feel valued as a human.

On another note about the doc. He is the first young doctor I have ever had. I'm used to old men about to retire. It was a bit akward for me.

So, my hcg levels were tested today and I'm going back on Wednesday when hopefully I will find out that they're higher... Hopefully.

When we prayed the doc asked that I lay it at God's feet. I'm trying. I want to trust that everything will be okay and to know that God is always doing what's best for me/the world... It's hard when my will is so dang stubborn though. Hopefully I make it through everything okay, no matter the outcome.

Scared

I woke up this morning to find that I'm spotting. :-S I was just starting to get excited that I am further along now than I was when I miscarried Avery... but technically, I still have 1.5 weeks til I'm as far along as when I found out I miscarried. (I started bleeding at 10 weeks but the embryo was only 6 weeks along. :-S) I want to be positive, I want to keep hope enough that if I'm not miscarrying I don't stress myself into miscarrying. I don't want to miscarry again! It hurts! I was told last summer when the doctor was trying to rid me of my pre-cancerous cells that the procedure would reduce my chances of carrying a baby to term, but I had no choice... cancer or no cancer... Duh, right? But I'm so angry with myself. People, websites, doctors say miscarriage is because the pregnancy wasn't developing the right way, but mine is because my cervix sucks because I got HPV because I was a bit to permiscuous in my day. God forgives me but I still have to live out the consequences of my behavior. It hurts. It hurts so much. :-(

I was reading a lot of things about miscarriage and people who didn't miscarry but bled and cramped and whatnot. 1/5 pregnancy is a miscarriage... If I'm miscarry I'm at 2/4. I don't want that, and there's nothing I can do to stop it if that's the way it is. Thankfully this time I have some health insurance to cushion the blow of doctor's bills. I'm grateful for that.

My doctor's app. is at 3:30. Then maybe I'll here a heartbeat or see a heartbeat... or maybe I won't. I hope I do. :-(

Open

I have slight envy toward some of my friends. A couple of them seem to be so open in their blogs. I am open about events, and sometimes pain, but they seem to be open about things that I just don't know how to put into words. I wish I could put my thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams into words like they do. I know I should accept me for who I am, but I can't help but want to improve. Maybe improving doesn't mean being the way I want to be though. I should know that. Improving is being like God wants me to be and being okay with that.

I've been reading a lot lately and it seems like God is saying a lot through them. I think I've been improving my spiritual relationship more and more everyday. It's exciting and I hope it only continues to get better.

Something to Smile About.

I passed my driving test!!! -Got 12/15 allowed wrong, all having to do w/ speed issues, but I am still a legal driver now! God knew I needed something to go right. lol. God does more for me then letting me pass my driving test, but still... Okay, I've gotta go take notes for Sociology. Take care.