Co-habitating

Well... the person I'm in love with, and who I've been in love with for over half a year now, sleeps in my house. :-P

He cooks... does the heavy cleaning, like scrubbing the shower, watches movies with me... tells me about how work went, asks my opinion about the future. He is moving in November, maybe early December, and according to his plans he won't be back here. Too much work for too little money. I can't say I blame him.

I love having him around. I love my lack of expectations. I get a hug a day, rarely have cuddles... but I feel so content, and happy even.

I DO NOT know how I will react once he leaves, but right now, my heart is full. There is little I desire in terms of attention, love. I feel most of those needs are being met... and now, because my quota for all "that stuff" is being met, I am focusing on my career as a photographer. I am focusing on getting my apartment how I've wanted it for years. I am focusing on being there for my kids and teaching them whatever it is they desire to learn. I am focusing on becoming a part of my community.

I am so completely at peace in the present, that the future doesn't seem scary. I don't feel like I have to plan ahead for a lot of things. I feel like if I do what I'm suppose to be doing right now, the rest will fall into place. It's amazing. I hope the strides I feel I've made as an individual in the past six months aren't for nothing when my love moves away. I really hope that, but instead of worrying about it, I'm just going to keep loving and growing as a person, and I'm going to enjoy each moment as it happens, and not worry about what comes next so much. :)

Missing

I miss the baby I didn't get to know. Sometimes I feel like I may "mini-ly" obsess over it. (If anyone comes upon this blog "mini-ly" means a little... sort of, in amyspeak.)

I just don't really know how to deal with that I was excited and in baby-love. I know that there are reasons it happened and all that jazz, but I feel a loss. :-S

Not too often, but sometimes I think about what he/or she (since I assume it was a girl due to some of the crazy things that were happening to me hormonaly) would have looked like or acted like... and then I hear a name called at church or in the grocery store, and it's the name I chose for the baby who wasn't meant to be... and I chose the name to help me put a name to my grief and deal with it, but when I hear it I look and wonder if my baby might have been similar to the one who was just called. I smile though because I know if she had the chance she would have been awesome.

I'm okay.

Hopefully someday I'll get the chance to bring another wonderful being into the world. And I'm so glad for the two I get to fully enjoy right now. :-)