I feel alone, and without direction.
I talk to God, usually I hear him, right now, I hear him a little, maybe? I don't think he wants me to be with Jeremy... I don't think I want to be with Jeremy really. But in my humanness I feel the need to make it work, to prove to myself that it can. I feel like I need to be validated by human love. I dislike that about myself.
I don't know how I'm going to make a life for myself and the kids by myself. I know I'll have God, but I'm SO scared. I know others have gone through worse, and I know that I'll make it, and maybe even come out better in the end... I guess I just feel like I'm driving through the fog. :-S
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
I Just Can't
I feel like I have been fighting tooth and nail to hold Jeremy and myself together, and it's getting to the point where there is nothing for me to grasp for. He seems to be distancing himself MORE now, if that's possible and it's crushing me!
A sad thing, to me, is that it's not crushing me that I may lose Jeremy. I don't know that we've ever been that close and I don't think that I'll really miss him to much. I am very sad that my kids will lose him. I hate to take away another dad from Austin... I hate to think about what I'll lose without having another body around. I hate thinking about being alone, without any close friends here in Kansas, but I don't think it's right to just move away either. I have acquaintances here anyway.
I have taken down the four pictures we were in together... I have a list of things that need to be done for me to start being on my own, with three kids... We have discussed childcare arrangements for as long as he's still in Salina. We have discussed tax return issues. He seems more willing to talk about and give me solid answers when it comes to the process of me leaving him than he does about fixing things to move on in life together.
I'm scared and angry.
I feel alone, like I can't tell anyone I'm close to because I'm afraid they'll tell me I've failed or look down on me. I fear this the most from my family.
I hope I'm alright...
I hope life gets better.
A sad thing, to me, is that it's not crushing me that I may lose Jeremy. I don't know that we've ever been that close and I don't think that I'll really miss him to much. I am very sad that my kids will lose him. I hate to take away another dad from Austin... I hate to think about what I'll lose without having another body around. I hate thinking about being alone, without any close friends here in Kansas, but I don't think it's right to just move away either. I have acquaintances here anyway.
I have taken down the four pictures we were in together... I have a list of things that need to be done for me to start being on my own, with three kids... We have discussed childcare arrangements for as long as he's still in Salina. We have discussed tax return issues. He seems more willing to talk about and give me solid answers when it comes to the process of me leaving him than he does about fixing things to move on in life together.
I'm scared and angry.
I feel alone, like I can't tell anyone I'm close to because I'm afraid they'll tell me I've failed or look down on me. I fear this the most from my family.
I hope I'm alright...
I hope life gets better.
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