I've Had Better Days

Okay, so this morning Sam and I were all cooey cuz we had a nice night last night and okay so I said, could you call me when you get home from work (I just wanted to know when he was home so I had something to look forward to when I was done working) Anyway, at around 1:30 I was told I could go home and Sam hadn't called yet. I said I'd stay a little longer and that I didn't need to get paid for it because if I left I'd just be at home by myself... So I went for a walk with Juliana and Ethan. I decided to call Sam when I was getting a little annoyed by the kids running very far ahead of me and trying to pick their neighbors flowers. To my surprise he answered and I was like hey, how are you? and he was like i'm good and then I asked him if he was done with work and he said yeah i'm home and then I asked why he didn't call me like he said he would and he didn't answer, and then I asked again and he said that he had a couple of buddies over and then I hung up on him. I went back to the house where I babysit and the mom was like, I can pay you, and I said it didn't matter and then she said let me call the kids dad to see when he'll be here. (He gets them for a little while before Easter.) So she called him and he was on the street, so she didn't need me anymore. So I angrily drove home accelerating whenever possible. I tried to get ahold of Shannon but I guess he must have been working still. I was hoping that he'd be at his apartment and I'd have somewhere to runaway to. After that plan failed I was going to visit Alicia. But then I thought what if the people she works for have a couple extra days off for Easter? I didn't want to get her in trouble so that idea was out. Then I thought, well I can just go to the library, but I wanted to go home first because I knew I didn't have any e-mails and I wasn't sure what else I would do. I wasn't in a journal mood really. Oh, my other option was to go to the driving range, but my excuse for not doing that was I was nervous about going on base by myself. Alright, I got home and slammed a couple things around when I first walked in, that was after seeing Sam in his pjs and two strangers in my house. Then I went to my room and started reading. Now for my main point or thought. (I bet you didn't think I'd ever get to it.) I was reading the book "Why Am I Up, Why Am I Down" and it's about bipolar disorder. I have a lot of the symptoms, not to admit that I'm crazy or anything, but then again some things just don't fit. But a couple things that really caught my attention were the following;

-people with bipolar disorder often can't control their moods
-sometimes the onset of a manic episode is like a seizure
-people who are involved in the creative arts are more likely to have bipolar disorder

And then there was a list of things that can lead up to bipolar disorder and I, like a lot of people, have experienced a lot of things on the list. Right now though, as sad as this may sound I feel like I'm freaking out. I can feel the blood going through my body I'm shaking, sort of on the verge of a nervous breakdown but not quite and I don't know how to calm down. If I didn't have to save money I would go shopping and I know that would help.

Today when I was babysitting I swept and did dishes. It kept me busy. It was a lot easier than my five hour cleaning escapade in the apartment yesterday...

I need a friend.

COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Apr. 8th, 2004 07:03 am (local)
Sorry I'm not there to give you this... *big hug* I find that cleaning keeps me occupied too. Yesterday, I was feeling really restless and I just started walking from room to room looking for things to tidy up. My dad was shocked when he got home from work. lol. But some girls have told me it's anxiety about the baby -- I guess a lot of expectant mothers have that. *shrug* I don't know. I hope you start feeling better soon!

Love yas!

hopeathy wrote:

Apr. 8th, 2004 01:40 pm (local)
You have a friend.
I wish we lived closer so that when you got like this I could be there for you. You know that you can call me any time day or night. I can't fly down there at the drop of a hat, but I will be there for two weeks in June. I don't know what to tell you except that you can always count on me. I'm here for you. Call me if you want to. -Kat

Calgon Take Me Away...

Ughhhh... Why are people such pains in the butt? I was going to say why are men such pains in the butt and then I realized, just as much as any man is one, in particular Sam, I am just as much of a pain.

I think that we need time away from each other, not a lot of time, but enough to clear our minds maybe. It's not that I want time away from him, it's not like I have a choice even, but none-the-less, if we end up being apart for a few days, it's probably for the better.

For once I am not at the library, my friend Alicia (hi Alicia) is letting me use her computer. It's nice to be out of the apartment and not dwelling on the fact that I don't know if Sam is coming home tonight or not. Fights are so stupid, and they're always just miscommunications blown out of proportion.

I wish I could visit Wisconsin for a week or two. I miss my friends, and the little kids I had the pleasure of watching. I have a job now! There's not much of a point to write about it, because most of the people that read my journal already know, but anyway, now it's documented.

I hope that there's a thunderstorm tonight. It seems like around here hard rain for a few hours is considered a thunderstorm. Only once since I've been out here have I seen lightening.

I have finished two books since I said I wanted to find something I actually enjoyed reading. They are The Ultimate Personality Guide, and What No One Tells The Bride. I am in the middle of Why Am I Up, Why Am I Down. Ah yes, how I yearn for knowledge...

I suppose, time to pull myself away from the computer. I forgot how addicting these things can be if there's no time limit.