Being off my zoloft is horrible. Not only do I break down very badly but I have millions of random thoughts about problems that seem to have no solution. It seems like the zoloft is a dam and when I'm not on it the problems just flow right on by. It's sort of a scary feeling. Everything is confusing and frustrating. Things I can normally handle only feeling minimully stressed by are now tearing me apart inside. I hate that I have a jealous bone, I hate that I have an incredibly hard time trusting my husband, and I hate that I seem to have a stupid obsession with love. I need to feel that I am loved BY SAM. Other people can love me and tell me they love me and say wonderfully nice things about me, but unless I am feeling loved by Sam I can't seem to be happy. It's ridiculous that I base my feelings off of how I think he feels about me, and I know that, but I can seem to control how I feel. I guess the best thing I can do is control my reactions to my feelings, but that seems very difficult. When I feel a certain way I want Sam to understand so maybe he'll try to help me be happier, but he just wants me to solve all of my own stuff and I've been working on that since I was 12 and it hasn't happened yet so I'm not sure if it ever will. I'm reading a book right now called "The Dream Giver." It's sort of inspirational. I also just finished a book called "Fascinating Womanhood." That was suppose to give me tips on how to have a lasting relationship. This really is no fun, most of the time (when I'm taking the zoloft regularly) I don't even think about stuff that bugs me to a great extent, only if the problem is directly in front of me. Right now I have to deal with all of these emotions, probably at a worse level than if I was never on medication to begin with and my "support system" is half a country away. Not to mention my extra moodiness makes taking care of Austin ALL DAY by MYSELF a little more taxing. I love him, and he's super cute, but Sam makes things a lot easier. :-(

In Cali and Doing Fine... (For the Most Part)

Hey to those of you I haven't said hey to in a while. I'm writing a rushed entry right now because it's my 14 year old brother-in-laws bed time and the computer is in his room. Anyway, the trip to Cali was eventful and long and all that fun stuff and since I've been here my baby has been a royal pain. I've been in the hospital three different times and I have a second doctor's appointment since I've been here tomorrow. Happy birthday Alicia and Julia if you're reading this. I'm sorry I couldn't call anyone. Sam's cell is usually highly guarded and out of my reach, my cell's not in service right now and I don't want to rack up the phone bill for Sam's parents. But yeah, the most I can say right now about the baby is that he seems to want to come early and everyone is doing everything they can to hold him off so I'm on modified bed rest and a bunch of medicines. Oh what fun it all is. I'll write more as soon as I can.

Sometimes Life Hurts.

A little more than a week ago I found out some disturbing information in regards to my husband and his relationship with me. Anyway, two nights ago I didn't cry at all and last night I cried very little and managed to write a poem, but all of it is so stressful. The friends I have that know what's going on all seem to think I'm stupid for staying with him. It's not easy for me to stay with him, but it wouldn't be easy for me to leave him either. I don't know, even the married ones are apathetic to my situation. When I got married though I took MY vows seriously. Even if Sam didn't, I did. And I think that sticking to them would be the only way I could continue to feel like a decent person. If the situation gets out of control I will probably leave... Many people would say that it's out of control now, but I am handling it. I wish that there was a certain way to feel about everything. It would be great to have a book that's a how to on what to feel and when to feel it and also how to react. The movers are going to be at my house in four days. I'm leaving in eight. My friends and current surroundings are going to change and this is a time when I really need security in something. I am SO glad I'm on a "mood stabalizer".


COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Oct. 4th, 2004 09:29 am (local)

Wow hun. I don't don't know what's going on, but it doesn't sound nice. :o( If you need to talk, you know how to reach me! *hugs*

(Anonymous) wrote:

Oct. 18th, 2004 08:33 am (local)

It's Michelle Dunphy from FDL here. I'm sorry I haven't emailed you back. Life has been crazy.

I just wanted to check up on you since I don't have LJ anymore..and I saw this entry. Sweetheart, I know you and I never knew each other that well through HS, but from one young wife to another... You can always talk to me. *hug* I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope everything will turn out alright.

vivrelavie wrote:

Oct. 18th, 2004 09:10 am (local)

It's Michelle.

I gave in. I'm back on LJ. But a very private journal with a very small friends list ... so I can keep in touch better!