Huh...

I just found out Nayeli's father has orders to Japan... for three years. Seems like getting paternity done beforehand would be beneficial... He won't be around to see her til she's six and there's no way in hell she'll visit him in Japan unless I do too...

And then, this week Jeremy has two 2nd interviews, in person. One company is based out of OK, the other three hours away. So, Austin's dad is the only one I have to "deal" with... and he hasn't been keeping in touch as much lately the past three weeks again. I have feelings, but I'm not sure what they are.

Blank

I stay up as late as I can, pretty much doing nothing, aka fb and cleaning... then when I can't keep my eyes open I go to bed.

If I did it any other way I'd have to many thoughts and feelings that I just don't want to deal with.

I'm bottling things up, and I want to let them out in a safe, healthy way... but I'm too afraid to feel. :(

Alone

I feel alone, and without direction.
I talk to God, usually I hear him, right now, I hear him a little, maybe?  I don't think he wants me to be with Jeremy...  I don't think I want to be with Jeremy really.  But in my humanness I feel the need to make it work, to prove to myself that it can.  I feel like I need to be validated by human love.  I dislike that about myself.

I don't know how I'm going to make a life for myself and the kids by myself.  I know I'll have God, but I'm SO scared.  I know others have gone through worse, and I know that I'll make it, and maybe even come out better in the end...  I guess I just feel like I'm driving through the fog.  :-S

My Day Isn't Getting Any Better

I feel numb. I really, really don't know what to do, or how to do it. I can't give up on Sam's and my relationship, but I am so miserable right now. Time apart would just make me see that I'm okay without him. I know I'll be okay without him, and I know he'll be okay without me, but this isn't high school. We're not just going out, we're married and we have a baby. Sam is really good with Austin, and I know Austin likes being around him. I would feel cruel to take them away from each other, but I can't imagine not having full custody of Austin, or not being able to spend all day with him. I think I would be miserable. I know once Austin is in school I'll have to be away from him a little bit, but I want to live with him until he's old enough to live on his own. I want to be able to tuck him in every night and read him bed time stories and give him baths. I can't think about this stuff. I wish everything was just magically better, or at least I wished Sam would just care, more than enough to simply come home at the end of the day.

Sometimes Life Hurts.

A little more than a week ago I found out some disturbing information in regards to my husband and his relationship with me. Anyway, two nights ago I didn't cry at all and last night I cried very little and managed to write a poem, but all of it is so stressful. The friends I have that know what's going on all seem to think I'm stupid for staying with him. It's not easy for me to stay with him, but it wouldn't be easy for me to leave him either. I don't know, even the married ones are apathetic to my situation. When I got married though I took MY vows seriously. Even if Sam didn't, I did. And I think that sticking to them would be the only way I could continue to feel like a decent person. If the situation gets out of control I will probably leave... Many people would say that it's out of control now, but I am handling it. I wish that there was a certain way to feel about everything. It would be great to have a book that's a how to on what to feel and when to feel it and also how to react. The movers are going to be at my house in four days. I'm leaving in eight. My friends and current surroundings are going to change and this is a time when I really need security in something. I am SO glad I'm on a "mood stabalizer".


COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:

Oct. 4th, 2004 09:29 am (local)

Wow hun. I don't don't know what's going on, but it doesn't sound nice. :o( If you need to talk, you know how to reach me! *hugs*

(Anonymous) wrote:

Oct. 18th, 2004 08:33 am (local)

It's Michelle Dunphy from FDL here. I'm sorry I haven't emailed you back. Life has been crazy.

I just wanted to check up on you since I don't have LJ anymore..and I saw this entry. Sweetheart, I know you and I never knew each other that well through HS, but from one young wife to another... You can always talk to me. *hug* I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope everything will turn out alright.

vivrelavie wrote:

Oct. 18th, 2004 09:10 am (local)

It's Michelle.

I gave in. I'm back on LJ. But a very private journal with a very small friends list ... so I can keep in touch better!