*30 Things*

30 Things I Want to Do
30 Things I Want to Be
30 Things I Want to Have

(My list from a couple of years ago... Some repeat b/c some of the things I want to do/be/and have are closely related. ;-P)

DO 1. Be a teacher
BE 1. Teacher
HAVE 1. The ability to make others see they are special
DO 2. Write a book/Have something published
BE 2. Author/Writer
HAVE 2. A tanzanite ring
DO 3. Trust God
BE 3. Saved
HAVE 3. A laptop/A portable workplace to work on my photography
DO 4. Change/Influence someone's life
BE 4. Inspirational
HAVE 4. Motivation to do and get what I want
DO 5. Get a AS/BA/MBA?
BE 5. Wise
HAVE 5. An AS/BA/MBA
DO 6. Be teacher of the year
BE 6. Loved/Admired/Adored
HAVE 6. The means to see my fam&friends whenever
DO 7. Be in more plays
BE 7. Actress
HAVE 7. A movie editing program
DO 8. Take great pictures
BE 8. Photographer
HAVE 8. A high quality camera
DO 9. Go to Mexico
BE 9. Unforgettable
HAVE 9. Recognition (not neccessarily fame)
DO 10. New Years in New York
BE 10. Designer
HAVE 10. The means to get a ped/manicure whenever
DO 11. Go to Japan
BE 11. Friend
HAVE 11. One to a few outside animals or no allergies
DO 12. Be a flight attendant
BE 12. Flight Attendant
HAVE 12. My own library
DO 13. Play piano
BE 13. Domestic Goddess
HAVE 13. The ability to make tastey&healthy meals
DO 14. Play the violin
BE 14. Conservationist
HAVE 14. A good, dependable babysitter
DO 15. Play guitar/at least some songs
BE 15. Active Community Member
HAVE 15. A close group of friends
DO 16. play flute?
BE 16. Proffesor
HAVE 16. Someone I love who loves me back
DO 17. Be 115lbs/heathy
BE 17. Model
HAVE 17. Ideal body
DO 18. Have a big family
BE 18. Mother
HAVE 18. A big family
DO 19. Ride a horse
BE 19. Funny
HAVE 19. A healthy/fun sex life
DO 20. Visit all 50 states
BE 20. Well-rounded/Cultured
HAVE 20. A house (home near ocean or body of water)
DO 21. Be friends w/ a person of "high esteem"
BE 21. Musician
HAVE 21. A "famous" friend
DO 22. Get my blackbelt
BE 22. Nice
HAVE 22. A permanent campsite
DO 23. See the Parthenon
BE 23. Fair
HAVE 23. Laser hair removal surgery
DO 24. Go to a Hollywood awards show
BE 24. Loyal
HAVE 24. Perfect eyesight
DO 25. See the pyramids
BE 25. Positive
HAVE 25. A meadow
DO 26. Take singing lessons
BE 26. Singer
HAVE 26. Swimming pool
DO 27. See a NFL game
BE 27. Upper-middle class
HAVE 27. A new car
DO 28. See the Cistine Chapel
BE 28. Confident
HAVE 28. Awesome collecton of lingerie
DO 29. Have a pic published (National Geographic/Time Magazine)
BE 29. Fufilled
HAVE 29. A beautiful, special proposal/wedding
DO 30. Be bi/tri-lingual
(sign language)
(spanish)
(japaese)
BE 30.
HAVE 30. The ability to speak diff. languages

Inspiration Para Mi

I believe that everything has a purpose and everybody has a place in this world. I think that we could learn something from every person we come in contact with if we're willing to listen. God's plan is far beyond anything we could ever plan for ourselves, so why not put your trust in the one who will lead you in the way everlasting?? Try today to impact someone for the greater. Try to listen more, love all, smile often, appreciate the smallest things in your life and abide in the truth. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." ~1 Cor. 1:9

I'd like to meet artistic people who will inspire me, help me to discover new things. Music lovers. People who know what they are. I wanna see that the world is full of folks that truly believe in respect and tolerance and kindness. I wanna know people that are open-minded, curious. I want to see smiles, and want to hear laugh. I want people who share. I like unusual things.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New King James Version)
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

A Ramble

I finished the second book of the Twilight Saga. It was nice to read, kept my attention, has me anxious for the next book, though due to finances that'll have to wait. I can't believe I've read two 24 chapter books in the past four/five days. Not to mention the one I just read took me less than 24 hours to complete. Not too bad considering I worked today. It just astonishes me because they're only the 2nd and 3rd fiction books I have read since Austin was born. I'm more of a "self help" kind of reader. Yay me, I guess. :-P

I am very overwhelmed by bills and debt lately. I feel so hopeless, like no matter how much I don't spend on things I don't need I'm not going to have enough to pay everything off before the walls start closing in. I'm trying to take care of the "small stuff" first, becuase I like finishing the debt of one place rather than paying a little for everything. When I'm done with a bill I feel so much relief. Anyway, today I got a call from a radiology place I owe money to for when I had my miscarriage and needed the sonogram. I wasn't able to answer, but they left a message. I don't want them calling and bothering me. I have a list of my debt and a plan to pay it off and I don't want people making me more stressed about it.

Argh. More things bother me too, but I think they're more trivial... weight and housekeeping. Things I tend to struggle with all the time, no matter how much I try to get it under control. I just want to relax and feel at peace. It's like I'm always on edge lately. Ughhhh. :-P

A Talk

Last night Jeremy and I had a talk and I actually told him a lot of the feelings I've been keeping from him. I keep them from him because I feel they are mean. I hate that I compare people I have dated. I hate some of the shallow feelings I seem to have. I feel that is something wrong with me and telling him will only hurt him and not actually help our situation.

Anyway, last night I talked and didn't feel any better, but today I felt sorry. I feel like I've been ungrateful and immature. I see a future with Jeremy. I think whatever funk I'm in is just a phase. I really need to just wait it out, and I think things will get better.

It is such a big adjustment for me being with someone who really cares and isn't just trying to smooth talk me, or keep me around for a short while. It is a big adjustment to be with someone I don't just look at as a "pick me up," or completely replaceable.

I need to go through these different phases of a real, healthy relationship to figure out what it's all about. I've never had this before and I need to learn. I am so glad after my little rants and odd thoughts/feelings that Jeremy still knows I love and care about him, and that it never seems to shake his feelings for me.



K, on a different note, there's a house down the street that is adorable and a nice price, in a good neighborhood... and I know Jeremy was interested in it before... The price went down $9,000 since this summer. I'm really hoping to have a house by the time Austin starts kindergarden. That's not for another year and a half/two years, but it's still something I'm eager for. We'll see if it goes anywhere.

A Jumble (Anger, Goals for '09, and Dawning)

I am so angry with Nayeli's father. I still feel really betrayed that he didn't share with me that he was getting married... that he hasn't shared with his family that he has a daughter... that he acted like he wanted to be involved and then just stopped everything.

I don't want to know he exists. I would leave myspace completely if I didn't have so many friends I keep in touch with on it... just because I don't want to be anywhere where he is. Facebook is private enough... but myspace is tempting. I know I could just never look at his profile, or his mothers... but I'm a curious person, no matter how much it may tick me off.

I feel torn because part of me wants people to know they're related to my precious little daughter, the other part of me just wants to know for sure whether or not he'll ever try to contact her... or what I should do if she ever wants to contact him. I don't want him missing for years and then all of a sudden trying to be around. I don't want to have to "share" her if he's not in it for the long haul.

What a jerk.





Okay, I was thinking goals was my next subject, but we'll talk about the "dawning" first. Last night when I went to bed Jeremy was curious about my mood. I still didn't know what I find "unattractive" about him. So I tried picturing a quality I find attractive. It is confidence. I asked Jeremy if he thinks he's confident and he asked why and I didn't really feel like letting on. Anyway, he said that since losing his higher position at the club he has felt a blow to his confidence. It is quite possible that is the situation. At the same time I miscarried he lost his position. I don't know how any of this gets fixed but it's nice to know that's a possible source.





I don't know that I really feel like going on about my 2009 goals right now, but I'll give it a shot.

I want to read, not neccessarily more, but as much as last year. It's something I enjoy, and learn from.

I don't want to yell as much.

I want to do more... The library, the park, the mall, mother's group... Anything.

I want to cook more/new things.

I want to take less pictures/more pictures of things that matter.

I want to be positive at work, and at home.

I want to start EVERY day with a prayer. (I'm doing well so far, although sometimes it is difficult. I don't know why...)

I want to stay in touch with old friends.

I want to create more... graphic art, drawing, writing, sewing and so on.

I want to be consistant. (at work, with the kids, with the cleaning.)

I want a new job/better job/better hours/more money.

I want to be confident that I can do anything I want.

I want to pay off debt.

I want to finish my divorce.

There might be more, but that's what comes to mind.

I'm out.

YES!

Personal victory... I am five pounds above pre-Nayeli weight. This means most of my old pants fit. :-D I am soooo pleased with this new discovery. (I found out at the dentist today.) I'm still 12 pounds from pre-Austin weight, but eventually I may get there.

People may not understand this about me... I am referred to as tiny quite often, and I honestly don't see it. I appreciate the reference, but it's not really me. I'm average, and that's fine. I am very happy with my physical appearance when I'm under a size five. And if I can get into a size three and it fits the way it should, I am especially pleased. It's just a standard I have set for myself. I'm quite short, it's not an unhealthy standard by any means.

I exercise, I don't eat unhealthily, most of the time, and I have a "style" that calls for me to be smaller. My mom used to tell me that I couldn't wear the clothes I wanted to because I was too big, and she was, for the most part right. Certain things aren't flattering to some body types. Also, some things that are flattering on everyone are more flattering on me when I'm smaller.

I get preoccupied with things sometimes, but it's me. I didn't fret over my weight when I was smaller, and when I'm smaller again I'll stop fretting again. It will be another glorious day, like today!