A Jumble (Anger, Goals for '09, and Dawning)

I am so angry with Nayeli's father. I still feel really betrayed that he didn't share with me that he was getting married... that he hasn't shared with his family that he has a daughter... that he acted like he wanted to be involved and then just stopped everything.

I don't want to know he exists. I would leave myspace completely if I didn't have so many friends I keep in touch with on it... just because I don't want to be anywhere where he is. Facebook is private enough... but myspace is tempting. I know I could just never look at his profile, or his mothers... but I'm a curious person, no matter how much it may tick me off.

I feel torn because part of me wants people to know they're related to my precious little daughter, the other part of me just wants to know for sure whether or not he'll ever try to contact her... or what I should do if she ever wants to contact him. I don't want him missing for years and then all of a sudden trying to be around. I don't want to have to "share" her if he's not in it for the long haul.

What a jerk.





Okay, I was thinking goals was my next subject, but we'll talk about the "dawning" first. Last night when I went to bed Jeremy was curious about my mood. I still didn't know what I find "unattractive" about him. So I tried picturing a quality I find attractive. It is confidence. I asked Jeremy if he thinks he's confident and he asked why and I didn't really feel like letting on. Anyway, he said that since losing his higher position at the club he has felt a blow to his confidence. It is quite possible that is the situation. At the same time I miscarried he lost his position. I don't know how any of this gets fixed but it's nice to know that's a possible source.





I don't know that I really feel like going on about my 2009 goals right now, but I'll give it a shot.

I want to read, not neccessarily more, but as much as last year. It's something I enjoy, and learn from.

I don't want to yell as much.

I want to do more... The library, the park, the mall, mother's group... Anything.

I want to cook more/new things.

I want to take less pictures/more pictures of things that matter.

I want to be positive at work, and at home.

I want to start EVERY day with a prayer. (I'm doing well so far, although sometimes it is difficult. I don't know why...)

I want to stay in touch with old friends.

I want to create more... graphic art, drawing, writing, sewing and so on.

I want to be consistant. (at work, with the kids, with the cleaning.)

I want a new job/better job/better hours/more money.

I want to be confident that I can do anything I want.

I want to pay off debt.

I want to finish my divorce.

There might be more, but that's what comes to mind.

I'm out.