I'm tired. I've got to be to work in little more than an hour and I haven't slept yet. The good news is I've only been awake 14 hours. But still, I work till 9AM and by that time I'll have been awake for 18ish hours. Today's Nayeli's b-day but like I said I work early this morning, then again from 9pm-12am. Jeremy works from 11am-2:30pm, then has school from 5:30-8:40. Cake and presents is going to be 3ish-5ish.
I got "talked" to at work the other day b/c a customer, I guess, complained about me. I try really hard at work, I do what I'm suppose to do, I'm nice to people who are not nice to me, and I'm very smiley and try to be very helpful. This person supposedly complained b/c I was not at "my station" when I was doing self check some time between 10pm-12am. We don't have sackers at that time, so being the only other person in front, other than the cashier, when we are dead, for the most part I sack groceries. If someone needs assistant at self check I am there within five seconds. I have no idea what provoked this women to complain about me, as I do not recall any circumstance that would have called for such an action, but whatev. I'm so frustrated that I practically work my butt off, while the majority of my co-workers skate by doing the bare minimum and I get talked to. It frustrates me so much. I also understand customers come first, which mine do, but what I do not understand is management's need to bring people down instead of build them up. I have not once in the six months I've been at the store gotten a compliment from one of them. I'd really like to let the situation go, but it makes me so angry every time I think of it, like it's totally not worth trying so hard when they're never going to notice or appreciate my effort anyway.
I feel like I'm starting to not like people in general. Not that I ever was fond of a whole lot before. I like my best friends, some of my family and my kids. Wow anti-socialness. :-P
I had an anxiety attack on Saturday. It was while I was working and I was overwhelmed with people's bad attitudes. Sometimes I'm so stressed/angry that my chest hurts, sort of like it's on fire. I don't know what I'm so angry about or how to let it go. It's driving me crazy, almost literally. There are things that provoke it even more and they're little thigns that happen often... like right now when it seems like Jeremy has the TV blaring and I just want it to be quiet. I hate to take life for granted but, other than the kids I'm not insanely happy about it right now. :-S I dunno what to do or what to change though. :-(
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
A Ramble
I finished the second book of the Twilight Saga. It was nice to read, kept my attention, has me anxious for the next book, though due to finances that'll have to wait. I can't believe I've read two 24 chapter books in the past four/five days. Not to mention the one I just read took me less than 24 hours to complete. Not too bad considering I worked today. It just astonishes me because they're only the 2nd and 3rd fiction books I have read since Austin was born. I'm more of a "self help" kind of reader. Yay me, I guess. :-P
I am very overwhelmed by bills and debt lately. I feel so hopeless, like no matter how much I don't spend on things I don't need I'm not going to have enough to pay everything off before the walls start closing in. I'm trying to take care of the "small stuff" first, becuase I like finishing the debt of one place rather than paying a little for everything. When I'm done with a bill I feel so much relief. Anyway, today I got a call from a radiology place I owe money to for when I had my miscarriage and needed the sonogram. I wasn't able to answer, but they left a message. I don't want them calling and bothering me. I have a list of my debt and a plan to pay it off and I don't want people making me more stressed about it.
Argh. More things bother me too, but I think they're more trivial... weight and housekeeping. Things I tend to struggle with all the time, no matter how much I try to get it under control. I just want to relax and feel at peace. It's like I'm always on edge lately. Ughhhh. :-P
I am very overwhelmed by bills and debt lately. I feel so hopeless, like no matter how much I don't spend on things I don't need I'm not going to have enough to pay everything off before the walls start closing in. I'm trying to take care of the "small stuff" first, becuase I like finishing the debt of one place rather than paying a little for everything. When I'm done with a bill I feel so much relief. Anyway, today I got a call from a radiology place I owe money to for when I had my miscarriage and needed the sonogram. I wasn't able to answer, but they left a message. I don't want them calling and bothering me. I have a list of my debt and a plan to pay it off and I don't want people making me more stressed about it.
Argh. More things bother me too, but I think they're more trivial... weight and housekeeping. Things I tend to struggle with all the time, no matter how much I try to get it under control. I just want to relax and feel at peace. It's like I'm always on edge lately. Ughhhh. :-P
Monday, January 19, 2009
Love is Bliss
Heh, yesterday Jeremy and I were going through a "rougher" day and he went to work and asked if I wanted him to bring me home anything, to which I replied, "love." So anyway, he brought me home chocolates with the quote, "Love is bliss..." on them. They were called "Bliss," but if love is bliss, then bliss must be love. :-P On a tangent I thought, "isn't ignorance bliss? and if ignorance is bliss, and bliss is love, then wouldn't love be ignorance." :-P Like I said, it was a tangent.
After Jeremy was done with work our day got better. We finished up season 8 of friends, played Bamboozeled and just hung out. I need more days like that. Oooh. Along with my chocolates and my sub sandwich Jeremy brought me home the first book in the "Twilight" series. I really didn't want to do anything other than read it when I got it, but I did anyway. Every bathroom or food break though I was right back to my book! I saw the movie in theaters and loved it, then I read about Nicole reading the series and it made me want to see the movie again. I guess Jeremy thought I'd be interested in reading it, though I never mentioned how much I wished it were still in theaters, but I'm glad he brought it home. So far it's just like the movie. I just have the opportunity to take it all in a little more slowly.
This morning Jeremy brought the car in to get the brakes fixed. Of course the car place did a diagnostic to see what else was wrong with the car. With issues pertaining to the brakes alone it's costing us $602 to fix. Better that than a faulty car though. Ya know, if Jeremy would have routine matinance done on his beloved '92 Ford Probe it wouldn't cost this much to fix. :-P Oh well. Better late than never.
Austin has been having such problems going to bed lately. He just screams and throws massive fits. It's really aggravating. I don't quite know how to deal with it sometimes. His screams are so shrill that I feel like my eardrums are going to burst. Jeremy and I, as kids, both just listened to our parents. The only thing my mom ever did to discipline me was put me in the corner and send me to my room. That doesn't get the point across for Austin.
Well, I'm up and nobody else is here at 2:36 in the afternoon. Just thought I'd write while I had some peace and quiet. ;-) *Relief*
After Jeremy was done with work our day got better. We finished up season 8 of friends, played Bamboozeled and just hung out. I need more days like that. Oooh. Along with my chocolates and my sub sandwich Jeremy brought me home the first book in the "Twilight" series. I really didn't want to do anything other than read it when I got it, but I did anyway. Every bathroom or food break though I was right back to my book! I saw the movie in theaters and loved it, then I read about Nicole reading the series and it made me want to see the movie again. I guess Jeremy thought I'd be interested in reading it, though I never mentioned how much I wished it were still in theaters, but I'm glad he brought it home. So far it's just like the movie. I just have the opportunity to take it all in a little more slowly.
This morning Jeremy brought the car in to get the brakes fixed. Of course the car place did a diagnostic to see what else was wrong with the car. With issues pertaining to the brakes alone it's costing us $602 to fix. Better that than a faulty car though. Ya know, if Jeremy would have routine matinance done on his beloved '92 Ford Probe it wouldn't cost this much to fix. :-P Oh well. Better late than never.
Austin has been having such problems going to bed lately. He just screams and throws massive fits. It's really aggravating. I don't quite know how to deal with it sometimes. His screams are so shrill that I feel like my eardrums are going to burst. Jeremy and I, as kids, both just listened to our parents. The only thing my mom ever did to discipline me was put me in the corner and send me to my room. That doesn't get the point across for Austin.
Well, I'm up and nobody else is here at 2:36 in the afternoon. Just thought I'd write while I had some peace and quiet. ;-) *Relief*
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Mis Amigos
Nothing new here really. I miss my friends. I miss CA's warm weather. I miss the beach and the mountains.
It's strange. Looking through pictures of the past two/three years... there were so many good times. Ya know, my marriage sucked, but because of that I met some of the sweetest, most fun people. I had plenty of time to spend with them too. Now I have someone, plus two kids, and no time for the people. I'm grateful for my family, but I miss having friends close by. I know to solve this I either need to move closer to the friends I had, or make new friends... and the moving closer doens't really seem like an option, as nice as it would be. :-P
How to make new friends with no time though? And what family friendly things could I do with these new people? What am I looking for in a friendship with anyone. I have emotional support from the friends I already have.
I think the pictures just have me missing the good times with good people. I have good times with Jeremy, they're just not the same kinds of good times. When the kids get older I'll probably have friends again. I'd like some now though. :-S
*Sigh.*
Oh well.
It's strange. Looking through pictures of the past two/three years... there were so many good times. Ya know, my marriage sucked, but because of that I met some of the sweetest, most fun people. I had plenty of time to spend with them too. Now I have someone, plus two kids, and no time for the people. I'm grateful for my family, but I miss having friends close by. I know to solve this I either need to move closer to the friends I had, or make new friends... and the moving closer doens't really seem like an option, as nice as it would be. :-P
How to make new friends with no time though? And what family friendly things could I do with these new people? What am I looking for in a friendship with anyone. I have emotional support from the friends I already have.
I think the pictures just have me missing the good times with good people. I have good times with Jeremy, they're just not the same kinds of good times. When the kids get older I'll probably have friends again. I'd like some now though. :-S
*Sigh.*
Oh well.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A Talk
Last night Jeremy and I had a talk and I actually told him a lot of the feelings I've been keeping from him. I keep them from him because I feel they are mean. I hate that I compare people I have dated. I hate some of the shallow feelings I seem to have. I feel that is something wrong with me and telling him will only hurt him and not actually help our situation.
Anyway, last night I talked and didn't feel any better, but today I felt sorry. I feel like I've been ungrateful and immature. I see a future with Jeremy. I think whatever funk I'm in is just a phase. I really need to just wait it out, and I think things will get better.
It is such a big adjustment for me being with someone who really cares and isn't just trying to smooth talk me, or keep me around for a short while. It is a big adjustment to be with someone I don't just look at as a "pick me up," or completely replaceable.
I need to go through these different phases of a real, healthy relationship to figure out what it's all about. I've never had this before and I need to learn. I am so glad after my little rants and odd thoughts/feelings that Jeremy still knows I love and care about him, and that it never seems to shake his feelings for me.
K, on a different note, there's a house down the street that is adorable and a nice price, in a good neighborhood... and I know Jeremy was interested in it before... The price went down $9,000 since this summer. I'm really hoping to have a house by the time Austin starts kindergarden. That's not for another year and a half/two years, but it's still something I'm eager for. We'll see if it goes anywhere.
Anyway, last night I talked and didn't feel any better, but today I felt sorry. I feel like I've been ungrateful and immature. I see a future with Jeremy. I think whatever funk I'm in is just a phase. I really need to just wait it out, and I think things will get better.
It is such a big adjustment for me being with someone who really cares and isn't just trying to smooth talk me, or keep me around for a short while. It is a big adjustment to be with someone I don't just look at as a "pick me up," or completely replaceable.
I need to go through these different phases of a real, healthy relationship to figure out what it's all about. I've never had this before and I need to learn. I am so glad after my little rants and odd thoughts/feelings that Jeremy still knows I love and care about him, and that it never seems to shake his feelings for me.
K, on a different note, there's a house down the street that is adorable and a nice price, in a good neighborhood... and I know Jeremy was interested in it before... The price went down $9,000 since this summer. I'm really hoping to have a house by the time Austin starts kindergarden. That's not for another year and a half/two years, but it's still something I'm eager for. We'll see if it goes anywhere.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A Jumble (Anger, Goals for '09, and Dawning)
I am so angry with Nayeli's father. I still feel really betrayed that he didn't share with me that he was getting married... that he hasn't shared with his family that he has a daughter... that he acted like he wanted to be involved and then just stopped everything.
I don't want to know he exists. I would leave myspace completely if I didn't have so many friends I keep in touch with on it... just because I don't want to be anywhere where he is. Facebook is private enough... but myspace is tempting. I know I could just never look at his profile, or his mothers... but I'm a curious person, no matter how much it may tick me off.
I feel torn because part of me wants people to know they're related to my precious little daughter, the other part of me just wants to know for sure whether or not he'll ever try to contact her... or what I should do if she ever wants to contact him. I don't want him missing for years and then all of a sudden trying to be around. I don't want to have to "share" her if he's not in it for the long haul.
What a jerk.
Okay, I was thinking goals was my next subject, but we'll talk about the "dawning" first. Last night when I went to bed Jeremy was curious about my mood. I still didn't know what I find "unattractive" about him. So I tried picturing a quality I find attractive. It is confidence. I asked Jeremy if he thinks he's confident and he asked why and I didn't really feel like letting on. Anyway, he said that since losing his higher position at the club he has felt a blow to his confidence. It is quite possible that is the situation. At the same time I miscarried he lost his position. I don't know how any of this gets fixed but it's nice to know that's a possible source.
I don't know that I really feel like going on about my 2009 goals right now, but I'll give it a shot.
I want to read, not neccessarily more, but as much as last year. It's something I enjoy, and learn from.
I don't want to yell as much.
I want to do more... The library, the park, the mall, mother's group... Anything.
I want to cook more/new things.
I want to take less pictures/more pictures of things that matter.
I want to be positive at work, and at home.
I want to start EVERY day with a prayer. (I'm doing well so far, although sometimes it is difficult. I don't know why...)
I want to stay in touch with old friends.
I want to create more... graphic art, drawing, writing, sewing and so on.
I want to be consistant. (at work, with the kids, with the cleaning.)
I want a new job/better job/better hours/more money.
I want to be confident that I can do anything I want.
I want to pay off debt.
I want to finish my divorce.
There might be more, but that's what comes to mind.
I'm out.
I don't want to know he exists. I would leave myspace completely if I didn't have so many friends I keep in touch with on it... just because I don't want to be anywhere where he is. Facebook is private enough... but myspace is tempting. I know I could just never look at his profile, or his mothers... but I'm a curious person, no matter how much it may tick me off.
I feel torn because part of me wants people to know they're related to my precious little daughter, the other part of me just wants to know for sure whether or not he'll ever try to contact her... or what I should do if she ever wants to contact him. I don't want him missing for years and then all of a sudden trying to be around. I don't want to have to "share" her if he's not in it for the long haul.
What a jerk.
Okay, I was thinking goals was my next subject, but we'll talk about the "dawning" first. Last night when I went to bed Jeremy was curious about my mood. I still didn't know what I find "unattractive" about him. So I tried picturing a quality I find attractive. It is confidence. I asked Jeremy if he thinks he's confident and he asked why and I didn't really feel like letting on. Anyway, he said that since losing his higher position at the club he has felt a blow to his confidence. It is quite possible that is the situation. At the same time I miscarried he lost his position. I don't know how any of this gets fixed but it's nice to know that's a possible source.
I don't know that I really feel like going on about my 2009 goals right now, but I'll give it a shot.
I want to read, not neccessarily more, but as much as last year. It's something I enjoy, and learn from.
I don't want to yell as much.
I want to do more... The library, the park, the mall, mother's group... Anything.
I want to cook more/new things.
I want to take less pictures/more pictures of things that matter.
I want to be positive at work, and at home.
I want to start EVERY day with a prayer. (I'm doing well so far, although sometimes it is difficult. I don't know why...)
I want to stay in touch with old friends.
I want to create more... graphic art, drawing, writing, sewing and so on.
I want to be consistant. (at work, with the kids, with the cleaning.)
I want a new job/better job/better hours/more money.
I want to be confident that I can do anything I want.
I want to pay off debt.
I want to finish my divorce.
There might be more, but that's what comes to mind.
I'm out.
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