Not there.

Within the past three months I have been reintroduced to the idea of Nayeli's father (step-mother and siblings) being in here life. I am happy that she will more than likely not recall a time she did not have contact with them. I think that's as it should be. While I am so very happy for her, that perhaps missing that part of her family (as in having no contact with them) will not be an issue, I am finding I have to 'deal' with some things/feelings I would really, really, really.. really, really rather not. Tonight Nayeli's step(or bonus, whichever works) mom posted a video of Nayeli's father helping his other daughter learn to walk. She's a precious little girl, and it was a cute video... mommy and daddy together. I liked it. I like parents being good parents. It warms my heart. I'm a comparer. I love finding pics and videos of Nayeli at her siblings ages and oohing at how much they looked alike or made the same sounds. I found a video of Nayeli walking. She was just barely starting... I saw her start from the entertainment area. Since normally it was me with the kids, even though Jeremy was around, she didn't have someone holding her hands, giving her security if she faltered. She had me cheering her on, gently calling to her, trying my best to be everything I could be for her. I still try. She told me a week or so ago, randomly, "I never met my dad." I said, "You've talked to him on the phone," and she replied, "Yeah, but I never seen him." I said, "You've seen him on Skype." She came back with, "But I never been by him." Then I stopped. She hasn't. I don't know when she will be. Sometimes it hurts so bad to have these precious children who I adore more than I can explain. I want to be there for them as much as they need. I'm just me though. There is so much I feel I can't do alone. I feel SO alone sometimes. Austin had to do a paper for school... 'If I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would use the money...' the last thing on his list was that he would use the money to give his dad freedom from jail every year if there was enough. I feel like a failure as a mom. How could I make these sweet little vessels of feelings and knowledge with people who weren't going to stick around? I know I didn't know they weren't going to stick around, but I feel like I should have.

Huh...

I just found out Nayeli's father has orders to Japan... for three years. Seems like getting paternity done beforehand would be beneficial... He won't be around to see her til she's six and there's no way in hell she'll visit him in Japan unless I do too...

And then, this week Jeremy has two 2nd interviews, in person. One company is based out of OK, the other three hours away. So, Austin's dad is the only one I have to "deal" with... and he hasn't been keeping in touch as much lately the past three weeks again. I have feelings, but I'm not sure what they are.

Not a Dream

*Disclaimer: So, it's an emo-ish poem... 
Just b/c I'm happy most of the time, doesn't mean I don't have moments.  Plus sometimes, with poetry, I tend to be a little more dramatic.  ;-)  That being said...

I feel like I'm losing you every day
Even though you left long ago
I search for the feeling, knowing you'd stay
Then I get SO mad knowing it isn't so

I see you in my dreams,
so close that I can touch.
You're there for me in that place
It's really almost too much

I need you
Here
For me
I need you
-To be all that I was.
It's hard to face reality,
when I know that I'm missing your love.

It's hard,
 because when I shut my eyes
it seems I find sweet release
But as I wake and you drift away
I'm only left with the memory
And I'm lelft feeling emty with a sense of insanity.

Where are you?!  Where are you?!
Why aren't you here???
My sorrow, it deepens.
I fight not to be consumed
by anger,
and frustration,
 and tears. 

A Jumble (Anger, Goals for '09, and Dawning)

I am so angry with Nayeli's father. I still feel really betrayed that he didn't share with me that he was getting married... that he hasn't shared with his family that he has a daughter... that he acted like he wanted to be involved and then just stopped everything.

I don't want to know he exists. I would leave myspace completely if I didn't have so many friends I keep in touch with on it... just because I don't want to be anywhere where he is. Facebook is private enough... but myspace is tempting. I know I could just never look at his profile, or his mothers... but I'm a curious person, no matter how much it may tick me off.

I feel torn because part of me wants people to know they're related to my precious little daughter, the other part of me just wants to know for sure whether or not he'll ever try to contact her... or what I should do if she ever wants to contact him. I don't want him missing for years and then all of a sudden trying to be around. I don't want to have to "share" her if he's not in it for the long haul.

What a jerk.





Okay, I was thinking goals was my next subject, but we'll talk about the "dawning" first. Last night when I went to bed Jeremy was curious about my mood. I still didn't know what I find "unattractive" about him. So I tried picturing a quality I find attractive. It is confidence. I asked Jeremy if he thinks he's confident and he asked why and I didn't really feel like letting on. Anyway, he said that since losing his higher position at the club he has felt a blow to his confidence. It is quite possible that is the situation. At the same time I miscarried he lost his position. I don't know how any of this gets fixed but it's nice to know that's a possible source.





I don't know that I really feel like going on about my 2009 goals right now, but I'll give it a shot.

I want to read, not neccessarily more, but as much as last year. It's something I enjoy, and learn from.

I don't want to yell as much.

I want to do more... The library, the park, the mall, mother's group... Anything.

I want to cook more/new things.

I want to take less pictures/more pictures of things that matter.

I want to be positive at work, and at home.

I want to start EVERY day with a prayer. (I'm doing well so far, although sometimes it is difficult. I don't know why...)

I want to stay in touch with old friends.

I want to create more... graphic art, drawing, writing, sewing and so on.

I want to be consistant. (at work, with the kids, with the cleaning.)

I want a new job/better job/better hours/more money.

I want to be confident that I can do anything I want.

I want to pay off debt.

I want to finish my divorce.

There might be more, but that's what comes to mind.

I'm out.

Life 1.5 Years Later (Almost)

Life is good. I have been in Salina, Kansas since August, have a nice job with good co-workers and I have a fantastic boyfriend! Sam and I are still going through our divorce. It would be so much easier if it was cheap, but it's not and I have to always put the kids needs first. I will be happy to close that chapter of my life once and for all though.

I had a beautiful baby girl, Nayeli Elizabeth, January 28th of this year. She is almost one and she's wonderful. Austin is great as well. The temporary order in the divorce gave me full physical and legal custody of him. His dad came to visit last July/August and then he pretty much stopped calling after that. The two have talked less than ten times in the past four months. Sam was in jail for two of those months and says he still probably has some time to serve due to his three DUIs between June 2007 and April 2008. All which were car accidents involving other people. Wisconsin Child Support is also going after because he has not paid any child support since it's been ordered and that was almost five months ago.

Nayeli's father isn't involved either. In September he asked if he could come see her and then I never heard from him again. He got married in October, I think.. I didn't even know he was seeing someone.

Jeremy, my boyfriend, loves the kids. We have dinners together as a family, we play and laugh and tickle and watch movies and do other things. He is always home when he's not working and he is kind and gentle. Never raises a hand, says a mean word, or drinks. I am very glad we are together and that he is a great emotional support for me. It's amazing but since getting out of some of the horrible situations I was in, in the past, I don't need much emotional support... I'm not nearly as emotional. Go figure. ;-)

Well anyway, Merry Chirstmas if you're reading this!

COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:
Dec. 28th, 2008 10:49 am (local)
I miss you. But I'm glad you're finally happy.

Baby Fasha Drama

Some stuff on my mind lately...
Like how I don't want to deal with Sam or David. I understand Sam needing to be in Austin's life to an extent. We all lived together for a while. And if Sam gets better fine... until then supervised visitations is what it needs to be.

He owes me $3065 in back child support right now. I've been making it without it, but it would help... and I can't even imagine what we would do with it when we got it... probably save most of it. Maybe we'd eat a little more healthily.

As far as dealing with David goes... why? I know we'd get child support for Nayeli, and as long as he's in the military we'd have health insurance for her... but he hasn't showed much if any interest in over 10 months, and it wears me out, basically waiting for him to care.

I don't need his help.

Family members urge me to go after the guys, but it stresses me out... It's weird though, thinking if they did help... how it wouldn't be a struglge to make ends meet, they'd just meet... I'd have more time with the kiddos... I wouldn't need assiatance at all, not even for health care.

We'll see. We have everything we could want or need, other than health care... and hopefully that will come soon. :-)