Not there.

Within the past three months I have been reintroduced to the idea of Nayeli's father (step-mother and siblings) being in here life. I am happy that she will more than likely not recall a time she did not have contact with them. I think that's as it should be. While I am so very happy for her, that perhaps missing that part of her family (as in having no contact with them) will not be an issue, I am finding I have to 'deal' with some things/feelings I would really, really, really.. really, really rather not. Tonight Nayeli's step(or bonus, whichever works) mom posted a video of Nayeli's father helping his other daughter learn to walk. She's a precious little girl, and it was a cute video... mommy and daddy together. I liked it. I like parents being good parents. It warms my heart. I'm a comparer. I love finding pics and videos of Nayeli at her siblings ages and oohing at how much they looked alike or made the same sounds. I found a video of Nayeli walking. She was just barely starting... I saw her start from the entertainment area. Since normally it was me with the kids, even though Jeremy was around, she didn't have someone holding her hands, giving her security if she faltered. She had me cheering her on, gently calling to her, trying my best to be everything I could be for her. I still try. She told me a week or so ago, randomly, "I never met my dad." I said, "You've talked to him on the phone," and she replied, "Yeah, but I never seen him." I said, "You've seen him on Skype." She came back with, "But I never been by him." Then I stopped. She hasn't. I don't know when she will be. Sometimes it hurts so bad to have these precious children who I adore more than I can explain. I want to be there for them as much as they need. I'm just me though. There is so much I feel I can't do alone. I feel SO alone sometimes. Austin had to do a paper for school... 'If I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would use the money...' the last thing on his list was that he would use the money to give his dad freedom from jail every year if there was enough. I feel like a failure as a mom. How could I make these sweet little vessels of feelings and knowledge with people who weren't going to stick around? I know I didn't know they weren't going to stick around, but I feel like I should have.