Scared

I woke up this morning to find that I'm spotting. :-S I was just starting to get excited that I am further along now than I was when I miscarried Avery... but technically, I still have 1.5 weeks til I'm as far along as when I found out I miscarried. (I started bleeding at 10 weeks but the embryo was only 6 weeks along. :-S) I want to be positive, I want to keep hope enough that if I'm not miscarrying I don't stress myself into miscarrying. I don't want to miscarry again! It hurts! I was told last summer when the doctor was trying to rid me of my pre-cancerous cells that the procedure would reduce my chances of carrying a baby to term, but I had no choice... cancer or no cancer... Duh, right? But I'm so angry with myself. People, websites, doctors say miscarriage is because the pregnancy wasn't developing the right way, but mine is because my cervix sucks because I got HPV because I was a bit to permiscuous in my day. God forgives me but I still have to live out the consequences of my behavior. It hurts. It hurts so much. :-(

I was reading a lot of things about miscarriage and people who didn't miscarry but bled and cramped and whatnot. 1/5 pregnancy is a miscarriage... If I'm miscarry I'm at 2/4. I don't want that, and there's nothing I can do to stop it if that's the way it is. Thankfully this time I have some health insurance to cushion the blow of doctor's bills. I'm grateful for that.

My doctor's app. is at 3:30. Then maybe I'll here a heartbeat or see a heartbeat... or maybe I won't. I hope I do. :-(