People are GREAT! (Until you get to know them.)

Okay, it's a pessimistic way of thinking, BUT, it's sort of true for me. I'm a bit picky about people I keep in my life... okay, a LOT picky. But some people manage to slip through the cracks and make an impact on me, and remain people I look up to and even like.

I was thinking about a particular friend, who is actually my most long term friend that I still keep in touch with and like/respect and all that jazz. I was thinking about what made is so I kept an admiration for him these past 12 years. It's a bit sad to say that it's probably not that he's a bit of a genius, or that he was a teacher of sorts for me, or even that I at one point found him very attractive. Nope, admirable qualities, but not why I think I still am fond of him at all when you get right down to the point. I think he's probably still a part of my life because I don't know him very well. I never hung out with him outside of a class type enviornment. As an young adult and throughout some of my adult years I've had IM conversations with him about this and that, where I did get to know some parts of him. But, being a closed off male, as most men I seem to meet and interact with are, I know very little about the way he thinks or how he feels. He is very opinionated and has blogs with his opinions, many of which I don't agree with. That's as close to knowing him as I think I'll ever get. Sadly, I think if I ever got to know more, I may not like him. I enjoy the role he's had in my life, and the tiny roll he still plays, I don't want to ruin that, so I won't try to get to know him any harder than I've ever tried.

I have a co-worker. He's a fascinating person. Very interesting. Surprising. We're almost like friends I guess. I was starting to get to know him a little, on a healthy level for someone who is dating someone else to get to know someone. I was enjoying the balance of having a male friend and a boyfriend and having no boundries crossed. I was thinking about how I admire him and why... It's because he seems to know things, and I find that intriguing. I'm a curious person, I like to learn about other people. Recently, our communication has dwindled. I don't feel a huge loss here, but I am let down... To me, it is showing me that he is a bit unreliable, or at least not the kind of friend who is good at "two-way" friendships... ya know, the type of friendships where both people make an effort to be friends equally. I know there's a wax and wane of that, obviously things come up and sometimes one friend needs to try harder til the other friend comes around again, but we weren't at that kind of friendship yet. It's a little more proof that I thought he was great, til I started to get to know him better and see a different side to him.

The same is true for my ex's... which is why they are my ex's. It's true for friends I've lost touch with and have no interest of getting back in touch with. They were great, or at least good at one point, until I found parts of them that were much to incompatible with me and how I am.

By all this I'm not saying I'm great or the best by any means. I have let people down in the past in extreme ways. Sometimes those ways were materalized by the people, in my opinion, but I fueled the fire.

There are a few people, who, despite my differences with them, I love. Major differences are religion, more slight is politics and on a small scale is distance. Distance is the worst difference I'm facing right now... the only wedge I feel between myself and those closest to me. (haha... obviously not geographically, but in my heart.)

(Sorry Nicole, gonna copy your list thing here.)

People who have influenced me, who still influence me, in a positive way: (Listed by length of time influencing, not including family)

Jason - 12 years
Emily - 11 years
Katie - 3 years
Bri - 3 years
Danielle - 2.5 years
Nicole - 1.5 years

People who I love, who might influence me if we lived on the same plane, who I wish I was still close with:

Jen - age 13-17
Natasha - age 13-17
Renee - age 14-18
Jared - age 15-23
Kathy - age 17-21
Phillip - age 21-23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
Jenny - age 17-18/23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)

People who helped me figure out who I was and helped me get through a very rough time in my life:

Jessica
Alicia
Rocco
Shannon
Rick
Rachel
Jennifer
Ali
Matthew
Weston
Bernardo
Russell
Joe
Kevin
Amanda
Alisha
David G.
David H.

Surprisingly there are more people that have influenced me, but these are the biggies, the ones I think about on a fairly regular basis, the ones I sometimes pine for, because they brought a lot into my life! I am so blessed to have met and befriended so many amazing people.

Jeremy's not on any lists right now because I'm still learning about him. He dissapoints me all the time. It sounds so harsh, but I'm trying to learn who I am in a healthy relationship while learning who he is and sometimes he's not what I expect and he's definetely not what I'm used to. And it's difficult because I don't have any close friends where we live and I think it's ridiculous to try and get all of my emotional needs met by one person, a guy non the less. ;-) I'm glad I've got him and I'm glad he is patient with me, as I am with him... and I'm hoping for the best, cuz what else can I do. ;-) Life has been a whole lot better since Jeremy than it was before on many different levels. The only drama there ever really is is the past haunting me. :-S Trying to work past that.