Blank

I stay up as late as I can, pretty much doing nothing, aka fb and cleaning... then when I can't keep my eyes open I go to bed.

If I did it any other way I'd have to many thoughts and feelings that I just don't want to deal with.

I'm bottling things up, and I want to let them out in a safe, healthy way... but I'm too afraid to feel. :(

Reflection

Ugh.
I don't know what I'm like, or what I like, or what I want?
I like my kids. :)
I like taking/editing pictures... It's a creative outlet. I like creative outlets.
I like going for walks.
I like some tv shows.
I like funny people, but I like the right kind of funny, and just because I like funny doesn't mean I am funny. I can be funny, but it needs to be the right circumstance.

I feel so blah.

I don't know what I have to offer, or if I have anything to offer.
I don't think that thinking about offering anything to anyone is going to make me a better person.

God is who I'm suppose to care about pleasing... and I do, and I don't?
Sometimes I focus on pleasing myself/finding pleasure in things.

I feel like I deserve it? Why? What have I done in my life to deserve pleasure?

Anyway...

My heart is hurting.
I feel so angry with Jeremy.
He went out... as the "DD" for Julia's birthday. I suppose he just wants me to hate him? :-(
I sort of am starting to, since he doesn't care at all.

I don't want to hate anyone. It hurts. I hurt.

After Loving You I Could Never Be The Same

~Tonight was windy...  Jeremy's car wouldn't start and I had to call a guy friend I work with and ask for a ride.  It took him a while to find my place, so I had some thinking time.

I stood, in the wind, let it wash over me... spread my fingers, which were mostly covered by my fingerless gloves, and let the wind rush between them.♥

I felt God romancing me.  I love when He does that.

Just now I was posting some pix on fb, and I was looking at some old pix... lol, not very old, two months...

I love my kids.

They're all special in their own ways...

Kheaven is God romancing me.  It may just be a baby thing, or maybe it's him.  :)
I love his smiles, and his laughs, and his noises, and his movements.  I love how most of the time he's healthy, even though it's not something I expect.  I love how smart he seems to me.  I love how much he reminds me of the other two kids.  He's quite wonderful in every way I can think of.  :)

He is definitely the definition of everything I never knew I always wanted.~

♥Thank you, God, for my kids.  Thank you for giving me them, before I even knew I wanted them...  Thanking for taking situations I ruined with my humanness and making something amazing as a result.  I know I am fighting You right now...  So much so that I can hardly pray for You to change my heart.  I love You.  I'm sorry I can't be the kind of servant You deserve sometimes...  all the time.  Thank you for your Grace and loving me still.♥

Now I'm Surprised...

I was going through and cutting and pasting old blogs from my livejournal to my blogger and I found THIS QUIZ.  I decided to take it again and see how five plus years has turned the table.  Personally I feel that I have grown and gotten better with time, but this dang quiz seems to be pointing at something different.  :-S

:-P

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

What's Your Full Name?	Amy Rose Green
What Do Your Friends Call You?	Amy, Aymish
When's Your Birthday?	2/21/1985
What's Your Favorite Number?	21
What Year Will/Did You Graduate High School?	2003
Are You Furthering/Or Planning To Further Your Education?	Yep
What Is Your Current/Dream Occupation?	Cashier/Photographer/Published Author
Do You Believe In God/The Possibility Of A God?	Yeah
What Are A Few Of Your Favorite Movies?	How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, What Dreams May Come, Hero
What Kind Of Music Do You Listen To Most Often?	Pop
What Would Make You Happier?	Having a car
What Are You Afraid Of?	Failure
What Is Your Biggest Weakness?	My Fears
Who Is/Are Your Hero(s)?  And Why?	People who stay positive in tough times/situations
What Is Your Best Physical Feature?	Eyes?
What Is Your Worst Physical Feature?	Nose
What Is The Best Part About Your Personality?	I'm nice!
What Is Your Biggest Personality Flaw?	I think I'm always right.
What Are Some Of Your Quirks?	I talk to much, I think I'm always right
What Really Bothers You?	Back stabbers
What Makes You Smile?	Feeling loved
What Attracts You To Someone?  (Friends and/or Love Interests)	Pheromones
What Is The Worst Thing That Another Person Has Done/Could Do To You?	Stab me in the back (metaphorically speaking)
What Is The Worst Thing That You Have Done To Another Person?	Been vengeful
Do You Have Any Questions You'd Like To Add?  What Are They?	Nah.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Singin'

"I'm thinking maybe, that I can't have relationships,
Cause lately, they're not making any sense.
And baby, you're the one thing on my mind,
That I can change any time..."

Alone

I feel alone, and without direction.
I talk to God, usually I hear him, right now, I hear him a little, maybe?  I don't think he wants me to be with Jeremy...  I don't think I want to be with Jeremy really.  But in my humanness I feel the need to make it work, to prove to myself that it can.  I feel like I need to be validated by human love.  I dislike that about myself.

I don't know how I'm going to make a life for myself and the kids by myself.  I know I'll have God, but I'm SO scared.  I know others have gone through worse, and I know that I'll make it, and maybe even come out better in the end...  I guess I just feel like I'm driving through the fog.  :-S