Invisible Mom

It's difficult to feel like an invisible person. Sometimes all that goes through my head is how I "should" feel, instead of how I actually feel... then my feelings are all jumbled. I feel hurt today. I was excluded, whether intentionally or not, from the graduation and graduation party of a child I have loved. I don't think there was any malice in my exclusion, but it hurt none-the-less. I had even made known prior that I was interested in attending, but instead of being invited and included I was treated as if though my role in this child's life was insignificant. Maybe my role was insignificant. However, his role in my life was not. This is a child that I thought I would one day call my own. Sure he'd have his birth parents, but I thought I might be a step/bonus. I looked forward to it. His dad and I are friends, his mom and I are friends, yet I was forgotten on one of the biggest days of his life thus far. It hurts. Today I hurt, again, because I was not thanked by the people whose children I am mothering. Maybe they don't like me. Although we get along enough when necessary, but I am still raising their kids. I do ALL that I can for someone who is a part of them. I feel invisible. I imagine responses about how it doesn't matter what those people do or don't do, and how the only people I have to do right by are my kids. It matters to me. Tomorrow is another day. There's no Hallmark Holiday attached. I'll move on, feeling slightly wounded. The world keeps spinning. I'll focus on my kids and the pain will lessen. I don't know that I'll feel any less invisible. The best thing I know to do to combat this feeling is to hopefully NEVER allow myself to let another mom feel this way because of me. Even if it's a mom that I have/have had qualms with. Even if I'm unsure of her role in my own kiddo(s) life, maybe I can be empathetic to the role my kid has had in hers. I want to be the change.

Base Fear

The root of most of my insecurities is that I'm stupid.. or wrong. The 'little voice' that prevents me from doing things or just infects parts of my life with questions and fear just says that I could be stupid. It's the worst thing that I could be, to me. It's the reason I don't like people, when I don't like them. It's the reason I like who I like. I like people who I think are smart/intelligent/witty. It's what I hate most about people treating me like a child. I'm not a child, so if you treat me like one, in a degrading way, you must think I'm stupid. When I am very upset with my children, very frustrated, I wonder if they are. I KNOW they're not, but that's the criticism that creeps into my mind. It's the reason I don't want to keep trying when things get tough. I've done that before, and it DIDN'T work and I felt stupid... so stupid, for trying. I don't want to be stupid like that again. I am facing my fear(s). I am... I want to say fighting them, but I'm not going to fight. I'm going to accept it/them. I'm going to use them to my benefit. I wish it was easy. I wish I didn't feel the way I do to begin with. I'm changing though.

Dudetrek

Had the opportunity, tonight, to meet and spend time with someone who is living out one of my dreams of walking across America. Ever since I read the book A Walk Across America by Peter Jenkins in high school, I have imagined it.

This guy, Jonah, is doing it! He started in Delaware and is headed to San Francisco.

This morning on my way into town Kris and I saw him walking with his HUGE backpack. Kris waved and Jonah gave us the peace sign. We wondered what he was up to/where he was headed/if he needed a ride. I saw him again on my way home later in the day, thought to myself he'd probably be hungry once he hit the little town I live in. Then, I forgot all about it. (This is normal for me.)

Anyway, it was such a nice day the kids and I walked down to the park. While we were there Jonah walked over to the park. I approached and asked his name. He gave me his business card and I asked him if he'd like to join the kids and I for an organic mac n' cheese with tuna dinner. He accepted. I asked him if he needed to phone anyone, I figured his phone probably didn't have service, because that's just the way most phones are in the area we live in. He called his mom and talked for a bit. I continued my time with the kids.

I knew he was going to journal about his day, and Austin had up to the point of us leaving the park pretty much talked Jonah's ear off. I decided to take the kids home, clean them up and start dinner prep. Before I left I gave Jonah directions to our home.

While he was around we conversed, he played his guitar and helped Kheaven and Nayeli to play some songs as well. Austin showed him some video games and gave him a few bandaids to take out on the road with him. We shared a piece of pie, because it is after all pie day, and that was that. It was fantastic hearing about why he's traveling, some of the adventures he's had, and some of his history. It was nice being able to share some of my story with him as well. Really glad we got to meet, sing songs, and share some Blueberry pie on Pi Day!

It was an experience to remember! :-D

Not there.

Within the past three months I have been reintroduced to the idea of Nayeli's father (step-mother and siblings) being in here life. I am happy that she will more than likely not recall a time she did not have contact with them. I think that's as it should be. While I am so very happy for her, that perhaps missing that part of her family (as in having no contact with them) will not be an issue, I am finding I have to 'deal' with some things/feelings I would really, really, really.. really, really rather not. Tonight Nayeli's step(or bonus, whichever works) mom posted a video of Nayeli's father helping his other daughter learn to walk. She's a precious little girl, and it was a cute video... mommy and daddy together. I liked it. I like parents being good parents. It warms my heart. I'm a comparer. I love finding pics and videos of Nayeli at her siblings ages and oohing at how much they looked alike or made the same sounds. I found a video of Nayeli walking. She was just barely starting... I saw her start from the entertainment area. Since normally it was me with the kids, even though Jeremy was around, she didn't have someone holding her hands, giving her security if she faltered. She had me cheering her on, gently calling to her, trying my best to be everything I could be for her. I still try. She told me a week or so ago, randomly, "I never met my dad." I said, "You've talked to him on the phone," and she replied, "Yeah, but I never seen him." I said, "You've seen him on Skype." She came back with, "But I never been by him." Then I stopped. She hasn't. I don't know when she will be. Sometimes it hurts so bad to have these precious children who I adore more than I can explain. I want to be there for them as much as they need. I'm just me though. There is so much I feel I can't do alone. I feel SO alone sometimes. Austin had to do a paper for school... 'If I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would use the money...' the last thing on his list was that he would use the money to give his dad freedom from jail every year if there was enough. I feel like a failure as a mom. How could I make these sweet little vessels of feelings and knowledge with people who weren't going to stick around? I know I didn't know they weren't going to stick around, but I feel like I should have.

It Can Be More

I am living my dream life... sort of. I am practice living my dream life? I am in love. Part of that love stems from the man I'm with and the love he shows/bestows upon me. He makes me feel more loved that I can ever remember being made to feel. Another part of my love for/of him is because of the person he is/I see him to be. He is a hard worker/reliable/strong. He is a great father. In spite of his children being split between him and his ex he makes sure to spend time with them whenever he can. During the summer months he was with them every day, and during the school year he visits them for lunch once a week, has them every weekend, and spends time with them when he's not working/they're not in school/they're awake. He is an active father. He plays, cuddles, jokes, watches movies, teaches lessons, feeds them well. He is as into natural foods/healthy living as I am. We have very similar if not THE SAME political beliefs. Our walks of faith are VERY similar. Physically speaking he has some things that I adore!.. Freckles!! Strawberry blond hair... Broad shoulders and a strong jaw. :) He has green eyes. He is ideal to/for me in so many ways. He sings me random songs... songs that I've loved for years.. that he has no idea about. We have so much in common/same love language/same vocabulary.. We have some of the same faults, like how we manage our finances and being slightly insecure. He is more mature than I am and he fascinates me. I think sometimes I fascinate him. The way he talks about loving me makes me feel incredible and his actions back it up. He says he's never felt about anyone how he feels for me, and this life experience with him is different in many ways than anything I've experienced before... but I have loved deeply before. I think it hurts him to an extent knowing this, but there's nothing I can do about past feelings. There are special things about him... like how he is EVERYTHING I want... and how can I let him know the difference that makes in the love... if it does. :-P I have been with people who weren't what I wanted in my own head, but after being with them and loving them I could see how it would have worked. Antonio and B are good examples. B and I were never officially together, David and I were never officially together... I grew to love Antonio the way I did over time. I believe I will grow to love Kris more and more with time as well... and the simplicity and complexity of our relationship is so beautiful. I know it can be more than anything ever was... perhaps more than anything else ever could have been. I just need time.

Vulnerability

I just had the best week of my life that I can remember and I find myself horrified. I am feeling things I didn't even realize I was missing... I am alive again and the thought that I could lose that/have it taken from me is enough to make me shake like a scared rabbit. It is no way to live. I HAVE been hurt, but if I don't open my mind to the possibility of something more than has ever been, nothing more will come.

Ache

Today is the day one of my favorite people was born 29 years ago. :)
He may be "the one who got away." I will never forget him or the fun times we had together. My heart aches thinking that I may never find someone that brings out "me" as much as he did. Happy birthday, B. I miss you.

Pardon my nostalgia. It's not just HIS birthday that's bringing on... I have been missing other people too, and have been sad in general. I'm sure I'll make it though.

Bored.

Not a word I generally have in my vocabulary.
After being a city dweller my entire life I moved to the country this past October.
The country is not what I find boring by any means.
It is full of life, new adventures, and people that seem like they could be straight from the book I will someday write.
I am bored with my photography.
Seems like a simple dilemma to solve, does it not?
Ever since I got my professional camera in May of 2010 it seems like a lot of my creativity was sucked right out of me!! (That is unless I have a cell phone camera, I still have brief moments of awesome with that.)
I see beauty. I see the unseen. I am just afraid to take risks. (With my camera)
Weird. I take risks and have taken risks with many things in life, so why should my photography be any different?
I know a lot of my energy goes to house keeping, kids and life in general, but being creative gives me energy for life... it doesn't take it.
It's like writer's block for photography..... I feel like I am lacking something. I don't know how to find it, but I may be on a mission.

Co-habitating

Well... the person I'm in love with, and who I've been in love with for over half a year now, sleeps in my house. :-P

He cooks... does the heavy cleaning, like scrubbing the shower, watches movies with me... tells me about how work went, asks my opinion about the future. He is moving in November, maybe early December, and according to his plans he won't be back here. Too much work for too little money. I can't say I blame him.

I love having him around. I love my lack of expectations. I get a hug a day, rarely have cuddles... but I feel so content, and happy even.

I DO NOT know how I will react once he leaves, but right now, my heart is full. There is little I desire in terms of attention, love. I feel most of those needs are being met... and now, because my quota for all "that stuff" is being met, I am focusing on my career as a photographer. I am focusing on getting my apartment how I've wanted it for years. I am focusing on being there for my kids and teaching them whatever it is they desire to learn. I am focusing on becoming a part of my community.

I am so completely at peace in the present, that the future doesn't seem scary. I don't feel like I have to plan ahead for a lot of things. I feel like if I do what I'm suppose to be doing right now, the rest will fall into place. It's amazing. I hope the strides I feel I've made as an individual in the past six months aren't for nothing when my love moves away. I really hope that, but instead of worrying about it, I'm just going to keep loving and growing as a person, and I'm going to enjoy each moment as it happens, and not worry about what comes next so much. :)

Oh Gosh

Misquoting a movie here, but...
Our hands fit!<3

I am very in love, and very eager to share that fact with people, but I know how I myself can judge when friends fall fast and hard for people. (I should really work on that.) So I'm waiting to share, but it has been so nice! I LOVE it!!

Not too much else I'm feeling the need to let out in blog form at this moment. :)
*Happy sigh.*

Huh...

I just found out Nayeli's father has orders to Japan... for three years. Seems like getting paternity done beforehand would be beneficial... He won't be around to see her til she's six and there's no way in hell she'll visit him in Japan unless I do too...

And then, this week Jeremy has two 2nd interviews, in person. One company is based out of OK, the other three hours away. So, Austin's dad is the only one I have to "deal" with... and he hasn't been keeping in touch as much lately the past three weeks again. I have feelings, but I'm not sure what they are.

He Loves Me

Saw this as a friends facebook update,

"Sometimes I wish God would just hit the pause button, split the sky wide open, reach down, pick me up, hold me in His arms & whisper "I love you" in my ear."

And I thought, that's how I feel when I hear my name. It's how I feel when my kids say they love me, or smile at me like I'm the most amazing person they've ever seen. It's how I feel when the wind is rushing past me... or I'm in a lake or river and water is going through the spaces between my fingers. It's how I feel when the rain is warm... when I see a shooting star... when I see fireflies. :)

There is so much more that makes me feel exactly like the "pause" button has been hit, the sky has been split open, I am being held by God, being told, and feeling, and knowing that He loves me.♥

Damnyouautocorrect

I'm still in the same clothes I had on at work yesterday. But laughter is the best medicine, right?

Wes Beavis, "Think the best of life and people, don't waste time thinking feeble. Make your mind behave the way of who you want to be one day. Think success before the fact. Let it shine through word and act. Visualize who you will be. Thinking shapes your destiny"

Cool quote, but what I really like is his name... Wes Beavis... Almost as cool as Wendy Wallace, Bear McReary, Hazel Oats and Mable Pickens.

12.8.10: She Wants to Touch Me

Besty watched the kidlings today while I did a photo shoot. Saw 30h!3 on my way home... The rest of the evening we talked about many things, one of them being, if we found the band, they would be ours. And we would be each other's. lol. :-P

12.9.10: "I look like I'm' dying..."

Besty came home grabbing her neck, saying she died. lol. Good times.

11.?.10: Great Big Kansas

There's nothing quite like driving around with a Besty at sunset. :)
We got some adorable pics and it was pretty good music and conversation as well. There are probably plenty of times like this that will forever be unmentioned, just b/c we've done it enough... It's special every time though. I'm glad I have someone to share it with me. :)

11.?.10: Drunk as %$&#

We know how to put it down!
Tonight we went to B&K and had a few... or five, at least, drinks.
I started with Patron while you while the besty used the bathroom... By the time she came back my face was numb and my arms were following.

A little bit later I was apparently making out with a guy "from" New Zealand.
Of course we had to go back home, and a certain ex-boyfriend was there... Not a good mix. I went temporarily insane and, of course, the besty took care of me. -Her and her loyal ways.- ;-)

Then we cuddled and fell asleep. ;-)

Still Here

I have been doing a lot of writing with pen and paper lately. It's not about my thoughts feeling safer there, it's about having a place that's just me. I write differently, sometimes, when I know people are reading. Lately I have just needed to have an uninhibited stream of conscious.

I have been processing a lot lately. One of the conclusions I've come to is that I feel I process too much. :-S I am always planning and analyzing... Generally I'm just over thinking EVERYTHING.

I'm sort of tired of it. I don't think it's bad to think things through and grow as a person but I sometimes thinking so much completely hinders me and doesn't allow me to grow. I'm too preoccupied with hypothetical futures that I can't enjoy the present a lot of times. :-S I miss out on things as well. I don't want to miss out on life.

I'm okay at living in the present with my children. I avoid my family for the most part, because they are always pressing me to think about the future, too much for my comfort. I am completely picky with my friend/friendships partially because I can have a hypothetical future in my head and run the course of a relationship with it... but also because of my over analytical mindset. I read into everything, and I'm not always willing to go to my friends to straighten out what may be a miscommunication. I take things as I see/interpret them, often become wounded, don't want to give people a chance to hurt me more, and then I move on.

Wow, I just fell asleep for a couple minutes while I was writing this... I don't think I'll get my stream of thought back...

Point though...
I am working on just living... Not analyzing as much... Not having to label everything or have everything mean something...
It will be insanely difficult, because everything does mean something to me... I don't know if it will get me where I want to be, or where I should be... If nothing else, maybe it will help me relax a little more in life.

Blank

I stay up as late as I can, pretty much doing nothing, aka fb and cleaning... then when I can't keep my eyes open I go to bed.

If I did it any other way I'd have to many thoughts and feelings that I just don't want to deal with.

I'm bottling things up, and I want to let them out in a safe, healthy way... but I'm too afraid to feel. :(