Still Here

I have been doing a lot of writing with pen and paper lately. It's not about my thoughts feeling safer there, it's about having a place that's just me. I write differently, sometimes, when I know people are reading. Lately I have just needed to have an uninhibited stream of conscious.

I have been processing a lot lately. One of the conclusions I've come to is that I feel I process too much. :-S I am always planning and analyzing... Generally I'm just over thinking EVERYTHING.

I'm sort of tired of it. I don't think it's bad to think things through and grow as a person but I sometimes thinking so much completely hinders me and doesn't allow me to grow. I'm too preoccupied with hypothetical futures that I can't enjoy the present a lot of times. :-S I miss out on things as well. I don't want to miss out on life.

I'm okay at living in the present with my children. I avoid my family for the most part, because they are always pressing me to think about the future, too much for my comfort. I am completely picky with my friend/friendships partially because I can have a hypothetical future in my head and run the course of a relationship with it... but also because of my over analytical mindset. I read into everything, and I'm not always willing to go to my friends to straighten out what may be a miscommunication. I take things as I see/interpret them, often become wounded, don't want to give people a chance to hurt me more, and then I move on.

Wow, I just fell asleep for a couple minutes while I was writing this... I don't think I'll get my stream of thought back...

Point though...
I am working on just living... Not analyzing as much... Not having to label everything or have everything mean something...
It will be insanely difficult, because everything does mean something to me... I don't know if it will get me where I want to be, or where I should be... If nothing else, maybe it will help me relax a little more in life.