Base Fear

The root of most of my insecurities is that I'm stupid.. or wrong. The 'little voice' that prevents me from doing things or just infects parts of my life with questions and fear just says that I could be stupid. It's the worst thing that I could be, to me. It's the reason I don't like people, when I don't like them. It's the reason I like who I like. I like people who I think are smart/intelligent/witty. It's what I hate most about people treating me like a child. I'm not a child, so if you treat me like one, in a degrading way, you must think I'm stupid. When I am very upset with my children, very frustrated, I wonder if they are. I KNOW they're not, but that's the criticism that creeps into my mind. It's the reason I don't want to keep trying when things get tough. I've done that before, and it DIDN'T work and I felt stupid... so stupid, for trying. I don't want to be stupid like that again. I am facing my fear(s). I am... I want to say fighting them, but I'm not going to fight. I'm going to accept it/them. I'm going to use them to my benefit. I wish it was easy. I wish I didn't feel the way I do to begin with. I'm changing though.