A Talk

Last night Jeremy and I had a talk and I actually told him a lot of the feelings I've been keeping from him. I keep them from him because I feel they are mean. I hate that I compare people I have dated. I hate some of the shallow feelings I seem to have. I feel that is something wrong with me and telling him will only hurt him and not actually help our situation.

Anyway, last night I talked and didn't feel any better, but today I felt sorry. I feel like I've been ungrateful and immature. I see a future with Jeremy. I think whatever funk I'm in is just a phase. I really need to just wait it out, and I think things will get better.

It is such a big adjustment for me being with someone who really cares and isn't just trying to smooth talk me, or keep me around for a short while. It is a big adjustment to be with someone I don't just look at as a "pick me up," or completely replaceable.

I need to go through these different phases of a real, healthy relationship to figure out what it's all about. I've never had this before and I need to learn. I am so glad after my little rants and odd thoughts/feelings that Jeremy still knows I love and care about him, and that it never seems to shake his feelings for me.



K, on a different note, there's a house down the street that is adorable and a nice price, in a good neighborhood... and I know Jeremy was interested in it before... The price went down $9,000 since this summer. I'm really hoping to have a house by the time Austin starts kindergarden. That's not for another year and a half/two years, but it's still something I'm eager for. We'll see if it goes anywhere.

A Jumble (Anger, Goals for '09, and Dawning)

I am so angry with Nayeli's father. I still feel really betrayed that he didn't share with me that he was getting married... that he hasn't shared with his family that he has a daughter... that he acted like he wanted to be involved and then just stopped everything.

I don't want to know he exists. I would leave myspace completely if I didn't have so many friends I keep in touch with on it... just because I don't want to be anywhere where he is. Facebook is private enough... but myspace is tempting. I know I could just never look at his profile, or his mothers... but I'm a curious person, no matter how much it may tick me off.

I feel torn because part of me wants people to know they're related to my precious little daughter, the other part of me just wants to know for sure whether or not he'll ever try to contact her... or what I should do if she ever wants to contact him. I don't want him missing for years and then all of a sudden trying to be around. I don't want to have to "share" her if he's not in it for the long haul.

What a jerk.





Okay, I was thinking goals was my next subject, but we'll talk about the "dawning" first. Last night when I went to bed Jeremy was curious about my mood. I still didn't know what I find "unattractive" about him. So I tried picturing a quality I find attractive. It is confidence. I asked Jeremy if he thinks he's confident and he asked why and I didn't really feel like letting on. Anyway, he said that since losing his higher position at the club he has felt a blow to his confidence. It is quite possible that is the situation. At the same time I miscarried he lost his position. I don't know how any of this gets fixed but it's nice to know that's a possible source.





I don't know that I really feel like going on about my 2009 goals right now, but I'll give it a shot.

I want to read, not neccessarily more, but as much as last year. It's something I enjoy, and learn from.

I don't want to yell as much.

I want to do more... The library, the park, the mall, mother's group... Anything.

I want to cook more/new things.

I want to take less pictures/more pictures of things that matter.

I want to be positive at work, and at home.

I want to start EVERY day with a prayer. (I'm doing well so far, although sometimes it is difficult. I don't know why...)

I want to stay in touch with old friends.

I want to create more... graphic art, drawing, writing, sewing and so on.

I want to be consistant. (at work, with the kids, with the cleaning.)

I want a new job/better job/better hours/more money.

I want to be confident that I can do anything I want.

I want to pay off debt.

I want to finish my divorce.

There might be more, but that's what comes to mind.

I'm out.

Life 1.5 Years Later (Almost)

Life is good. I have been in Salina, Kansas since August, have a nice job with good co-workers and I have a fantastic boyfriend! Sam and I are still going through our divorce. It would be so much easier if it was cheap, but it's not and I have to always put the kids needs first. I will be happy to close that chapter of my life once and for all though.

I had a beautiful baby girl, Nayeli Elizabeth, January 28th of this year. She is almost one and she's wonderful. Austin is great as well. The temporary order in the divorce gave me full physical and legal custody of him. His dad came to visit last July/August and then he pretty much stopped calling after that. The two have talked less than ten times in the past four months. Sam was in jail for two of those months and says he still probably has some time to serve due to his three DUIs between June 2007 and April 2008. All which were car accidents involving other people. Wisconsin Child Support is also going after because he has not paid any child support since it's been ordered and that was almost five months ago.

Nayeli's father isn't involved either. In September he asked if he could come see her and then I never heard from him again. He got married in October, I think.. I didn't even know he was seeing someone.

Jeremy, my boyfriend, loves the kids. We have dinners together as a family, we play and laugh and tickle and watch movies and do other things. He is always home when he's not working and he is kind and gentle. Never raises a hand, says a mean word, or drinks. I am very glad we are together and that he is a great emotional support for me. It's amazing but since getting out of some of the horrible situations I was in, in the past, I don't need much emotional support... I'm not nearly as emotional. Go figure. ;-)

Well anyway, Merry Chirstmas if you're reading this!

COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:
Dec. 28th, 2008 10:49 am (local)
I miss you. But I'm glad you're finally happy.

Letter Response

Samuel wrote me two letters from jail and wants a response for them. I don't want to belittle the step he took in begging for forgiveness, so basically I'm following the thumper rule. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

However... my blog... so, this is not something Sam will read, just for me, to let out how I feel.

I feel like his letter is using alcoholism as an excuse for everything he ever did. I feel like he said that I never mattered, our relationship was never real, ever, and while it's a relief he was like this before me it's irritating that I got taken along for the ride.

I feel like I can tell the letter had a format... I'm sure it's probably from one of the two books he said he was reading and the book probably told him to do it as part of the healing process. Again, not bad, I do things books tell me to, I just think it wasn't from a place of caring about me, it was from a place where he thought if he did it, it would help make him better. I guess that's what self help books are for. I'm too critical, but with everything I have gone through with having to do with Sam I need a little time with "the new" Sam to let my guard down enough to believe anything he says even a little bit.

He talked to Austin for a bit tonight and seemed very understanding of my wishes when he comes to visit in January, even though my wishes are definetely not what he wants. I hope that he doesn't try to manipulate me about the situation in the future.

I wish I didn't have to deal with Sam. I feel so much more at ease when I know he won't be contacting us. I feel a little bad that those are my feelings... I went through over a year of reading books on how to be a good wife and "win" my husband back and I TRIED sooo hard. I tried even after I myself goofed up, and I wanted things to work out. I put so much effort into it and it doesn't mean much when after things are completely broken he's telling me that he will always love me, even if he's not willing to let me hurt him again... like I'd actually give him that chance.

I need to go take deep breaths. I don't even like thinking about him.

Baby Fasha Drama

Some stuff on my mind lately...
Like how I don't want to deal with Sam or David. I understand Sam needing to be in Austin's life to an extent. We all lived together for a while. And if Sam gets better fine... until then supervised visitations is what it needs to be.

He owes me $3065 in back child support right now. I've been making it without it, but it would help... and I can't even imagine what we would do with it when we got it... probably save most of it. Maybe we'd eat a little more healthily.

As far as dealing with David goes... why? I know we'd get child support for Nayeli, and as long as he's in the military we'd have health insurance for her... but he hasn't showed much if any interest in over 10 months, and it wears me out, basically waiting for him to care.

I don't need his help.

Family members urge me to go after the guys, but it stresses me out... It's weird though, thinking if they did help... how it wouldn't be a struglge to make ends meet, they'd just meet... I'd have more time with the kiddos... I wouldn't need assiatance at all, not even for health care.

We'll see. We have everything we could want or need, other than health care... and hopefully that will come soon. :-)

Open

I have slight envy toward some of my friends. A couple of them seem to be so open in their blogs. I am open about events, and sometimes pain, but they seem to be open about things that I just don't know how to put into words. I wish I could put my thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams into words like they do. I know I should accept me for who I am, but I can't help but want to improve. Maybe improving doesn't mean being the way I want to be though. I should know that. Improving is being like God wants me to be and being okay with that.

I've been reading a lot lately and it seems like God is saying a lot through them. I think I've been improving my spiritual relationship more and more everyday. It's exciting and I hope it only continues to get better.