Letter Response

Samuel wrote me two letters from jail and wants a response for them. I don't want to belittle the step he took in begging for forgiveness, so basically I'm following the thumper rule. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

However... my blog... so, this is not something Sam will read, just for me, to let out how I feel.

I feel like his letter is using alcoholism as an excuse for everything he ever did. I feel like he said that I never mattered, our relationship was never real, ever, and while it's a relief he was like this before me it's irritating that I got taken along for the ride.

I feel like I can tell the letter had a format... I'm sure it's probably from one of the two books he said he was reading and the book probably told him to do it as part of the healing process. Again, not bad, I do things books tell me to, I just think it wasn't from a place of caring about me, it was from a place where he thought if he did it, it would help make him better. I guess that's what self help books are for. I'm too critical, but with everything I have gone through with having to do with Sam I need a little time with "the new" Sam to let my guard down enough to believe anything he says even a little bit.

He talked to Austin for a bit tonight and seemed very understanding of my wishes when he comes to visit in January, even though my wishes are definetely not what he wants. I hope that he doesn't try to manipulate me about the situation in the future.

I wish I didn't have to deal with Sam. I feel so much more at ease when I know he won't be contacting us. I feel a little bad that those are my feelings... I went through over a year of reading books on how to be a good wife and "win" my husband back and I TRIED sooo hard. I tried even after I myself goofed up, and I wanted things to work out. I put so much effort into it and it doesn't mean much when after things are completely broken he's telling me that he will always love me, even if he's not willing to let me hurt him again... like I'd actually give him that chance.

I need to go take deep breaths. I don't even like thinking about him.