Life is good. I have been in Salina, Kansas since August, have a nice job with good co-workers and I have a fantastic boyfriend! Sam and I are still going through our divorce. It would be so much easier if it was cheap, but it's not and I have to always put the kids needs first. I will be happy to close that chapter of my life once and for all though.
I had a beautiful baby girl, Nayeli Elizabeth, January 28th of this year. She is almost one and she's wonderful. Austin is great as well. The temporary order in the divorce gave me full physical and legal custody of him. His dad came to visit last July/August and then he pretty much stopped calling after that. The two have talked less than ten times in the past four months. Sam was in jail for two of those months and says he still probably has some time to serve due to his three DUIs between June 2007 and April 2008. All which were car accidents involving other people. Wisconsin Child Support is also going after because he has not paid any child support since it's been ordered and that was almost five months ago.
Nayeli's father isn't involved either. In September he asked if he could come see her and then I never heard from him again. He got married in October, I think.. I didn't even know he was seeing someone.
Jeremy, my boyfriend, loves the kids. We have dinners together as a family, we play and laugh and tickle and watch movies and do other things. He is always home when he's not working and he is kind and gentle. Never raises a hand, says a mean word, or drinks. I am very glad we are together and that he is a great emotional support for me. It's amazing but since getting out of some of the horrible situations I was in, in the past, I don't need much emotional support... I'm not nearly as emotional. Go figure. ;-)
Well anyway, Merry Chirstmas if you're reading this!
COMMENTS:
summer_mommy wrote:
Dec. 28th, 2008 10:49 am (local)
I miss you. But I'm glad you're finally happy.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Letter Response
Samuel wrote me two letters from jail and wants a response for them. I don't want to belittle the step he took in begging for forgiveness, so basically I'm following the thumper rule. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
However... my blog... so, this is not something Sam will read, just for me, to let out how I feel.
I feel like his letter is using alcoholism as an excuse for everything he ever did. I feel like he said that I never mattered, our relationship was never real, ever, and while it's a relief he was like this before me it's irritating that I got taken along for the ride.
I feel like I can tell the letter had a format... I'm sure it's probably from one of the two books he said he was reading and the book probably told him to do it as part of the healing process. Again, not bad, I do things books tell me to, I just think it wasn't from a place of caring about me, it was from a place where he thought if he did it, it would help make him better. I guess that's what self help books are for. I'm too critical, but with everything I have gone through with having to do with Sam I need a little time with "the new" Sam to let my guard down enough to believe anything he says even a little bit.
He talked to Austin for a bit tonight and seemed very understanding of my wishes when he comes to visit in January, even though my wishes are definetely not what he wants. I hope that he doesn't try to manipulate me about the situation in the future.
I wish I didn't have to deal with Sam. I feel so much more at ease when I know he won't be contacting us. I feel a little bad that those are my feelings... I went through over a year of reading books on how to be a good wife and "win" my husband back and I TRIED sooo hard. I tried even after I myself goofed up, and I wanted things to work out. I put so much effort into it and it doesn't mean much when after things are completely broken he's telling me that he will always love me, even if he's not willing to let me hurt him again... like I'd actually give him that chance.
I need to go take deep breaths. I don't even like thinking about him.
However... my blog... so, this is not something Sam will read, just for me, to let out how I feel.
I feel like his letter is using alcoholism as an excuse for everything he ever did. I feel like he said that I never mattered, our relationship was never real, ever, and while it's a relief he was like this before me it's irritating that I got taken along for the ride.
I feel like I can tell the letter had a format... I'm sure it's probably from one of the two books he said he was reading and the book probably told him to do it as part of the healing process. Again, not bad, I do things books tell me to, I just think it wasn't from a place of caring about me, it was from a place where he thought if he did it, it would help make him better. I guess that's what self help books are for. I'm too critical, but with everything I have gone through with having to do with Sam I need a little time with "the new" Sam to let my guard down enough to believe anything he says even a little bit.
He talked to Austin for a bit tonight and seemed very understanding of my wishes when he comes to visit in January, even though my wishes are definetely not what he wants. I hope that he doesn't try to manipulate me about the situation in the future.
I wish I didn't have to deal with Sam. I feel so much more at ease when I know he won't be contacting us. I feel a little bad that those are my feelings... I went through over a year of reading books on how to be a good wife and "win" my husband back and I TRIED sooo hard. I tried even after I myself goofed up, and I wanted things to work out. I put so much effort into it and it doesn't mean much when after things are completely broken he's telling me that he will always love me, even if he's not willing to let me hurt him again... like I'd actually give him that chance.
I need to go take deep breaths. I don't even like thinking about him.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Baby Fasha Drama
Some stuff on my mind lately...
Like how I don't want to deal with Sam or David. I understand Sam needing to be in Austin's life to an extent. We all lived together for a while. And if Sam gets better fine... until then supervised visitations is what it needs to be.
He owes me $3065 in back child support right now. I've been making it without it, but it would help... and I can't even imagine what we would do with it when we got it... probably save most of it. Maybe we'd eat a little more healthily.
As far as dealing with David goes... why? I know we'd get child support for Nayeli, and as long as he's in the military we'd have health insurance for her... but he hasn't showed much if any interest in over 10 months, and it wears me out, basically waiting for him to care.
I don't need his help.
Family members urge me to go after the guys, but it stresses me out... It's weird though, thinking if they did help... how it wouldn't be a struglge to make ends meet, they'd just meet... I'd have more time with the kiddos... I wouldn't need assiatance at all, not even for health care.
We'll see. We have everything we could want or need, other than health care... and hopefully that will come soon. :-)
Like how I don't want to deal with Sam or David. I understand Sam needing to be in Austin's life to an extent. We all lived together for a while. And if Sam gets better fine... until then supervised visitations is what it needs to be.
He owes me $3065 in back child support right now. I've been making it without it, but it would help... and I can't even imagine what we would do with it when we got it... probably save most of it. Maybe we'd eat a little more healthily.
As far as dealing with David goes... why? I know we'd get child support for Nayeli, and as long as he's in the military we'd have health insurance for her... but he hasn't showed much if any interest in over 10 months, and it wears me out, basically waiting for him to care.
I don't need his help.
Family members urge me to go after the guys, but it stresses me out... It's weird though, thinking if they did help... how it wouldn't be a struglge to make ends meet, they'd just meet... I'd have more time with the kiddos... I wouldn't need assiatance at all, not even for health care.
We'll see. We have everything we could want or need, other than health care... and hopefully that will come soon. :-)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Open
I have slight envy toward some of my friends. A couple of them seem to be so open in their blogs. I am open about events, and sometimes pain, but they seem to be open about things that I just don't know how to put into words. I wish I could put my thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams into words like they do. I know I should accept me for who I am, but I can't help but want to improve. Maybe improving doesn't mean being the way I want to be though. I should know that. Improving is being like God wants me to be and being okay with that.
I've been reading a lot lately and it seems like God is saying a lot through them. I think I've been improving my spiritual relationship more and more everyday. It's exciting and I hope it only continues to get better.
I've been reading a lot lately and it seems like God is saying a lot through them. I think I've been improving my spiritual relationship more and more everyday. It's exciting and I hope it only continues to get better.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Missing
I miss the baby I didn't get to know. Sometimes I feel like I may "mini-ly" obsess over it. (If anyone comes upon this blog "mini-ly" means a little... sort of, in amyspeak.)
I just don't really know how to deal with that I was excited and in baby-love. I know that there are reasons it happened and all that jazz, but I feel a loss. :-S
Not too often, but sometimes I think about what he/or she (since I assume it was a girl due to some of the crazy things that were happening to me hormonaly) would have looked like or acted like... and then I hear a name called at church or in the grocery store, and it's the name I chose for the baby who wasn't meant to be... and I chose the name to help me put a name to my grief and deal with it, but when I hear it I look and wonder if my baby might have been similar to the one who was just called. I smile though because I know if she had the chance she would have been awesome.
I'm okay.
Hopefully someday I'll get the chance to bring another wonderful being into the world. And I'm so glad for the two I get to fully enjoy right now. :-)
I just don't really know how to deal with that I was excited and in baby-love. I know that there are reasons it happened and all that jazz, but I feel a loss. :-S
Not too often, but sometimes I think about what he/or she (since I assume it was a girl due to some of the crazy things that were happening to me hormonaly) would have looked like or acted like... and then I hear a name called at church or in the grocery store, and it's the name I chose for the baby who wasn't meant to be... and I chose the name to help me put a name to my grief and deal with it, but when I hear it I look and wonder if my baby might have been similar to the one who was just called. I smile though because I know if she had the chance she would have been awesome.
I'm okay.
Hopefully someday I'll get the chance to bring another wonderful being into the world. And I'm so glad for the two I get to fully enjoy right now. :-)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Who Am I?
I was wondering to myself earlier, as I had a brief moment of alone time, "who am I?"
Really, what defines me? What makes me different?
Is it what I believe? Is it what I think? Is it who I think I am, how I perceive myself?
Then I thought, no.
I think who I, or who anyone is, is how one applies things that he/she has learned from experiences encountered.
Does that sound right?
I AM a Christian.
I AM a woman.
I AM a mother.
I AM a girlfriend.
I AM a daughter.
I am more than all of that too though.
I am ever changing. I think that everyone is. If we all stayed the same our entire lives and didn't learn or grow, wouldn't we be boring?
I think that's why it's hard to define one's self. At least it's difficult for me. I feel that I change a lot from day to day. I try to, strive to, it's one of my passions. To learn. And if who I am comes from the things I apply from what I've learned, it makes sense, to me...
So, who am I according to my definition of describing one's self.
I am a student. I like to think I never let the opportunity to learn slip away. I want to know all that I can about the things that interest me, or things that I need to know to help raise my children or play the role I desire to play in society.
I am nice. Maybe nicer than most, but from past experiences I have learned that being mean doesn't feel good and can make a lot of things worse than what they were to begin with, so I am nice.
I am a little hot-tempered. Unfortunately I have learned things that should have stopped this destructive personality trait, and while I have quelled my ill temperment, it is still there at times. I hope that throughout time I will not need more experiences teaching me to fix it, but that I can better apply what I learned from previous experiences and apply more self control so that it's not an issue.
Hmmm, that's still not the point I want to get across.
Is who I am how I act? Is it who I'm around? (Like the statement "you are who you hang with?") Is it how I feel?
I don't know. I guess it matters to me right now, because by figuring out who I am, a little better than how I know, I can figure out what direction to go in my life. I can develop more goals and become the best me possible.
Or I could just let God worry about that and go along for the ride...
That sounds like a good idea.
:-)
Really, what defines me? What makes me different?
Is it what I believe? Is it what I think? Is it who I think I am, how I perceive myself?
Then I thought, no.
I think who I, or who anyone is, is how one applies things that he/she has learned from experiences encountered.
Does that sound right?
I AM a Christian.
I AM a woman.
I AM a mother.
I AM a girlfriend.
I AM a daughter.
I am more than all of that too though.
I am ever changing. I think that everyone is. If we all stayed the same our entire lives and didn't learn or grow, wouldn't we be boring?
I think that's why it's hard to define one's self. At least it's difficult for me. I feel that I change a lot from day to day. I try to, strive to, it's one of my passions. To learn. And if who I am comes from the things I apply from what I've learned, it makes sense, to me...
So, who am I according to my definition of describing one's self.
I am a student. I like to think I never let the opportunity to learn slip away. I want to know all that I can about the things that interest me, or things that I need to know to help raise my children or play the role I desire to play in society.
I am nice. Maybe nicer than most, but from past experiences I have learned that being mean doesn't feel good and can make a lot of things worse than what they were to begin with, so I am nice.
I am a little hot-tempered. Unfortunately I have learned things that should have stopped this destructive personality trait, and while I have quelled my ill temperment, it is still there at times. I hope that throughout time I will not need more experiences teaching me to fix it, but that I can better apply what I learned from previous experiences and apply more self control so that it's not an issue.
Hmmm, that's still not the point I want to get across.
Is who I am how I act? Is it who I'm around? (Like the statement "you are who you hang with?") Is it how I feel?
I don't know. I guess it matters to me right now, because by figuring out who I am, a little better than how I know, I can figure out what direction to go in my life. I can develop more goals and become the best me possible.
Or I could just let God worry about that and go along for the ride...
That sounds like a good idea.
:-)
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