Base Fear

The root of most of my insecurities is that I'm stupid.. or wrong. The 'little voice' that prevents me from doing things or just infects parts of my life with questions and fear just says that I could be stupid. It's the worst thing that I could be, to me. It's the reason I don't like people, when I don't like them. It's the reason I like who I like. I like people who I think are smart/intelligent/witty. It's what I hate most about people treating me like a child. I'm not a child, so if you treat me like one, in a degrading way, you must think I'm stupid. When I am very upset with my children, very frustrated, I wonder if they are. I KNOW they're not, but that's the criticism that creeps into my mind. It's the reason I don't want to keep trying when things get tough. I've done that before, and it DIDN'T work and I felt stupid... so stupid, for trying. I don't want to be stupid like that again. I am facing my fear(s). I am... I want to say fighting them, but I'm not going to fight. I'm going to accept it/them. I'm going to use them to my benefit. I wish it was easy. I wish I didn't feel the way I do to begin with. I'm changing though.

Dudetrek

Had the opportunity, tonight, to meet and spend time with someone who is living out one of my dreams of walking across America. Ever since I read the book A Walk Across America by Peter Jenkins in high school, I have imagined it.

This guy, Jonah, is doing it! He started in Delaware and is headed to San Francisco.

This morning on my way into town Kris and I saw him walking with his HUGE backpack. Kris waved and Jonah gave us the peace sign. We wondered what he was up to/where he was headed/if he needed a ride. I saw him again on my way home later in the day, thought to myself he'd probably be hungry once he hit the little town I live in. Then, I forgot all about it. (This is normal for me.)

Anyway, it was such a nice day the kids and I walked down to the park. While we were there Jonah walked over to the park. I approached and asked his name. He gave me his business card and I asked him if he'd like to join the kids and I for an organic mac n' cheese with tuna dinner. He accepted. I asked him if he needed to phone anyone, I figured his phone probably didn't have service, because that's just the way most phones are in the area we live in. He called his mom and talked for a bit. I continued my time with the kids.

I knew he was going to journal about his day, and Austin had up to the point of us leaving the park pretty much talked Jonah's ear off. I decided to take the kids home, clean them up and start dinner prep. Before I left I gave Jonah directions to our home.

While he was around we conversed, he played his guitar and helped Kheaven and Nayeli to play some songs as well. Austin showed him some video games and gave him a few bandaids to take out on the road with him. We shared a piece of pie, because it is after all pie day, and that was that. It was fantastic hearing about why he's traveling, some of the adventures he's had, and some of his history. It was nice being able to share some of my story with him as well. Really glad we got to meet, sing songs, and share some Blueberry pie on Pi Day!

It was an experience to remember! :-D

Not there.

Within the past three months I have been reintroduced to the idea of Nayeli's father (step-mother and siblings) being in here life. I am happy that she will more than likely not recall a time she did not have contact with them. I think that's as it should be. While I am so very happy for her, that perhaps missing that part of her family (as in having no contact with them) will not be an issue, I am finding I have to 'deal' with some things/feelings I would really, really, really.. really, really rather not. Tonight Nayeli's step(or bonus, whichever works) mom posted a video of Nayeli's father helping his other daughter learn to walk. She's a precious little girl, and it was a cute video... mommy and daddy together. I liked it. I like parents being good parents. It warms my heart. I'm a comparer. I love finding pics and videos of Nayeli at her siblings ages and oohing at how much they looked alike or made the same sounds. I found a video of Nayeli walking. She was just barely starting... I saw her start from the entertainment area. Since normally it was me with the kids, even though Jeremy was around, she didn't have someone holding her hands, giving her security if she faltered. She had me cheering her on, gently calling to her, trying my best to be everything I could be for her. I still try. She told me a week or so ago, randomly, "I never met my dad." I said, "You've talked to him on the phone," and she replied, "Yeah, but I never seen him." I said, "You've seen him on Skype." She came back with, "But I never been by him." Then I stopped. She hasn't. I don't know when she will be. Sometimes it hurts so bad to have these precious children who I adore more than I can explain. I want to be there for them as much as they need. I'm just me though. There is so much I feel I can't do alone. I feel SO alone sometimes. Austin had to do a paper for school... 'If I found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I would use the money...' the last thing on his list was that he would use the money to give his dad freedom from jail every year if there was enough. I feel like a failure as a mom. How could I make these sweet little vessels of feelings and knowledge with people who weren't going to stick around? I know I didn't know they weren't going to stick around, but I feel like I should have.

It Can Be More

I am living my dream life... sort of. I am practice living my dream life? I am in love. Part of that love stems from the man I'm with and the love he shows/bestows upon me. He makes me feel more loved that I can ever remember being made to feel. Another part of my love for/of him is because of the person he is/I see him to be. He is a hard worker/reliable/strong. He is a great father. In spite of his children being split between him and his ex he makes sure to spend time with them whenever he can. During the summer months he was with them every day, and during the school year he visits them for lunch once a week, has them every weekend, and spends time with them when he's not working/they're not in school/they're awake. He is an active father. He plays, cuddles, jokes, watches movies, teaches lessons, feeds them well. He is as into natural foods/healthy living as I am. We have very similar if not THE SAME political beliefs. Our walks of faith are VERY similar. Physically speaking he has some things that I adore!.. Freckles!! Strawberry blond hair... Broad shoulders and a strong jaw. :) He has green eyes. He is ideal to/for me in so many ways. He sings me random songs... songs that I've loved for years.. that he has no idea about. We have so much in common/same love language/same vocabulary.. We have some of the same faults, like how we manage our finances and being slightly insecure. He is more mature than I am and he fascinates me. I think sometimes I fascinate him. The way he talks about loving me makes me feel incredible and his actions back it up. He says he's never felt about anyone how he feels for me, and this life experience with him is different in many ways than anything I've experienced before... but I have loved deeply before. I think it hurts him to an extent knowing this, but there's nothing I can do about past feelings. There are special things about him... like how he is EVERYTHING I want... and how can I let him know the difference that makes in the love... if it does. :-P I have been with people who weren't what I wanted in my own head, but after being with them and loving them I could see how it would have worked. Antonio and B are good examples. B and I were never officially together, David and I were never officially together... I grew to love Antonio the way I did over time. I believe I will grow to love Kris more and more with time as well... and the simplicity and complexity of our relationship is so beautiful. I know it can be more than anything ever was... perhaps more than anything else ever could have been. I just need time.

Vulnerability

I just had the best week of my life that I can remember and I find myself horrified. I am feeling things I didn't even realize I was missing... I am alive again and the thought that I could lose that/have it taken from me is enough to make me shake like a scared rabbit. It is no way to live. I HAVE been hurt, but if I don't open my mind to the possibility of something more than has ever been, nothing more will come.

Ache

Today is the day one of my favorite people was born 29 years ago. :)
He may be "the one who got away." I will never forget him or the fun times we had together. My heart aches thinking that I may never find someone that brings out "me" as much as he did. Happy birthday, B. I miss you.

Pardon my nostalgia. It's not just HIS birthday that's bringing on... I have been missing other people too, and have been sad in general. I'm sure I'll make it though.

Bored.

Not a word I generally have in my vocabulary.
After being a city dweller my entire life I moved to the country this past October.
The country is not what I find boring by any means.
It is full of life, new adventures, and people that seem like they could be straight from the book I will someday write.
I am bored with my photography.
Seems like a simple dilemma to solve, does it not?
Ever since I got my professional camera in May of 2010 it seems like a lot of my creativity was sucked right out of me!! (That is unless I have a cell phone camera, I still have brief moments of awesome with that.)
I see beauty. I see the unseen. I am just afraid to take risks. (With my camera)
Weird. I take risks and have taken risks with many things in life, so why should my photography be any different?
I know a lot of my energy goes to house keeping, kids and life in general, but being creative gives me energy for life... it doesn't take it.
It's like writer's block for photography..... I feel like I am lacking something. I don't know how to find it, but I may be on a mission.