Alone

I feel alone, and without direction.
I talk to God, usually I hear him, right now, I hear him a little, maybe?  I don't think he wants me to be with Jeremy...  I don't think I want to be with Jeremy really.  But in my humanness I feel the need to make it work, to prove to myself that it can.  I feel like I need to be validated by human love.  I dislike that about myself.

I don't know how I'm going to make a life for myself and the kids by myself.  I know I'll have God, but I'm SO scared.  I know others have gone through worse, and I know that I'll make it, and maybe even come out better in the end...  I guess I just feel like I'm driving through the fog.  :-S

I Just Can't

I feel like I have been fighting tooth and nail to hold Jeremy and myself together, and it's getting to the point where there is nothing for me to grasp for.  He seems to be distancing himself MORE now, if that's possible and it's crushing me!

A sad thing, to me, is that it's not crushing me that I may lose Jeremy.  I don't know that we've ever been that close and I don't think that I'll really miss him to much.  I am very sad that my kids will lose him.  I hate to take away another dad from Austin...  I hate to think about what I'll lose without having another body around.  I hate thinking about being alone, without any close friends here in Kansas, but I don't think it's right to just move away either.  I have acquaintances here anyway.

I have taken down the four pictures we were in together...  I have a list of things that need to be done for me to start being on my own, with three kids...  We have discussed childcare arrangements for as long as he's still in Salina.  We have discussed tax return issues.  He seems more willing to talk about and give me solid answers when it comes to the process of me leaving him than he does about fixing things to move on in life together.

I'm scared and angry.

I feel alone, like I can't tell anyone I'm close to because I'm afraid they'll tell me I've failed or look down on me.  I fear this the most from my family.

I hope I'm alright...
I hope life gets better.

Is the Past Repeating Itself?

I'm still in the process of moving all of my blogs to blogger and during this process I get to read over four years of a completely unhealthy relationship.  I came upon THIS and can't help but notice how that is EXACTLY how I feel in my relationship with Jeremy right now.  :-(  He sleeps for 12-14 hours a day, or he goes to bed just a couple hours before I wake up and then sleeps until he has to go to work.  He plays video games or watches shows when he's not sleeping or working.  Once in a while I like the shows he's watching... so...  Two hours and fifteen minutes a week were doing something together...  Otherwise I get nothing.  He does try to hug and kiss me before he goes to work, but when that's ALL I get I can't help but wanting more.  No sex for three months... and honestly less than ten times in two years...  What is this?

I can't stand the thought of splitting up my family.  I have so many hopes, dreams, desires based around a stable, cohesive family but I've been so sad and upset about my relationship with Jeremy lately that it's hard to function. I wish there was an easy answer.  I wish Jeremy listened to my "cries for help" and made an effort to change.  I wish he could see his addiction and that it negatively impacts those "closest" to him.  :-(

Venting

I'm sick of people.

I'm sick of trusting and being let down.

I'm sick of thinking I'm past being naive and being let down again.

I miss Bri.  I miss Danielle.  I miss knowing they were there emotionally AND physically.  (like, in person)  I miss boyfriends that knew how to make me feel wanted.  Maybe they were players... maybe they ended up breaking my heart (with help from me of course) but it was nice to feel wanted.

I'm glad I have the kids.

I'm glad I enjoy them.

I'm glad I have the time to enjoy them.

Someday they may let me down in ways, but I hope that I don't see it that way when it happens.

Too Much?

Homeschooling Austin, potty-training Nayeli, and Kheaven having more appointments in a month than my other kids have had in their life is a LOT of work.  It's not easy.  It's rewarding though.  I hope my parenting and attitude is an inspiration to others, but more so I hope that it glorifies God and makes Him happy.

Idge

I miss having nicknames.  I miss making up hypothetical futures.  I want someone who's as alert as I am, who has the same fervor for life.  I won't give up what the kids and I have though.  I want the best for them, therefore; I have to choose the path that leads to whats best for them.  As far as my desires are concerned I feel like I have to suck it up and move on.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I need to focus on that.  Sure I'll miss some things, but there are plenty of bad things I'm missing out on too.

NDSSW Picnic and Wichita Trip

MulVANE
don't say WI in Emily's car
looking at pictures in Belle Plain
finding our way to Derby/crossing county line/directions from a man mowing his lawn/following Grandma Glora
The Picnic
Cold Stone
Dillons
Clouds on the way home
Wheat gum
Awesome sunset
Storm