I believe that everything has a purpose and everybody has a place in this world. I think that we could learn something from every person we come in contact with if we're willing to listen. God's plan is far beyond anything we could ever plan for ourselves, so why not put your trust in the one who will lead you in the way everlasting?? Try today to impact someone for the greater. Try to listen more, love all, smile often, appreciate the smallest things in your life and abide in the truth. "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him." ~1 Cor. 1:9
I'd like to meet artistic people who will inspire me, help me to discover new things. Music lovers. People who know what they are. I wanna see that the world is full of folks that truly believe in respect and tolerance and kindness. I wanna know people that are open-minded, curious. I want to see smiles, and want to hear laugh. I want people who share. I like unusual things.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New King James Version)
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Holy Sickness Batman!
Omigosh am I ever so miserable. :-S I have felt soooooo sick today. I'm hoping it's a good thing, as in morning sickness, as in I'm still pregnant, but man is it icky! I had the second lab done today... They called me with the results but I was sleeping and they don't disclose that kind of info over the phone. So, in about 8 hours I should know. My first lab showed that my hcg levels are where they should be for how far along I think I am.
I am tired and hungry but I can't eat because I'll vomit and I can't lay down, because I'll vomit. I dunno what I'm gonna do. :-P I will be happy if I'm still healthily pregnant though. If I'm not and still vomiting, then I'll be upset.
Okey dokey, all for now, I'll update again soon.
I am tired and hungry but I can't eat because I'll vomit and I can't lay down, because I'll vomit. I dunno what I'm gonna do. :-P I will be happy if I'm still healthily pregnant though. If I'm not and still vomiting, then I'll be upset.
Okey dokey, all for now, I'll update again soon.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Doc
My doctor prayed with me. Ya know, it's a sad thing that doesn't happen more often, but it was great. He seems like a super genuine kind of person. We last spoke in October and he remember various facts about me, that I'm pretty sure he didn't take notes of or anything. It made me feel valued as a human.
On another note about the doc. He is the first young doctor I have ever had. I'm used to old men about to retire. It was a bit akward for me.
So, my hcg levels were tested today and I'm going back on Wednesday when hopefully I will find out that they're higher... Hopefully.
When we prayed the doc asked that I lay it at God's feet. I'm trying. I want to trust that everything will be okay and to know that God is always doing what's best for me/the world... It's hard when my will is so dang stubborn though. Hopefully I make it through everything okay, no matter the outcome.
On another note about the doc. He is the first young doctor I have ever had. I'm used to old men about to retire. It was a bit akward for me.
So, my hcg levels were tested today and I'm going back on Wednesday when hopefully I will find out that they're higher... Hopefully.
When we prayed the doc asked that I lay it at God's feet. I'm trying. I want to trust that everything will be okay and to know that God is always doing what's best for me/the world... It's hard when my will is so dang stubborn though. Hopefully I make it through everything okay, no matter the outcome.
Scared
I woke up this morning to find that I'm spotting. :-S I was just starting to get excited that I am further along now than I was when I miscarried Avery... but technically, I still have 1.5 weeks til I'm as far along as when I found out I miscarried. (I started bleeding at 10 weeks but the embryo was only 6 weeks along. :-S) I want to be positive, I want to keep hope enough that if I'm not miscarrying I don't stress myself into miscarrying. I don't want to miscarry again! It hurts! I was told last summer when the doctor was trying to rid me of my pre-cancerous cells that the procedure would reduce my chances of carrying a baby to term, but I had no choice... cancer or no cancer... Duh, right? But I'm so angry with myself. People, websites, doctors say miscarriage is because the pregnancy wasn't developing the right way, but mine is because my cervix sucks because I got HPV because I was a bit to permiscuous in my day. God forgives me but I still have to live out the consequences of my behavior. It hurts. It hurts so much. :-(
I was reading a lot of things about miscarriage and people who didn't miscarry but bled and cramped and whatnot. 1/5 pregnancy is a miscarriage... If I'm miscarry I'm at 2/4. I don't want that, and there's nothing I can do to stop it if that's the way it is. Thankfully this time I have some health insurance to cushion the blow of doctor's bills. I'm grateful for that.
My doctor's app. is at 3:30. Then maybe I'll here a heartbeat or see a heartbeat... or maybe I won't. I hope I do. :-(
I was reading a lot of things about miscarriage and people who didn't miscarry but bled and cramped and whatnot. 1/5 pregnancy is a miscarriage... If I'm miscarry I'm at 2/4. I don't want that, and there's nothing I can do to stop it if that's the way it is. Thankfully this time I have some health insurance to cushion the blow of doctor's bills. I'm grateful for that.
My doctor's app. is at 3:30. Then maybe I'll here a heartbeat or see a heartbeat... or maybe I won't. I hope I do. :-(
Saturday, February 21, 2009
People are GREAT! (Until you get to know them.)
Okay, it's a pessimistic way of thinking, BUT, it's sort of true for me. I'm a bit picky about people I keep in my life... okay, a LOT picky. But some people manage to slip through the cracks and make an impact on me, and remain people I look up to and even like.
I was thinking about a particular friend, who is actually my most long term friend that I still keep in touch with and like/respect and all that jazz. I was thinking about what made is so I kept an admiration for him these past 12 years. It's a bit sad to say that it's probably not that he's a bit of a genius, or that he was a teacher of sorts for me, or even that I at one point found him very attractive. Nope, admirable qualities, but not why I think I still am fond of him at all when you get right down to the point. I think he's probably still a part of my life because I don't know him very well. I never hung out with him outside of a class type enviornment. As an young adult and throughout some of my adult years I've had IM conversations with him about this and that, where I did get to know some parts of him. But, being a closed off male, as most men I seem to meet and interact with are, I know very little about the way he thinks or how he feels. He is very opinionated and has blogs with his opinions, many of which I don't agree with. That's as close to knowing him as I think I'll ever get. Sadly, I think if I ever got to know more, I may not like him. I enjoy the role he's had in my life, and the tiny roll he still plays, I don't want to ruin that, so I won't try to get to know him any harder than I've ever tried.
I have a co-worker. He's a fascinating person. Very interesting. Surprising. We're almost like friends I guess. I was starting to get to know him a little, on a healthy level for someone who is dating someone else to get to know someone. I was enjoying the balance of having a male friend and a boyfriend and having no boundries crossed. I was thinking about how I admire him and why... It's because he seems to know things, and I find that intriguing. I'm a curious person, I like to learn about other people. Recently, our communication has dwindled. I don't feel a huge loss here, but I am let down... To me, it is showing me that he is a bit unreliable, or at least not the kind of friend who is good at "two-way" friendships... ya know, the type of friendships where both people make an effort to be friends equally. I know there's a wax and wane of that, obviously things come up and sometimes one friend needs to try harder til the other friend comes around again, but we weren't at that kind of friendship yet. It's a little more proof that I thought he was great, til I started to get to know him better and see a different side to him.
The same is true for my ex's... which is why they are my ex's. It's true for friends I've lost touch with and have no interest of getting back in touch with. They were great, or at least good at one point, until I found parts of them that were much to incompatible with me and how I am.
By all this I'm not saying I'm great or the best by any means. I have let people down in the past in extreme ways. Sometimes those ways were materalized by the people, in my opinion, but I fueled the fire.
There are a few people, who, despite my differences with them, I love. Major differences are religion, more slight is politics and on a small scale is distance. Distance is the worst difference I'm facing right now... the only wedge I feel between myself and those closest to me. (haha... obviously not geographically, but in my heart.)
(Sorry Nicole, gonna copy your list thing here.)
People who have influenced me, who still influence me, in a positive way: (Listed by length of time influencing, not including family)
Jason - 12 years
Emily - 11 years
Katie - 3 years
Bri - 3 years
Danielle - 2.5 years
Nicole - 1.5 years
People who I love, who might influence me if we lived on the same plane, who I wish I was still close with:
Jen - age 13-17
Natasha - age 13-17
Renee - age 14-18
Jared - age 15-23
Kathy - age 17-21
Phillip - age 21-23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
Jenny - age 17-18/23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
People who helped me figure out who I was and helped me get through a very rough time in my life:
Jessica
Alicia
Rocco
Shannon
Rick
Rachel
Jennifer
Ali
Matthew
Weston
Bernardo
Russell
Joe
Kevin
Amanda
Alisha
David G.
David H.
Surprisingly there are more people that have influenced me, but these are the biggies, the ones I think about on a fairly regular basis, the ones I sometimes pine for, because they brought a lot into my life! I am so blessed to have met and befriended so many amazing people.
Jeremy's not on any lists right now because I'm still learning about him. He dissapoints me all the time. It sounds so harsh, but I'm trying to learn who I am in a healthy relationship while learning who he is and sometimes he's not what I expect and he's definetely not what I'm used to. And it's difficult because I don't have any close friends where we live and I think it's ridiculous to try and get all of my emotional needs met by one person, a guy non the less. ;-) I'm glad I've got him and I'm glad he is patient with me, as I am with him... and I'm hoping for the best, cuz what else can I do. ;-) Life has been a whole lot better since Jeremy than it was before on many different levels. The only drama there ever really is is the past haunting me. :-S Trying to work past that.
I was thinking about a particular friend, who is actually my most long term friend that I still keep in touch with and like/respect and all that jazz. I was thinking about what made is so I kept an admiration for him these past 12 years. It's a bit sad to say that it's probably not that he's a bit of a genius, or that he was a teacher of sorts for me, or even that I at one point found him very attractive. Nope, admirable qualities, but not why I think I still am fond of him at all when you get right down to the point. I think he's probably still a part of my life because I don't know him very well. I never hung out with him outside of a class type enviornment. As an young adult and throughout some of my adult years I've had IM conversations with him about this and that, where I did get to know some parts of him. But, being a closed off male, as most men I seem to meet and interact with are, I know very little about the way he thinks or how he feels. He is very opinionated and has blogs with his opinions, many of which I don't agree with. That's as close to knowing him as I think I'll ever get. Sadly, I think if I ever got to know more, I may not like him. I enjoy the role he's had in my life, and the tiny roll he still plays, I don't want to ruin that, so I won't try to get to know him any harder than I've ever tried.
I have a co-worker. He's a fascinating person. Very interesting. Surprising. We're almost like friends I guess. I was starting to get to know him a little, on a healthy level for someone who is dating someone else to get to know someone. I was enjoying the balance of having a male friend and a boyfriend and having no boundries crossed. I was thinking about how I admire him and why... It's because he seems to know things, and I find that intriguing. I'm a curious person, I like to learn about other people. Recently, our communication has dwindled. I don't feel a huge loss here, but I am let down... To me, it is showing me that he is a bit unreliable, or at least not the kind of friend who is good at "two-way" friendships... ya know, the type of friendships where both people make an effort to be friends equally. I know there's a wax and wane of that, obviously things come up and sometimes one friend needs to try harder til the other friend comes around again, but we weren't at that kind of friendship yet. It's a little more proof that I thought he was great, til I started to get to know him better and see a different side to him.
The same is true for my ex's... which is why they are my ex's. It's true for friends I've lost touch with and have no interest of getting back in touch with. They were great, or at least good at one point, until I found parts of them that were much to incompatible with me and how I am.
By all this I'm not saying I'm great or the best by any means. I have let people down in the past in extreme ways. Sometimes those ways were materalized by the people, in my opinion, but I fueled the fire.
There are a few people, who, despite my differences with them, I love. Major differences are religion, more slight is politics and on a small scale is distance. Distance is the worst difference I'm facing right now... the only wedge I feel between myself and those closest to me. (haha... obviously not geographically, but in my heart.)
(Sorry Nicole, gonna copy your list thing here.)
People who have influenced me, who still influence me, in a positive way: (Listed by length of time influencing, not including family)
Jason - 12 years
Emily - 11 years
Katie - 3 years
Bri - 3 years
Danielle - 2.5 years
Nicole - 1.5 years
People who I love, who might influence me if we lived on the same plane, who I wish I was still close with:
Jen - age 13-17
Natasha - age 13-17
Renee - age 14-18
Jared - age 15-23
Kathy - age 17-21
Phillip - age 21-23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
Jenny - age 17-18/23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
People who helped me figure out who I was and helped me get through a very rough time in my life:
Jessica
Alicia
Rocco
Shannon
Rick
Rachel
Jennifer
Ali
Matthew
Weston
Bernardo
Russell
Joe
Kevin
Amanda
Alisha
David G.
David H.
Surprisingly there are more people that have influenced me, but these are the biggies, the ones I think about on a fairly regular basis, the ones I sometimes pine for, because they brought a lot into my life! I am so blessed to have met and befriended so many amazing people.
Jeremy's not on any lists right now because I'm still learning about him. He dissapoints me all the time. It sounds so harsh, but I'm trying to learn who I am in a healthy relationship while learning who he is and sometimes he's not what I expect and he's definetely not what I'm used to. And it's difficult because I don't have any close friends where we live and I think it's ridiculous to try and get all of my emotional needs met by one person, a guy non the less. ;-) I'm glad I've got him and I'm glad he is patient with me, as I am with him... and I'm hoping for the best, cuz what else can I do. ;-) Life has been a whole lot better since Jeremy than it was before on many different levels. The only drama there ever really is is the past haunting me. :-S Trying to work past that.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Cardboard and Fingernails
So, other than the past three hours I have nauseous for the past five days, at least! I missed half my shift yesterday because I couldn't fall asleep when I tried to fall asleep, and then when I got to work I threw up within an hour. I also three up right after waking up today. It feels like I'm always eating or drinking something and I am peeing all the time as well.
That being said I'm pretty psyched about it. I have plans to go see a doctor for a prenatal visit after I get back from CA.
Oooh, I'm so excited about going! March 16-31. I get to go somewhere warm and green and I get to see my nieces! and Gary and Barbara. Yay!!
Okay, I've gotta go, Charmed is on and I get to cuddle with Jeremy. :)
LoL, oh yeah, my subject title... Cardboard and fingernails make me super nauseous. It's actually pretty funny except I want to throw up. :-P
That being said I'm pretty psyched about it. I have plans to go see a doctor for a prenatal visit after I get back from CA.
Oooh, I'm so excited about going! March 16-31. I get to go somewhere warm and green and I get to see my nieces! and Gary and Barbara. Yay!!
Okay, I've gotta go, Charmed is on and I get to cuddle with Jeremy. :)
LoL, oh yeah, my subject title... Cardboard and fingernails make me super nauseous. It's actually pretty funny except I want to throw up. :-P
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Blind sided
I got hit on today at work. Marjorly hit on. I'm not used to that. First I was flattered, a little embarrassed, slightly amused, a tad uncomfortable, then a tiny bit confused, sort of frustrated, maybe irritated, and ever so slightly worried. It was one of my co-workers, happens to be in the army reserves. New to me, b/c he had just been over seas. Like I said, it was nice at first to be noticed. Then it just became bothersome because it's sooo easy not to notice other people for me, but when I'm noticed then I tend to notice.
The end result, anyway, was that I am So grateful that I am with a man like Jeremy. I would hate to be the wife of this guy. Granted, she may not know the way he came across to me, but I am pretty confident Jeremy is not that kind of guy, and that is AmaZing and a HUGE comfort.
The bad part though, is that I loved the attention. He definetely "gave" me something Jeremy doesn't. Or at least he gave it to me in a way Jeremy doesn't. It was just that feeling of being wanted. Jeremy loves me, and I "know" it. Jeremy obviously wants me from time to time or we would probably never have sex.
Anyway, I sort of wish he acted more attracted to me sometimes. In a sexy way, not an annoying, bothersome way. Either way he's great... we'll have time to figure each other out.
The end result, anyway, was that I am So grateful that I am with a man like Jeremy. I would hate to be the wife of this guy. Granted, she may not know the way he came across to me, but I am pretty confident Jeremy is not that kind of guy, and that is AmaZing and a HUGE comfort.
The bad part though, is that I loved the attention. He definetely "gave" me something Jeremy doesn't. Or at least he gave it to me in a way Jeremy doesn't. It was just that feeling of being wanted. Jeremy loves me, and I "know" it. Jeremy obviously wants me from time to time or we would probably never have sex.
Anyway, I sort of wish he acted more attracted to me sometimes. In a sexy way, not an annoying, bothersome way. Either way he's great... we'll have time to figure each other out.
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