People are GREAT! (Until you get to know them.)

Okay, it's a pessimistic way of thinking, BUT, it's sort of true for me. I'm a bit picky about people I keep in my life... okay, a LOT picky. But some people manage to slip through the cracks and make an impact on me, and remain people I look up to and even like.

I was thinking about a particular friend, who is actually my most long term friend that I still keep in touch with and like/respect and all that jazz. I was thinking about what made is so I kept an admiration for him these past 12 years. It's a bit sad to say that it's probably not that he's a bit of a genius, or that he was a teacher of sorts for me, or even that I at one point found him very attractive. Nope, admirable qualities, but not why I think I still am fond of him at all when you get right down to the point. I think he's probably still a part of my life because I don't know him very well. I never hung out with him outside of a class type enviornment. As an young adult and throughout some of my adult years I've had IM conversations with him about this and that, where I did get to know some parts of him. But, being a closed off male, as most men I seem to meet and interact with are, I know very little about the way he thinks or how he feels. He is very opinionated and has blogs with his opinions, many of which I don't agree with. That's as close to knowing him as I think I'll ever get. Sadly, I think if I ever got to know more, I may not like him. I enjoy the role he's had in my life, and the tiny roll he still plays, I don't want to ruin that, so I won't try to get to know him any harder than I've ever tried.

I have a co-worker. He's a fascinating person. Very interesting. Surprising. We're almost like friends I guess. I was starting to get to know him a little, on a healthy level for someone who is dating someone else to get to know someone. I was enjoying the balance of having a male friend and a boyfriend and having no boundries crossed. I was thinking about how I admire him and why... It's because he seems to know things, and I find that intriguing. I'm a curious person, I like to learn about other people. Recently, our communication has dwindled. I don't feel a huge loss here, but I am let down... To me, it is showing me that he is a bit unreliable, or at least not the kind of friend who is good at "two-way" friendships... ya know, the type of friendships where both people make an effort to be friends equally. I know there's a wax and wane of that, obviously things come up and sometimes one friend needs to try harder til the other friend comes around again, but we weren't at that kind of friendship yet. It's a little more proof that I thought he was great, til I started to get to know him better and see a different side to him.

The same is true for my ex's... which is why they are my ex's. It's true for friends I've lost touch with and have no interest of getting back in touch with. They were great, or at least good at one point, until I found parts of them that were much to incompatible with me and how I am.

By all this I'm not saying I'm great or the best by any means. I have let people down in the past in extreme ways. Sometimes those ways were materalized by the people, in my opinion, but I fueled the fire.

There are a few people, who, despite my differences with them, I love. Major differences are religion, more slight is politics and on a small scale is distance. Distance is the worst difference I'm facing right now... the only wedge I feel between myself and those closest to me. (haha... obviously not geographically, but in my heart.)

(Sorry Nicole, gonna copy your list thing here.)

People who have influenced me, who still influence me, in a positive way: (Listed by length of time influencing, not including family)

Jason - 12 years
Emily - 11 years
Katie - 3 years
Bri - 3 years
Danielle - 2.5 years
Nicole - 1.5 years

People who I love, who might influence me if we lived on the same plane, who I wish I was still close with:

Jen - age 13-17
Natasha - age 13-17
Renee - age 14-18
Jared - age 15-23
Kathy - age 17-21
Phillip - age 21-23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)
Jenny - age 17-18/23-present(but it works out so much better when we live close to eachother)

People who helped me figure out who I was and helped me get through a very rough time in my life:

Jessica
Alicia
Rocco
Shannon
Rick
Rachel
Jennifer
Ali
Matthew
Weston
Bernardo
Russell
Joe
Kevin
Amanda
Alisha
David G.
David H.

Surprisingly there are more people that have influenced me, but these are the biggies, the ones I think about on a fairly regular basis, the ones I sometimes pine for, because they brought a lot into my life! I am so blessed to have met and befriended so many amazing people.

Jeremy's not on any lists right now because I'm still learning about him. He dissapoints me all the time. It sounds so harsh, but I'm trying to learn who I am in a healthy relationship while learning who he is and sometimes he's not what I expect and he's definetely not what I'm used to. And it's difficult because I don't have any close friends where we live and I think it's ridiculous to try and get all of my emotional needs met by one person, a guy non the less. ;-) I'm glad I've got him and I'm glad he is patient with me, as I am with him... and I'm hoping for the best, cuz what else can I do. ;-) Life has been a whole lot better since Jeremy than it was before on many different levels. The only drama there ever really is is the past haunting me. :-S Trying to work past that.

Cardboard and Fingernails

So, other than the past three hours I have nauseous for the past five days, at least! I missed half my shift yesterday because I couldn't fall asleep when I tried to fall asleep, and then when I got to work I threw up within an hour. I also three up right after waking up today. It feels like I'm always eating or drinking something and I am peeing all the time as well.

That being said I'm pretty psyched about it. I have plans to go see a doctor for a prenatal visit after I get back from CA.

Oooh, I'm so excited about going! March 16-31. I get to go somewhere warm and green and I get to see my nieces! and Gary and Barbara. Yay!!

Okay, I've gotta go, Charmed is on and I get to cuddle with Jeremy. :)

LoL, oh yeah, my subject title... Cardboard and fingernails make me super nauseous. It's actually pretty funny except I want to throw up. :-P

Blind sided

I got hit on today at work. Marjorly hit on. I'm not used to that. First I was flattered, a little embarrassed, slightly amused, a tad uncomfortable, then a tiny bit confused, sort of frustrated, maybe irritated, and ever so slightly worried. It was one of my co-workers, happens to be in the army reserves. New to me, b/c he had just been over seas. Like I said, it was nice at first to be noticed. Then it just became bothersome because it's sooo easy not to notice other people for me, but when I'm noticed then I tend to notice.

The end result, anyway, was that I am So grateful that I am with a man like Jeremy. I would hate to be the wife of this guy. Granted, she may not know the way he came across to me, but I am pretty confident Jeremy is not that kind of guy, and that is AmaZing and a HUGE comfort.

The bad part though, is that I loved the attention. He definetely "gave" me something Jeremy doesn't. Or at least he gave it to me in a way Jeremy doesn't. It was just that feeling of being wanted. Jeremy loves me, and I "know" it. Jeremy obviously wants me from time to time or we would probably never have sex.

Anyway, I sort of wish he acted more attracted to me sometimes. In a sexy way, not an annoying, bothersome way. Either way he's great... we'll have time to figure each other out.

Ball of StreSS

I'm tired. I've got to be to work in little more than an hour and I haven't slept yet. The good news is I've only been awake 14 hours. But still, I work till 9AM and by that time I'll have been awake for 18ish hours. Today's Nayeli's b-day but like I said I work early this morning, then again from 9pm-12am. Jeremy works from 11am-2:30pm, then has school from 5:30-8:40. Cake and presents is going to be 3ish-5ish.

I got "talked" to at work the other day b/c a customer, I guess, complained about me. I try really hard at work, I do what I'm suppose to do, I'm nice to people who are not nice to me, and I'm very smiley and try to be very helpful. This person supposedly complained b/c I was not at "my station" when I was doing self check some time between 10pm-12am. We don't have sackers at that time, so being the only other person in front, other than the cashier, when we are dead, for the most part I sack groceries. If someone needs assistant at self check I am there within five seconds. I have no idea what provoked this women to complain about me, as I do not recall any circumstance that would have called for such an action, but whatev. I'm so frustrated that I practically work my butt off, while the majority of my co-workers skate by doing the bare minimum and I get talked to. It frustrates me so much. I also understand customers come first, which mine do, but what I do not understand is management's need to bring people down instead of build them up. I have not once in the six months I've been at the store gotten a compliment from one of them. I'd really like to let the situation go, but it makes me so angry every time I think of it, like it's totally not worth trying so hard when they're never going to notice or appreciate my effort anyway.

I feel like I'm starting to not like people in general. Not that I ever was fond of a whole lot before. I like my best friends, some of my family and my kids. Wow anti-socialness. :-P

I had an anxiety attack on Saturday. It was while I was working and I was overwhelmed with people's bad attitudes. Sometimes I'm so stressed/angry that my chest hurts, sort of like it's on fire. I don't know what I'm so angry about or how to let it go. It's driving me crazy, almost literally. There are things that provoke it even more and they're little thigns that happen often... like right now when it seems like Jeremy has the TV blaring and I just want it to be quiet. I hate to take life for granted but, other than the kids I'm not insanely happy about it right now. :-S I dunno what to do or what to change though. :-(

A Ramble

I finished the second book of the Twilight Saga. It was nice to read, kept my attention, has me anxious for the next book, though due to finances that'll have to wait. I can't believe I've read two 24 chapter books in the past four/five days. Not to mention the one I just read took me less than 24 hours to complete. Not too bad considering I worked today. It just astonishes me because they're only the 2nd and 3rd fiction books I have read since Austin was born. I'm more of a "self help" kind of reader. Yay me, I guess. :-P

I am very overwhelmed by bills and debt lately. I feel so hopeless, like no matter how much I don't spend on things I don't need I'm not going to have enough to pay everything off before the walls start closing in. I'm trying to take care of the "small stuff" first, becuase I like finishing the debt of one place rather than paying a little for everything. When I'm done with a bill I feel so much relief. Anyway, today I got a call from a radiology place I owe money to for when I had my miscarriage and needed the sonogram. I wasn't able to answer, but they left a message. I don't want them calling and bothering me. I have a list of my debt and a plan to pay it off and I don't want people making me more stressed about it.

Argh. More things bother me too, but I think they're more trivial... weight and housekeeping. Things I tend to struggle with all the time, no matter how much I try to get it under control. I just want to relax and feel at peace. It's like I'm always on edge lately. Ughhhh. :-P

Love is Bliss

Heh, yesterday Jeremy and I were going through a "rougher" day and he went to work and asked if I wanted him to bring me home anything, to which I replied, "love." So anyway, he brought me home chocolates with the quote, "Love is bliss..." on them. They were called "Bliss," but if love is bliss, then bliss must be love. :-P On a tangent I thought, "isn't ignorance bliss? and if ignorance is bliss, and bliss is love, then wouldn't love be ignorance." :-P Like I said, it was a tangent.

After Jeremy was done with work our day got better. We finished up season 8 of friends, played Bamboozeled and just hung out. I need more days like that. Oooh. Along with my chocolates and my sub sandwich Jeremy brought me home the first book in the "Twilight" series. I really didn't want to do anything other than read it when I got it, but I did anyway. Every bathroom or food break though I was right back to my book! I saw the movie in theaters and loved it, then I read about Nicole reading the series and it made me want to see the movie again. I guess Jeremy thought I'd be interested in reading it, though I never mentioned how much I wished it were still in theaters, but I'm glad he brought it home. So far it's just like the movie. I just have the opportunity to take it all in a little more slowly.

This morning Jeremy brought the car in to get the brakes fixed. Of course the car place did a diagnostic to see what else was wrong with the car. With issues pertaining to the brakes alone it's costing us $602 to fix. Better that than a faulty car though. Ya know, if Jeremy would have routine matinance done on his beloved '92 Ford Probe it wouldn't cost this much to fix. :-P Oh well. Better late than never.

Austin has been having such problems going to bed lately. He just screams and throws massive fits. It's really aggravating. I don't quite know how to deal with it sometimes. His screams are so shrill that I feel like my eardrums are going to burst. Jeremy and I, as kids, both just listened to our parents. The only thing my mom ever did to discipline me was put me in the corner and send me to my room. That doesn't get the point across for Austin.

Well, I'm up and nobody else is here at 2:36 in the afternoon. Just thought I'd write while I had some peace and quiet. ;-) *Relief*

Mis Amigos

Nothing new here really. I miss my friends. I miss CA's warm weather. I miss the beach and the mountains.

It's strange. Looking through pictures of the past two/three years... there were so many good times. Ya know, my marriage sucked, but because of that I met some of the sweetest, most fun people. I had plenty of time to spend with them too. Now I have someone, plus two kids, and no time for the people. I'm grateful for my family, but I miss having friends close by. I know to solve this I either need to move closer to the friends I had, or make new friends... and the moving closer doens't really seem like an option, as nice as it would be. :-P

How to make new friends with no time though? And what family friendly things could I do with these new people? What am I looking for in a friendship with anyone. I have emotional support from the friends I already have.

I think the pictures just have me missing the good times with good people. I have good times with Jeremy, they're just not the same kinds of good times. When the kids get older I'll probably have friends again. I'd like some now though. :-S

*Sigh.*

Oh well.