Not a Dream

*Disclaimer: So, it's an emo-ish poem... 
Just b/c I'm happy most of the time, doesn't mean I don't have moments.  Plus sometimes, with poetry, I tend to be a little more dramatic.  ;-)  That being said...

I feel like I'm losing you every day
Even though you left long ago
I search for the feeling, knowing you'd stay
Then I get SO mad knowing it isn't so

I see you in my dreams,
so close that I can touch.
You're there for me in that place
It's really almost too much

I need you
Here
For me
I need you
-To be all that I was.
It's hard to face reality,
when I know that I'm missing your love.

It's hard,
 because when I shut my eyes
it seems I find sweet release
But as I wake and you drift away
I'm only left with the memory
And I'm lelft feeling emty with a sense of insanity.

Where are you?!  Where are you?!
Why aren't you here???
My sorrow, it deepens.
I fight not to be consumed
by anger,
and frustration,
 and tears. 

Fall Cleaning?

I've been laying in bed for an hour and a half AT LEAST thinking. I haven't really been sleeping like a baby since having the baby, and after finding out about the DS it's been even less.

Meanwhile... I start praying, it's my "now I lay me" prayer, the one I said with my mom every night when she tucked me into bed, until I was 14, yeah that one. Anyway, I think about all the people I want God to bless. It's a long list. I truly care about SO many people, people I've never met, people I'll never meet. I care. My mind wanders, I start thinking about myself a little bit, things I... things my family needs. Then I think about those who have less. I know I am blessed.

In the process of thinking of my needs and what I have to give, or to sell in a rummage sale I think about all the "useless" things I have that I don't use. This is pretty much just CDs, DVDs and books I know I won't read again. I may think that I'll want to read them again, but reading books more than once is not something I typically do. Dunno why.

In my mental cleaning out of DVDs and CDs it goes through my head what I want to keep. What lifts me up? What message do I want the music I listen to give my children. It's not a hard question for me to answer, especially since my collection of Christian CDs and DVDs is a good size.

I think about what it will feel like to let go of some of that other stuff that I like, that touched me at one point, but that would probably benefit me to let go of. My D12 CD comes to mind... Why do I like Eminem anyway? :-P Probably his RAW emotion. The way he shouts and cusses, probably the way I want to some time, but I practice self restraint. Eminem lets it out for me.

We'll see what I do, I feel like cleaning things out of my life, it always feels nice to let some of that old stuff go, helps me know that I'm still me without it, even though I've clung to it at times.



Sorry if I don't make sense... like I said, lack of sleep.

A Blog on my Blogger... Go Fig.

Hello! (*listening for echos*)
Well, if anybody's out there, I'm still here. ;-)
Someday I may blog with a passion I once did. I may be my fully open self again and know what I want and what I don't want and be willing to share it with those I care about who I know/feel care about me as well. :-D Until then I'll post some blah stuff that I feel inspired to blahg about. lol. Okay, laughed at my own joke.. I'm so cool. :-P

Meanwhile.
I watched documentaries this morning. :-P One was "The Human Face"-John Cleese was the narrated/main person. It was very interesting, all about how we need face to face contact and how our faces say so much more than our words, which I already knew, but it's not so bad hearing it again... especially while it seems I'm glued to my computer chair. :-P

The other documentary I watched was given in a somewhat, alright, a REALLY boring manner, but it had a lot of good points and gave me some confidence and things to work on as a parent. It was called, "Parenting:Becoming a Better Parent."

Yes, yes... then while browsing through netflix I found some more documentaries I am interested in seeing... however Jeremy is going to cancel our netflix soon and then I won't have all these instant views at my disposal. We have free cable, but there aren't as many documentaries and I can't always just watch that while the kids are sleeping, which is my preffered method... That way I have more time for them when we're all awake together.

My sleep schedule has been insane lately, ie. 2-5am, then 9am-12pm... again 5-8pm... then 12am-4am... and yesterday it was 3-5pm and again 11-... 7:30am. A "NORMAL" NIGHT! WoW!! I didn't think it was possible. And I feel great today!!! I hope it becomes a trend.

Hmmm... Think I'm gonna post this to my myspace as well, it's been a zillion years since I blogged anything decent there. See? That's what happens when I finally have something to write about... Not so personal I only want to share it w/ a couple of people. Someday my friends, someday. :-P

Love to all! Peace and good tidings. ;-)

Getting to Know Me Better

If any of my readers need reading material, I am moving all my old Livejounal stuff to this blog... I'm putting it in the date I wrote it out there, so you'll have to look back into 2004, as that's when I started blogging. I may do the same with my old myspace blogs. It'll be nice to have everything in one place, and see where I have been, and some of the things that led me to where I am. ;-)

sometimes when life looks the best, it's the worst.

(just thought of it due to an old friends post... it makes sense to me.)

If you don't know... I'm 26 weeks pregnant, almost 27 weeks. It's a boy. Probably gonna name him Kheaven. Not posting a lot about it online, sadly b/c I don't want my ex, who I'm still not divorced from... :-S... to harrass me.

I work at Sears Portrait Studio... may be shooting my 1st wedding for Aymz Photography at the end of August... doing a co-worker @ Dillons Sr. Pix this summer... and two juniors are waiting to see what I do for Kristen and want to have me to their pix too possibly. :-) Fun, Fun!!!

So addicted...

I admit, I'm addicted to organic food and snacks. The thing that bugs me is that I never used to eat snacks, and now that I've becomce accostumed to the organic section at Dillons I don't feel "guilty" for eating the snacks I find there. I am still fairly small for your average person who is six months pregnant, and I haven't had significant weight gain. I am gaining healthily. I am also very active. I think I have more muscle mass now than I did when I became pregnant. Yayyy for summer!

I'm also somewhat addicted to working lately. Okay, it's not the WoRk I'm addicted to, it's the paycheck that comes the next week. It feels so nice to be somewhat carefree about spending. If I want something I get it, and I'm not worried. I have a feeling it will be very short lived, but I don't remember having this much peace about finances since high school.

Less than a week til vacation. YiPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!