Baby Fasha Drama

Some stuff on my mind lately...
Like how I don't want to deal with Sam or David. I understand Sam needing to be in Austin's life to an extent. We all lived together for a while. And if Sam gets better fine... until then supervised visitations is what it needs to be.

He owes me $3065 in back child support right now. I've been making it without it, but it would help... and I can't even imagine what we would do with it when we got it... probably save most of it. Maybe we'd eat a little more healthily.

As far as dealing with David goes... why? I know we'd get child support for Nayeli, and as long as he's in the military we'd have health insurance for her... but he hasn't showed much if any interest in over 10 months, and it wears me out, basically waiting for him to care.

I don't need his help.

Family members urge me to go after the guys, but it stresses me out... It's weird though, thinking if they did help... how it wouldn't be a struglge to make ends meet, they'd just meet... I'd have more time with the kiddos... I wouldn't need assiatance at all, not even for health care.

We'll see. We have everything we could want or need, other than health care... and hopefully that will come soon. :-)

Open

I have slight envy toward some of my friends. A couple of them seem to be so open in their blogs. I am open about events, and sometimes pain, but they seem to be open about things that I just don't know how to put into words. I wish I could put my thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams into words like they do. I know I should accept me for who I am, but I can't help but want to improve. Maybe improving doesn't mean being the way I want to be though. I should know that. Improving is being like God wants me to be and being okay with that.

I've been reading a lot lately and it seems like God is saying a lot through them. I think I've been improving my spiritual relationship more and more everyday. It's exciting and I hope it only continues to get better.

Missing

I miss the baby I didn't get to know. Sometimes I feel like I may "mini-ly" obsess over it. (If anyone comes upon this blog "mini-ly" means a little... sort of, in amyspeak.)

I just don't really know how to deal with that I was excited and in baby-love. I know that there are reasons it happened and all that jazz, but I feel a loss. :-S

Not too often, but sometimes I think about what he/or she (since I assume it was a girl due to some of the crazy things that were happening to me hormonaly) would have looked like or acted like... and then I hear a name called at church or in the grocery store, and it's the name I chose for the baby who wasn't meant to be... and I chose the name to help me put a name to my grief and deal with it, but when I hear it I look and wonder if my baby might have been similar to the one who was just called. I smile though because I know if she had the chance she would have been awesome.

I'm okay.

Hopefully someday I'll get the chance to bring another wonderful being into the world. And I'm so glad for the two I get to fully enjoy right now. :-)

Who Am I?

I was wondering to myself earlier, as I had a brief moment of alone time, "who am I?"

Really, what defines me? What makes me different?
Is it what I believe? Is it what I think? Is it who I think I am, how I perceive myself?

Then I thought, no.

I think who I, or who anyone is, is how one applies things that he/she has learned from experiences encountered.

Does that sound right?

I AM a Christian.
I AM a woman.
I AM a mother.
I AM a girlfriend.
I AM a daughter.
I am more than all of that too though.

I am ever changing. I think that everyone is. If we all stayed the same our entire lives and didn't learn or grow, wouldn't we be boring?

I think that's why it's hard to define one's self. At least it's difficult for me. I feel that I change a lot from day to day. I try to, strive to, it's one of my passions. To learn. And if who I am comes from the things I apply from what I've learned, it makes sense, to me...














So, who am I according to my definition of describing one's self.

I am a student. I like to think I never let the opportunity to learn slip away. I want to know all that I can about the things that interest me, or things that I need to know to help raise my children or play the role I desire to play in society.

I am nice. Maybe nicer than most, but from past experiences I have learned that being mean doesn't feel good and can make a lot of things worse than what they were to begin with, so I am nice.

I am a little hot-tempered. Unfortunately I have learned things that should have stopped this destructive personality trait, and while I have quelled my ill temperment, it is still there at times. I hope that throughout time I will not need more experiences teaching me to fix it, but that I can better apply what I learned from previous experiences and apply more self control so that it's not an issue.

Hmmm, that's still not the point I want to get across.

Is who I am how I act? Is it who I'm around? (Like the statement "you are who you hang with?") Is it how I feel?

I don't know. I guess it matters to me right now, because by figuring out who I am, a little better than how I know, I can figure out what direction to go in my life. I can develop more goals and become the best me possible.

Or I could just let God worry about that and go along for the ride...

That sounds like a good idea.

:-)

Cuddle Lovin'

Jeremy and I cuddled last night. Seems sad that it's a big enough deal for me to write about, but it was. It was so nice to be in his arms for so long. The night before he gave me a back and hand massage which I loved!!

I really wish we had more alone time sometimes. I love the kids so much, but I love him too and we're always so busy making the kids happy it feels like we don't have a lot of time to make each other happy. I dunno. He's always trying to make me happy, but it's nice to be held to be made happy too.

I'm so excited to be getting more things put away in our apartment. I want to give Jeremy's and my bedroom an asian kind of feel. I've got a red lamp with chinese design on it. It lets off this beautiful red glow. I've also got saki bottles on the window will. I'd like to decorate the mirror with chopsticks or something else with an asian feel.... Maybe I can find some fake bamboo somewhere!

That's all for now. ;-)

YES!

Personal victory... I am five pounds above pre-Nayeli weight. This means most of my old pants fit. :-D I am soooo pleased with this new discovery. (I found out at the dentist today.) I'm still 12 pounds from pre-Austin weight, but eventually I may get there.

People may not understand this about me... I am referred to as tiny quite often, and I honestly don't see it. I appreciate the reference, but it's not really me. I'm average, and that's fine. I am very happy with my physical appearance when I'm under a size five. And if I can get into a size three and it fits the way it should, I am especially pleased. It's just a standard I have set for myself. I'm quite short, it's not an unhealthy standard by any means.

I exercise, I don't eat unhealthily, most of the time, and I have a "style" that calls for me to be smaller. My mom used to tell me that I couldn't wear the clothes I wanted to because I was too big, and she was, for the most part right. Certain things aren't flattering to some body types. Also, some things that are flattering on everyone are more flattering on me when I'm smaller.

I get preoccupied with things sometimes, but it's me. I didn't fret over my weight when I was smaller, and when I'm smaller again I'll stop fretting again. It will be another glorious day, like today!

Name Poll

If it's a girl...

Which one do you like?
Alanah - means "precious;awakening." derived from helena (helen was my grandmothers name) it means "brightness, light"
Brielah - no found meaning; Gabriela means "God is my might"
Kaliene- I couldn't find a meaning; Colleen means "little girl;young female" in irish


If it's a boy...

Which name do you prefer?
Ian - means "God is forgiving"
Matthew - means "gift from God"
Cameron - means "crooked" or "hook nose"
Benison - means "blessing"

COMMENTS:
ordinaryfool wrote:
Aug. 27th, 2007 01:43 pm (local)
I've never heard of the name Benison, but I really like it :)