Vulnerability

I just had the best week of my life that I can remember and I find myself horrified. I am feeling things I didn't even realize I was missing... I am alive again and the thought that I could lose that/have it taken from me is enough to make me shake like a scared rabbit. It is no way to live. I HAVE been hurt, but if I don't open my mind to the possibility of something more than has ever been, nothing more will come.

Ache

Today is the day one of my favorite people was born 29 years ago. :)
He may be "the one who got away." I will never forget him or the fun times we had together. My heart aches thinking that I may never find someone that brings out "me" as much as he did. Happy birthday, B. I miss you.

Pardon my nostalgia. It's not just HIS birthday that's bringing on... I have been missing other people too, and have been sad in general. I'm sure I'll make it though.

Bored.

Not a word I generally have in my vocabulary.
After being a city dweller my entire life I moved to the country this past October.
The country is not what I find boring by any means.
It is full of life, new adventures, and people that seem like they could be straight from the book I will someday write.
I am bored with my photography.
Seems like a simple dilemma to solve, does it not?
Ever since I got my professional camera in May of 2010 it seems like a lot of my creativity was sucked right out of me!! (That is unless I have a cell phone camera, I still have brief moments of awesome with that.)
I see beauty. I see the unseen. I am just afraid to take risks. (With my camera)
Weird. I take risks and have taken risks with many things in life, so why should my photography be any different?
I know a lot of my energy goes to house keeping, kids and life in general, but being creative gives me energy for life... it doesn't take it.
It's like writer's block for photography..... I feel like I am lacking something. I don't know how to find it, but I may be on a mission.

Co-habitating

Well... the person I'm in love with, and who I've been in love with for over half a year now, sleeps in my house. :-P

He cooks... does the heavy cleaning, like scrubbing the shower, watches movies with me... tells me about how work went, asks my opinion about the future. He is moving in November, maybe early December, and according to his plans he won't be back here. Too much work for too little money. I can't say I blame him.

I love having him around. I love my lack of expectations. I get a hug a day, rarely have cuddles... but I feel so content, and happy even.

I DO NOT know how I will react once he leaves, but right now, my heart is full. There is little I desire in terms of attention, love. I feel most of those needs are being met... and now, because my quota for all "that stuff" is being met, I am focusing on my career as a photographer. I am focusing on getting my apartment how I've wanted it for years. I am focusing on being there for my kids and teaching them whatever it is they desire to learn. I am focusing on becoming a part of my community.

I am so completely at peace in the present, that the future doesn't seem scary. I don't feel like I have to plan ahead for a lot of things. I feel like if I do what I'm suppose to be doing right now, the rest will fall into place. It's amazing. I hope the strides I feel I've made as an individual in the past six months aren't for nothing when my love moves away. I really hope that, but instead of worrying about it, I'm just going to keep loving and growing as a person, and I'm going to enjoy each moment as it happens, and not worry about what comes next so much. :)

Oh Gosh

Misquoting a movie here, but...
Our hands fit!<3

I am very in love, and very eager to share that fact with people, but I know how I myself can judge when friends fall fast and hard for people. (I should really work on that.) So I'm waiting to share, but it has been so nice! I LOVE it!!

Not too much else I'm feeling the need to let out in blog form at this moment. :)
*Happy sigh.*

Huh...

I just found out Nayeli's father has orders to Japan... for three years. Seems like getting paternity done beforehand would be beneficial... He won't be around to see her til she's six and there's no way in hell she'll visit him in Japan unless I do too...

And then, this week Jeremy has two 2nd interviews, in person. One company is based out of OK, the other three hours away. So, Austin's dad is the only one I have to "deal" with... and he hasn't been keeping in touch as much lately the past three weeks again. I have feelings, but I'm not sure what they are.

He Loves Me

Saw this as a friends facebook update,

"Sometimes I wish God would just hit the pause button, split the sky wide open, reach down, pick me up, hold me in His arms & whisper "I love you" in my ear."

And I thought, that's how I feel when I hear my name. It's how I feel when my kids say they love me, or smile at me like I'm the most amazing person they've ever seen. It's how I feel when the wind is rushing past me... or I'm in a lake or river and water is going through the spaces between my fingers. It's how I feel when the rain is warm... when I see a shooting star... when I see fireflies. :)

There is so much more that makes me feel exactly like the "pause" button has been hit, the sky has been split open, I am being held by God, being told, and feeling, and knowing that He loves me.♥